Caffeinated Clint – 15/3/06


This Week : A squeeze of Pineapple

Caffeinated Clint
A weekly editorial Grande with a double shot
Incorporating “This week in TV”

Hi, how’s ya week been? Hope the underoos aren’t climbing too high up the flipside and that the flies kept their distance from your sausage (such dialogue was spoken in a porn film once, I’m betting).
As busy as a – despite being a public holiday here in Melbourne yesterday, I, being a national freelance journalist and the owner of a production office that doesn’t know what the heck a ‘sorry, we’re closed sign’ is, are devoid of any break it seems – hungry maggot at Summertime this week, so let’s get straight to this ‘You asked for it, You got it’ column.
Been getting reacquainted – though acquainted is probably more the word, since I only recall a couple of episodes, and even then I probably only watched the odd episode in between pleading the folks to let me go that cool new movie with Dan Ayrkoyd, John Candy and some trash-beseeching raccoons! – With one of the daggiest shows of the 80’s this week, “21 Jump Street”. The good folks at Imagine – now releasing Anchor Bay product – here in Australia, are putting out the first two seasons, and I’ve gotta say, it’s more addictive than the supercilious cheese they serve at gallery openings. I’m betting if the show – the one that introduced Johnny Depp and Michael DeLuise, what? You still don’t know him? My mistake – were on TV today, it’d still do OK – sans mullets, sports jackets, Pomeranzian earrings and eclectic pop soundtrack, of course. The episodes were always a little preachy, but the dialogue, the interaction between the cast and that so-bad-it’s-good theme (sung by co-star Holly Robinson with derisory back-ups by Depp and DeLuise) make up for any shoving-down-the-throat of all young republican ram. Anyway, got to cut it short…..Dustin Nguyen’s just realised that the girl with the carpet runner on her head is a little shady…

Quarter way through coffee
My fellow reviewers will most definitely be able to relate to this one. How much do you hate everyone’s assumption that “you must have the best job in the world? You get to watch movies all day long!”. What one would give for a meat hammer in such circumstances. Truth is, it isn’t like that at all, is it guys? My 6-day week pretty much consists of working from 8am to 8pm at a day-job – I’m a journalist by day by several publishing companies, as well as a partner in a company – and if I do take time to go and see a film (which, by the way, is usually an hour-and-a-half from the office, and ends up costing quite a bit in petrol, road tolls and city parking – and yet, according to most people, we’re “so lucky because we get to see free movies”. The film may be free, but the incidentals to make said screening happen most certainly aren’t) I have to then make up those couple-of-hours either later that evening or at some ungodly hour in the wee hours of the morning. So when do I do the website? Dusk, my friends, dusk. Upon ditching my sports jacket, tie and Dictaphone, and anything else relating to the workday, I retire to the computer where I proceed to, yep, type again. I do that for a couple of hours. So when do I get to watch movies? Well, about midnight. And what do I watch? Whatever I HAVE to watch. Yep, gone are the days when I can just stick in an old favourite – yeah, that’s right, like “Mannequin 2: on the move” – and wind down for the night, I actually have to watch whatever is next on my ‘must review’ pile, be it a documentary on the modern-day car wheel, a ‘Carrot Top’ in concert DVD, or the new 14-disc “He’s My Girl” ultimate edition. Thing is, I’m that damn tired by the end of the night, that I can barely get through a film a day at the moment, so that ‘must review’ pile gets bigger and bigger and bigger. As does everyone’s assumption that us reviewers just “said and watch movies all day”. Anyway, let’s get this over and done with, because I really feel like watching all five “Rocky” films this afternoon.

Half-way through coffee
This is more amusing than anything – yeah, can you believe it, the guy’s not going to go on some overwrought rant for once – but still worthy of words. Bunch of young girls were in a DVD store the other day. I was next to them looking at something solid…. you know, 12 disc box set of “My Stepmother is an Alien” or something…and couldn’t help to notice their enthusiasm when they spotted Aussie horror hit “Wolf Creek” on the shelves. “Wow! I love this…have you seen it?”, one screamed to the other. “Yes, it’s awesome!”, said another, her friend nodding. “But look at this….”, one said, shocked look on her face. “They give away who the killer is?!”. All three stared at each other, totally startled. One claims, “How bad is that? They gave away the whole ending…and who the killer is. That’s not good”. Um, girls…. you do know that everyone in the goddamn country knows that that outback hick, Mick Taylor, is the guy that’s killing the folks in the outback, right? Or did you miss the endless TV commercials, interviews with the cast and crew, or excessive mentions of ‘John Jarratt’s transformation into a killer’ on each and every network, newspaper and mobile phone news item? Channel Ten will be glad to hear that “The Simpsons” is still one of the most watched shows on Television, and for some demographics, the only watched programme. [Spoiler Alert] Bruce Wayne and Batman are the same goddamn person!, Dawson didn’t actually own the frickin’ Creek, and the villains of “Die Hard” actually find it ‘difficult’ to kill the film’s fluffy-chested hero…can you believe it? These studios should be ashamed of themselves.

Three quarters the way through coffee
Something I just realised : you can never find that sharp-leafy end of a pineapple when you need to. Had to take my ibook G4 to a fix-it-man (the guy can’t even fix his hair for a customer, how on earth did I think he could mend the keyboard on this notebook?) a couple of weeks back. It gets the red goo inside my frame pumping whenever someone says ‘I’ll be with you in a minute’ and then they return fifteen minutes later – or you stand in line at a sandwich store only to have everyone that enters after you served first, or how about sales people that refuse to apologise after discovering that the drivers licence they refused to accept as a form of I.D to buy a cell phone was actually still valid and that September 2006 is actually this year. Not last year, dumb calf! But I digress – but I’ve discovered the unqualified utmost threshold of my fury fillet – a dude that proceeds to finish a dripping plate of chunky pineapple before taking a look at the computer. Now it’d be OK if it was only going to take a minute to finish off that plate, but the guy takes a good twenty minutes. Any minute now, this journalist-due-back-at-work-in-five-minutes was going to yank out his car key and stab the sucker straight through the eye with it. Worst part? He decides to pick up the plate, which is now void of any pineapple, bring it to his face and then begins to lick the surface…rotating it as he covers its every angle. Anyway, just wanted to let you know that it wasn’t me that tied that computer technician up to a chair and forced him to eat a full bowl of my spit this past weekend. Hope you enjoyed the pineapple pal….but how do you like ‘dem apples?

One sip to go
Can’t tell you how excited I was to hear the news that Madonna’s going to leave the acting up to those that can actually, um, act. The singer – who for some reason thinks disco and body-hugging jumpsuits are back in, does someone inform her that the Leo Sayer special she saw, was a repeat? From 1981?! – Has come to the conclusion that she’s not an actress and that most of her films are rubbish (you watch, someone will write in and confess to being the world’s biggest “Body of Evidence” and hopefully, it won’t be Willem Dafoe – though I could understand if it was…. “get naked, I’ll drop wax on ya, and dangle my golden globes in ya face, dude”…who wouldn’t cherish the experience?) and so is quitting films. I want to take this opportunity to make a prediction – Guy Ritchie’s next film might actually be good.

DVD of the week
21 Jump Street : Seasons 1 and 2 – Why is it that the DVDs you’re keen to watch are almost always rejected by your player? (Though it was “Body Shots” with Tara Reid that it spat out last time, so I won’t hold it against it) or at least, the first few times you attempt to lock and load them into the spinner anyway. Despite the efforts, the disc finally turned on its turnstile…and Holly Robinson could sing her theme! You know what? I’ve just watched, what feels like, fifty episodes of back-to-back “21 Jump Street” episodes, and I’m not complaining? Did someone slip a magic mushroom into my Diet Pepsi? It’s as cheesy as a big bowl of Taco Bill’s Nacho’s Supreme, but I’m enjoying the heck out of it. I don’t think I’m supposed to, but I am. Maybe I’m just experiencing part of my youth….the bit I missed out on first-time around (because I was holed up in my room preparing a Maryam D’Abo scrapbook or something)..but I tell ya, if you’re into some mindless easy-to-watch fun this week, you can’t go past picking up the first two seasons of “21 Jump Street”.

Theatrical release of the week
When A Stranger Calls – It’s that time of the year commonly known as the ‘dumping ground’ for movies – though back in my days when I worked at a video store, February was generally the worst month for releases – so not surprising that there’s a heap of junk coming out at the moment. This was a hard one. There really isn’t that much great on release this week (though Adam says “Tristan & Isolde” is a winner, so I’ll have to check that out), nothing I could really recommend, so I guess all one can do is pick the best out of the rubbish? The one you won’t feel as “ripped-off” by? Though it’s probably not worth the $15 or whatever it costs to see a full price movie these days, you could probably do worse than the remake of “When A Stranger Calls”. For the most part, and though it isn’t as good as the freaky original, this is quite a classy effort, and features a girl with one of the best set of lungs in the business…newcomer Camilla Belle. Probably best serves the teen-crowd though.
If there’s nothing on TV on Discount Tuesday – and unless you’re into the Commonwealth Games, there probably won’t be – give it a look, otherwise, save your money until some of the good stuff starts to climb out from under the cinematic rock again – like “V for Vendetta” or “Mission: Impossible 3”.

This Week’s Useless bit of Advice
If you’re not allowed to have sugar on your café latte, just make sure the person behind the counter doesn’t ‘treat you’ by pouring some chocolate sprinkles on top of your drink. They always do that for Cappuccinos, but rarely Latte’s, though some have been known to do it – thinking they’ll give you a little something extra. In the case of a diabetic, they’ll probably also be rewarding you with an impromptu prick of your insulin pen. ‘Say No to Sprinkles’.

Missing Career Alert
Michael Dudikoff. The ‘Van Damme’ of the 80’s, he won his stripes as an “American Ninja”, ended up flying briefly for “Air America”, and was last seen sinking in “Quicksand”. His unofficial fan site doesn’t help matters much either, simply stating “Sorry, this website is no longer available due to mr. Dudikoff’s attorneys.” Sounds like someone doesn’t want to be found?

5 things you didn’t know about me (and probably don’t care to know)
1. As a pre-pubescent youngster, I worked at a Drive-In theatre where it was my job to tell people off who were pressing down on their brake lights or flashing their headlights at the screen. Never understood why the driver always had bloomers on his head.
2. I run a film production company with an actor whose best known for getting about in a loincloth. (Unfortunately, No, not Shannon Tweed).
3. I’m a die-hard fan of “St Elmo’s Fire”…and I can hear the music playing, and see the banners fly…
4. I had to ‘sneak in’, being only 17 at the time, to a screening of “Basic Instinct”. Assumed I’d be carried off with Dr.Richard Kimble afterwards.
5. I use to work in advertising, and at one stage was working on a Milk commercial that would’ve reinvigorated Rick Springfield’s career. At the same time, it would’ve destroyed any coolness “Jessie’s Girl” ever had!

[Australia Only]
What’s on this week?
Commonwealth Games : Opening – Wed 7:30 PM, NINE – You’ll be on the edge of your seat…..wondering how Ray’s hair stays so slick.
Nip/Tuck – Thurs 9:30PM, ARENA – Getting down to the tail end of the first season….god this show is addictive.
Love My Way – Sunday 8:30PM, W – Ben Mendelsohn has finally entered the picture….watch the sparks grow between Louis and Frank.
Scrubs – Mondays and Thursdays 11:30PM, SEVEN – For some reason, I keep forgetting about the Monday episodes!
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre – Friday 1:15 AM, MOVIE ONE – Not at all scary, but still a good one to watch if you’re a fan of the bloodier, more effective original.
Growing Pains : Return of the Seavers – Monday 1:25 AM, MOVIE ONE – Don’t ask me why I put this here….except to say, if I could watch it, I would. Laugh, go on, laugh!
Salem’s Lot – Sunday 8:30PM, MOVIE EXTRA – The remake of the David Soul flick is actually much more entertaining…can you believe it?
Romy & Michele’s High School Reunion – Tuesday 12:45 am, MOVIE EXTRA – So daggy, yet so fun!

5 things that happened in TV-ville this week
1. FOX8 Announce “Rock Star” auditions in Australia [More]
2.MOVIE EXTRA announced a special Sundance event in April, with award-winning films and festival content. [More
3.Actor Tom Amandes talked to Moviehole about the future of the TV series “Everwood”. [More]
4. Analogue TV will stay to 2010. [More]
5. Several shows aren’t working on Australian TV, including “The West Wing”, “Smallville” and, yep, “ROVE LIVE”. [More].

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