Gossip Monkey – 19/5/06


This Week : “Die Hard 4”, “Jinx”, “Logan’s Run” and more

Morning has broken, like the first morn, my Monkey chums and chum-ettes.

I’d like to say that it’s the first time in many, many years that I haven’t attended the Cannes Film Festival in the South of France and to be honest, I’m really none too fussed. The glitz and glam and exposed bodies and drink and bizarre conversation and random nakedness and sordid sexual activity is everything I have with my gorgeous and adorable Princess Lady Monkey AND I can see a movie with her! I’ve certainly saved myself a lot of monkey cash by not going, I can tell you. During my ‘flashing cursor’ phase of staring at the computer screen, working out which character to put in what dangerous scenario as well as contemplating removing a sinking ship scene from a certain action franchise, I found myself designing ‘Reward Cards’ for Lady Monkey. What are they? Well, let me tell you exactly what they are. The Princess is due to Graduate. Yes! Awesome huh? Now you could be thinking that 1) it’s an awesome achievement to be super knowledgeable and Graduate or 2) it’s an awesome achievement for a Monkey such as myself to bag myself such a hot young, fun, intelligent Princess or 3) it’s awesome all round. I kinda like the third. So, I’m making some cards, the number of which totals her final paper in pages. 37. The cards detail her favorite things like Indian food, a type of cider, massages, sexual stuff, cool trips out to places, but I’ve made it into a game. I’ve put my face on a coupla cards, which say I override that decision and she has a couple which can override MY overriding card! I mean, the Princess can wake up in the middle of the night, show me a certain card and demand and Indian Take-Out or for me to go to a late night store and order me to buy her this particular brand of cider OR if we’re some place and she says “Hey Master Monkey, I want it NOW baby” cos she’s got the horn or something, but then I can show MY overriding card, (though I only have two), so choose wisely methinks. Lady Monkey told me the other night that I could get her drunk and she’d do a lap dance for me and then watch True Romance or something! Who the hell wants to go to Cannes when you have all that!

Talking of choosing wisely, I was asked to do the mailbag this week! I think Clint will choose wiser next time.

Is Jinx back-on?
So, this one time at Bond Camp…I hear now, via some glass-to-the-door’ers at Sony, that Halle Berry may be back in talks to do “Jinx”, her proposed “Die Another Day” spin-off, that we all assumed was as dead as a worm near a welcome mat. Ironic. It was initially foiled by other female spy projects in the works, like the female XXX, ‘Daisy Scarlett’, ‘Aeon Flux’ and a Catherine Zeta spy flick (that isn’t happening). “Jinx” will be exactly as its name suggests. You’re launching a new Bond and a new take (apparently), leaving behind a great Bond who had more in him, yet you’re wanting to go back to that great Bond’s last not-so-good outing and take a not so good character and put her in her own series of films? What in “Catwoman 2” are you thinking! You’re a good, Oscar winning actress!

Katie Holmes – Cop This!
The other night I had dream Ms. Holmes wasn’t pregnant at all. She simply wore a body suit whenever she was outside and I was writing something for her and kept asking her how her foam baby was. It was such a weird dream and I am still in total disbelief. I do have other dreams too and if there were dream lawyers, I’d be sued. I did hear Katie Kate Cruise is being eyed to be a young NY cop opposite a method heavyweight set in NYC in something, but this has to be clarified. A sloth told me as we were on the Vine and as he spits food when he talks, it’s difficult to understand exactly what is meaty truth from just er.. meaty meat.

The Da Vinci Crap
Apparently the movie based on the book “The Da Vinci Code” isn’t too good – you can read Clint’s take on it here, which sounds pretty spot-on. My pals in Cannes and in London have also seen it and tell me it’s really quite boring and laughable. I actually haven’t read the book or the script, but aren’t all Akiva’s scripts boring and laughable? Best selling book in the world ever + high profile court case (marketing) + more marketing + A-List US talent + A-List international talent(s) to the power of 4 + A-List director + marketing overdrive + Cannes opening film equals? We’ll shall see.

Kate Hudson buying into ‘Mansions’?
“A Dream of Red Mansions” is to be a Chinese epic set in 1949. Kate Hudson is earmarked to play a journo with a stills camera and Ken Watanabe is a protestor, with both falling for one another. Seems the Chinese connection is to become a trend. John Woo’s ‘about damn well time’ re-teaming with Chow, as well as two other Majors seeking out their own epid tale of the Orient. The “Red mansions” movie is being dealt with set-wise in the UK and parts of Asia. (Speaking of new directing gigs, Is James McTiegue now the guy behind the lens of “Logan’s Run” for Joel Silver?)

Paris Hilton Spat Spot
What is Paris Hilton? Why do people bother to put her in movies? Use your heiress money and finance one damnit! Start a film school. Donate. Help young film makers – don’t try and act! Even in porn, I heard she wasn’t too good an actress.

John McClane going John Smith?
A couple of former “Die Hard 4” scripts are being re-worked into vehicles for other stars. Which stars and which scripts, wasn’t known as yet, but we’ll keep you posted. Just on the Vine, you know? I’m sensing a Casey Ryback return. Talking of DH, I saw “16 Blocks” and still think it shoulda been re-worked..

Get Rich or Die Trying…Again
50 Cent.. Now, I usually don’t care to mention rappers and the ventures into film, as I find it oh so annoying, but then the fine Will Smith did just that and I think is fantastic. Curtis however is by no means Will. “Live Bet” will see him in a heist flick set amongst the world of illegal betting. You’re already rich, try something else. Wasn’t that his first film?

Ship won’t sink Fergie!
“Poseidon”! The only thing that will float in that movie is Stacy Ferguson. The Black Eyed Peas songtress is being whispered about for more roles…Rom coms and bad girl roles. You mark my words. She’s gonna be popular, people.

OK, all I got. I’m out to work on some more reward cards, oh as well as doing some actual hired work.

Late tah! Monks