Movie News

Gossip Monkey – 4/5/06

This week, the whole “Die Hard 4” thing

The Magnificent Monk-O here!

I’m exhausted. I’ve been seeking a place to live for Lady Monkey and I. Being the Princess she is, I’m looking at every Vine in a Variety of places whilst Hollywood Reporting. Oh, how the puns come thick and fast. Now, I’d travel anywhere and anytime to be with Princess Lady Monkey and I’m finding myself to be more than a little snobbish when it comes to property. So, in the week, I’m shown details of an apartment, by this female French Gibbon, or Gibb urrrn, as I like to say for this story. “You will like. Very much. I am thinkeeen it is so.” She says, driving me to this place. I don’t even have to set foot inside to know I’m hating it. “Is this a joke?” I ask. She frowns at me, parking the car in severe Ghetto Land. The car is silver gray, so we’re kinda neutral in terms of gang colors here. “This is could be research.” I said out loud, with Frenchie ignoring my fearful quips.

So, we head up this stairwell and to the top floor, passing the united cooking smells of Benetton and what looks like the popular sport of ‘Gangsta Soccer’ as I peer down over the balcony to the allocated parking spaces below. This freaking door is hanging off and some oddball Iranian answers the door, saying “Rent? You rent now?” before anyone has set foot inside. What possessed me to even venture into this crack den of a place, I have no idea, but I do and start to think that I’m in a scene from “Crash 2” or something. I feel like re-writing the agent’s spec: Coke mirrors in every room, with cell phone, lighter and pipe. Vintage and highly stained duvet. Comes with dog-ripped furnishings, stained yellow tub, with pubes and scummy kitchen. Parking facility offered, but not risk-free. I later find my details were mixed with somebody else’s. Oh such stress-free joy.

Princess Lady Monkey is hot! I received the most amazing emails from her daily. Her sprightly ape typing fingers, tap away such sure-fire love for me. I’m a lucky ape and wherever we eventually move to, by June (gulp), I’m certain it’s gonna be an adventure. I’m wondering whether she’s gonna bring her tick tocker with her.

Talking of the clock ticking.

The real deal with “Die Hard 4”
“Die Hard 4.0”. So, my Master, Clint, mentioned this the other day. I totally agree that ‘16 Blocks’ shoulda been re-worked. It fit totally into the “Die Hard” mode and is a better script than the ones they’ve got or have had. Hackers. Ooh, scary stuff, McClane. From Johnnie and NY Hackers to a disaster in New Orleans. From Johnnie on an exchange trip in NY to modern day pirates-cum treasure seekers in the Caribbean. From Johnnie in South America rescuing his son. Pitted with his daughter, his son, no wife, with wife. Cheyenne, where would you rather go and shoot a stressful movie? Jersey, Brazil or Bahamas and Hawaii? Fans, d’you want a stand-alone Willis movie where the character happens to be called John McClane and it has nothing to do with the previous 3 films, with whoa so scary computer hackers as villains or do you want a definitive “Die Hard” movie that includes every character you’ve seen in those films and clears them all up, while having a kick-ass plot that has McClane talking to himself in a frantic manner in a different location to where you’ve seen him placed at before? I like South America or the Caribbean. Bandits can scare me. Yardies can scare me. Rebels and miners can scare me (enough of the miner jokes already!). Jet skis and sharks scare me! A hacker plot for DH and anything penned by Bomback scares me!!

007 Trailer
This one time, at Bond Camp. Have you SEEN the trailer online? Be it the French one or the teaser? R.I.P. James Bond.

Grant swimming in “Oceans”?
Talking of people who should never be Bond. Hugh Grant. I hear from reliable sources he will indeed be making an appearance in “Oceans 13”. Let’s hope it won’t be unlucky for some and he doesn’t play himself, as in, himself and plays against type for a change. Ain’t gonna happen is it. Dear Section 8. You’re all talented, collectively and indeed individually, so for what may very well be your last film production together, please don’t make this crap like the last one.

My beef with “United 93”
So, I’m against seeing “United 93” for, well, all reasons really. One, like I wrote last week. Two, why? Three, you have no idea what happened and are accepting Government truth. Four, why? And five, are you going to donate whatever proceeds you may make to the families who lost relatives or the FDNY or NYPD? Probably not, hypocrites. I’m disappointed with Mr. Stone too, but hey..

A Tsunami movie now?
There’s a disaster link and I do hear chatter of a Ridley Scott movie dealing with the tsunami disaster. The brothers Scott have eyed up soon-to-be released novel ‘The Killing Sea’.

Shep’s latest
Nice to hear of talent Richard Shepard – good friend of Clint’s, I believe – and his new one, “Spring Break in Bosnia”, with the Gere Meister. A good pairing methinks.

Heard those “INXS” rumours?
Okay, here’s an Australian one for you. Naomi Watts as Paula Yates and Johnny Depp as Michael Hutchence? I’m thinking this movie will tank and not be the type of film the man deserves. I can’t see it being a ‘Doors’. More of ‘Stoned’ or a ‘Back Beat’. Naomi, I thought she was taking 18 months off? Please let this be a rumor from The Bean, because I nearly fell from my vine when I heard this. You turned down a spy with kick-ass supporting stars for Paula Yates? Also, this movie shouldn’t really be made, should it? Kids haven’t grown up yet, peeps. C’mon huh!

Beverly Hills Cop 4
I know someone from this site, one man in particular, knows a little more about this sequel than I do – he’s probably still wrestling with the nightmare of working on it’s early development, I’m guessing – but can I just say…why do this? It doesn’t need to be done. I like the idea of bringing back Ashton, Reinhold and Reiser…but I don’t think that’s the script that they’re using anymore….so I’m told. The plan now is to make it ‘less’ like the first film was and do something more action-oriented and razzle-dazzle. But again, not my department, just my two cents.

Right, I’m off to look for apartments again or I’ll be in Lady Monkey’s Black Book. Oh, talking of Black Book. Verhoeven is back!

Late tah!

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