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Caffeinated Clint – 11/4/06

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Your double-shot Tuesday




Caffeinated Clint
A weekly editorial Grande with a double shot
Incorporating “This week in TV”

Introduction
Saw 8 minutes or so from “Mission: Impossible 3” this week. I can’t tell what’s going to self-destruct first…. the message, or Tom Cruise. Anyway, because I’m essentially living the IMF life this week – don’t ask – we’re going to keep this one very un-Ron Jeremy like – nice and short.

Quarter way through coffee

Is a critic allowed to like bad films? You know what I mean…. films that you know are rubbish, yet you still can’t help but enjoy them. A few recent ones come to mind: “She’s the Man”, “When a Stranger Calls”, “Deuce Bigalow : European Gigolo”…all pretty feebly written films, and about as tired as a fat man at the end of a potato-sack race, but for some reason, I was still entertained by all of them. I’m betting most of my peers know exactly what I’m talking about, though I’m guessing a lot of them will still stick to their reputable guns and trash the film anyway, fearing that someone will ridicule them for liking such rubbish. Heck, I don’t care what people think – I can wear a pink shirt too! – so here’s twenty pretty poor films that I’d consider guilty pleasures, and yep, you’ll find most of them on the Morris family DVD shelf. Unleash the madness!

20 Bad films that Clint likes!
1. Mannequin – Starship, Kim Cattrall, the sheepish Brat Packer…sugary!
2. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 – Much more loyal to the comics…and it bought back Casey Jones!
3. St Elmo’s Fire – You know what? This just might be my favourite movie EVER!
4. Can’t Buy Me Love – One of my favourite romantic comedies. Can watch it over and over.
5. Adventures in Babysitting – Had the biggest crush on Elisabeth Shue back then.
6. Cocktail – Did I mention I had the biggest crush on Elisabeth Shue back then?
7. Kickboxer – I still say this is Jean Claude Van Damme’s best film. This, and “Bloodsport”.
8. Pet Sematary Two : As cheesy as hell, but such a great soundtrack and such gratuitously gorish scenes!
9. Brainscan – You wouldn’t believe the amount of people that have never heard of this….such a fun film. Bad oh so dumb.
10. The Crush – I still can’t work out whether I actually liked it, or I was just fixated on Alicia Silversone at the time.
11. Message in a Bottle – Not exactly faithful to the book, but definitely a good romantic drama.
12. Navy Seals – Probably the daggiest film that Michael Biehn and Charlie Sheen have ever been in….but golly, what great music!
13. Twin Peaks : Fire Walk With Me – Thing is, I know this is crap, but I just can’t stop watching it!
14. Freddy Vs.Jason – This totally satisfied the geeky film buff that hides deep below my inners…
15. Shocker – As did this. It’s a real shame this one didn’t take off as a franchise, like Craven planned.
16. Honeymoon in Vegas – The music, the madness of it all, James Caan…..so bad it’s good.
17. Zandalee – Up there with “Nine and a Half Weeks”, as one of the most satisfyingly erotic films of my youth. Erika Anderson….yum.
18. Overnight Delivery – I can’t tell you how much I’ve watched this Reese Witherspoon/Paul Rudd comedy, just for the hell of it.
19. Gladiator – Nope, not the Russell Crowe version…that wouldn’t be embarrassing at all. I’m talking…the James Marshall/Cuba Gooding Jr thing!
20. Days of Thunder – Not terribly shameful, but it is Tom Cruise with his ego in a sidecar.

Half-way through coffee

And here we are, a good week later, still laughing at the repercussions of some of this year’s April Fools Day jokes. Our pals at JoBlo.com, you may recall, had a rumour up about Kate Beckinsale starring in “Wonder Woman”. It was so obviously a joke…. check it our yourself. But, that didn’t stop a few ‘reputable’ news sources from posting it up as fact (as Variety (!) reported). Those that did post the bogus news merely exposed themselves as essentially hacks that don’t check their sources – having merely snatched the news (here we go again) from somewhere or someone. Warner didn’t even get one call from any of the outlets asking for confirmation. I guess what comes around…..SUCKERS!

Three quarters the way through coffee

I don’t get it. Why drive 40km/hr in a 100km/hr zone? It just doesn’t make sense. Are you trying to be safe? Are you trying to dwindle the usage of petrol? Check out the sights on the freeway (what sights? Cat carcass?)? Or are you one of those dicks that are talking on their mobile phone at the same time as driving (not hands-free)? Whatever the case – speed up; you’re holding us all back.
A columnist for the Speedlimit website summarises the dangers of driving at a snail’s pace: “if you drive at 40mph in a 50mph zone when there is no justification for such caution, you should not be surprised if a queue of drivers builds up behind you. And at that point you should take their rights and feelings into account as well as your own. How would you feel if you were held up by someone who shared your philosophy, but regarded 20mph as the ideal speed? We all have to share the available road space, and to do so safely requires co-operation, courtesy and compassion. Yet some motorists don’t seem to understand the effect they have on others. Persistent dawdling and/or obstruction can wreak havoc on the tempers of following drivers who lack a masters degree in patience, and their increasingly desperate attempts to overtake can be highly dangerous. It is foolish of them to take risks, but the slowcoach at the head of the procession must share some of the responsibility for allowing the situation to arise. We are dealing with humans, not robots. It is said of some drivers that thay have never have had an accident but have caused hundreds, and there is an element of truth in that stereotype. It is certainly hard to believe that the many drivers who travel everywhere at a steady 40mph – 20mph below the speed limit on the open road, but 10mph above the limit in villages and towns – are safer than those who vary their speed according to the prevailing conditions and the posted limit.
Try to ensure that when you drive below the limit you do so for a good and justifiable reason and not because you are unaware of the needs of others or get some kind of kick out of imposing your philosophy on them. If you really don’t feel comfortable at a higher speed, allow following drivers to overtake you, as The Highway Code demands. And if you find yourself in a procession but are unwilling to pass those ahead of you, then for goodness’ sake leave an adequate space between you and the car in front so that those who wish to overtake can safely slot into the gap as they work their way past the queue; forcing a driver to overtake several vehicles at once, or making it hard for him to pull in, is a recipe for disaster. Selfish drivers are bad drivers, and potentially dangerous at any speed.”
I don’t condone speeding, in fact I usually go a couple of K’s under the speed limit myself, but I do think we should be picketing the homes of those who drive WAY too slow. Lets go…

One sip to go

Sometimes I just don’t know where to start. I really don’t. Post-it notes, Wall planners, mobile phone calendars, white-board reminders…. nothing can help!
Having a job like mine – in addition to working as a journalist, I also running a company – can be a real pain in the left one. I know everyone out there that does the same thing will agree.
For instance: When one job ends, the other one swiftly begins – you have TOO MANY bosses to answer to – job security is about as concrete as my grassy backyard – and work-hours can be anywhere between 8am to 5am (sleep, schmeep).
Oh, and at the end of the day, I’ve got to try and squeeze in the website…. right-now, it’s 3:47PM, and I’m on a Coffee break from ‘everything (needless to say, hence the name of the column). By 4PM, I’ll be back into it.
Just thought I would bring that up since a few people have complained recently that I ‘take too long’ to answer their emails. Sorry guys, but sometimes you might just have to wait a day – oh god no! – for my reply. I don’t just run the website, I’m not just sending around waiting to answer emails. I’m working. But believe me…I will get to you all (except the guy who requested a nudie pic of me posing with a Hasbro lightsaber).
So next time you decide t shoot an email to me blasting me for a “Golden Girls April Fools Joke” you didn’t appreciate, or criticising my review of the latest Van Damme movie (because “Van Damme doez rulez, and we’z think he deserve ozccar!) – consider the poor schmuck at the end of the computer whose stuck formatting a spreadsheet of media outlets that might mention the inaugural ‘Chicks with Horses’ film festival that’s in town, and who’ll probably be eating tea with his wife at midnight and up to 3am watching a Britney Spears concert video he has to submit a review of to a newspaper. Notice how the last sip of coffee always draws the biggest whine?


DVD of the week
King Kong – The movie wasn’t much chop – here come the emails – but the DVD is a whopper. Lots of good extras on here, including an exhaustive 3-hour documentary on the making of the movie. Nicely done.

Theatrical release of the week
March of the Penguins – whether you’re a fan of the tuxedoed waddlers or not, you won’t be argue that this is darn cute. An up-close look at the mating habits of (thankfully for once, not, Tommy and Pam) penguins, it’s a finely photographed film with apt narration from the always intriguing Morgan Freeman.


This Week’s Useless bit of Advice
Before you decide to toilet train your cat, make sure YOU have somewhere to go.

Missing Career Alert
Andrea Elson – Remember young Lynn from 80’s TV fave “ALF”? Yeah, whatever happened to her? The Melmac-born alien left our screens, and then, whammo – ostensibly so did young Elson. Apparently she has been swimming in ‘guest star’ land for a while, appearing in such shows as “Passions” and “Kirk”. No doubt, she’s waiting by her phone with the news that ALF : the movie is a go.

5 things you didn’t know about me (and probably don’t care to know)
1. I became obsessed with chicken noodle soup and chocolate milk – though not at the same time – after having my tonsils out.
2. I once had to drive an hour-and-a-half into town to see 8 minutes of footage from a film. Oh hang on….that was today.
3. I’m not a fan of Lucy Liu.
4. I have all of Jennifer Love Hewitt’s CDs.
5. The last book I read was called ‘The First Time I got Paid for It’ by Peter Lefcourt and Laura J.Shapiro





[Australia Only]
What’s on this week?

Sleeper Cell – Wednesday 8:30PM, SHOWTIME– This is a fantastic show. I urge you to watch it. Starring Oded Fehr (who we chatted to recently for the series), it tells of a terrorist unit, operating out of Los Angeles, who are a mixture of near every nationality you could think of. Fehr plays their suave leader. Lots of “24” style twists in this….I’ve seen the first two episodes, and it left me totally psyched to see more.
Prison Break – Wednesday 8:30PM, SEVEN – It’s a special tonight called “Behind the Walls”. I assume they’re running out of episodes? (nearly caught up with America).
Elf – Sunday 7:50PM, MOVIE TWO – On Christmas Eve, a toddler crawls into Santa’s sack and hitches a ride back to the North Pole. Santa discovers the bub, and hands it over to a fatherly elf [Bob Newhart] to take care of. ‘Buddy’ (Will Ferrell) – as he’s named – eventually starts to question why he’s so much bigger than and not as analogous as his fellow elves, and is informed of his real origin. It’s then that he hops a block of ice to New York City in search of the father he never knew existed (James Caan). Why “Elf” works is because it’s suited to Ferrell to a tee. From the physical humour – everyone loves to see a guy fall down and run into solid walls – to the daft nature of the character, you can’t imagine anyone except the towering comedian headlining it.
And to be honest, there’s hardly a slow spot in the movie. Laughs are constant, very constant, and although there are a couple of brief melodramatic scenes towards the end, it never overshadows the gag that’ll follow.
In some respects, many might be wishing for a little more drama, or emotional scenes, especially between Dad and newfound son.
But on the other hand, this is a film aimed at kids, and do they really need to be told or cursed by the knowledge that said Elf is the bastard offspring of an industrialist that found it hard to commit? Or even have jammed in their hands the thoughtlessness of some parents? Nah, let it rest at “Me Son, You Dad”.
Saved – Sunday 11:15, PM, MOVIE TWO – Without taking the Mickey out of faith to such extremes that it would be odious to believers, “Saved!” manages to provide spot-on satire whilst ousting what everyone should, but probably won’t admit to knowing to know : that no one is perfect: some do fall pregnant and become single mothers, some do like a swig of alcohol or a puff of a cigarette from time to time and some do – as sinful as it may be – consort with the neighbours wife.
Without finger pointing, “Saved!” states that it isn’t always those that lie outside the religious circle that embark in such plight.
Mystic River – Tuesday 8:30PM, MOVIE ONE – Adapted from a novel by Dennis Lehane and written for the screen by Brian Helgeland [“A Knight’s Tale”, “The Sin Eater”], “Mystic River” centres on three childhood pals, Jimmy, Sean and Dave, who reunite under rather ill-fated circumstances. Jimmy’s [Sean Penn] daughter is murdered, and his estranged pal Sean [Kevin Bacon] is the investigating detective. Ultimately, Sean’s trail leads to Dave [Tim Robbins], who years before was sexually abused, never really recovered, and it looks like he might have taken out some of that pent-up anger on his former friend’s guiltless descendant. Or did he?
Maybe Clint Eastwood has fared so well behind the camera because he’s making the kind of movies no one else can – projects that sound repellent to other filmmakers, ineffectual to other studios, or too ambiguous to infantile production companies.
If that’s true, then Dr. Harry Callahan should have left the force long ago, retiring on the extraordinary tales that derive from his psyche. The screenplay is excellent, the performances even better, and Eastwood’s direction watertight.

5 things that happened in TV-ville this week
1. MOVIE ONE, MOVIE TWO, MOVIE GREATS and MOVIE EXTRA, owned by MOVIE NETWORK CHANNELS, will today be offered through SELECTV, Australia’s newest satellite subscription television company, in their English language package. [More]
2. “Smallville” will not be showing in Melbourne after 20th April due to AFL and “Before the Game” on Saturday nights. The network says they’re not sure at this stage when it will be returning to Ten in Melbourne.
3. 5 Big time Logie Winners will host the Logies this year. [More]
4. Postman Pat’s Cat is to get his own TV show spin-off. [More]
5. Dan Curtis, producer of the “Winds of War” TV series, has died. [More].



Contact Clint Morris on Clint@Moviehole.net


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About Caffeinated Clint

Clint is the creator, editor and maintainer of Moviehole.

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