Special ‘Decaffeinated’ Edition!
A weekly editorial Grande with a double shot
Incorporating “This week in TV”
First of all. Today’s column is a bit of a charade. Why? There’s no coffee in sight at all. Not one. Nadda. You see, I ain’t allowed to drink my second favourite thing in the whole wide world – next to ‘free peep day’ at the local smut cinema – for a couple of days because I have….wait for it, then sigh, please….food poisoning.
Quarter way through coffee
Yep, food poisoning. My god…why didn’t someone write to me earlier and tell me how bad this friggin’ thing is! It’s terrible. I tell ya, I hadn’t felt so sick in a long time – – and all because I ate, or drank, something ‘not quite right’. I’m thinking it was either some Chinese, which we had late last week, or maybe it was the ‘ant-rid’ I mixed in with my nightly health shake? Still not sure.
Either way, it’s disgustingly horrible, and rather painful. If you thought the angel with his wings cropped off in that first episode of “Masters of Horror” – the one John Carpenter directed – looked pale, you should’ve seen me on Saturday! I looked so white, you’d think I’d been bleached instead of the towels my cats pissed on the week before.
Anyway, there’s not a lot you can do when you have food poisoning. There’s a few handy hints though, and I’ll relay a few of them here, for you guys, just in case you decide to swallow a greasy hammer or eat an uncooked piece of hake.
Food Poisoning Tips
– Avoid Dairy
– Actually, avoid anything that you can’t digest (which I discovered is pretty much everything)
– Wait a few hours after your latest ‘chuck’ until you eat again. Then, start small, and with bland things, like dry toast, a plain crumpet, or maybe some mildly-flavoured soup.
– Avoid fizzy drinks. As much as you may want them.
– Avoid Caffeine. (Apparently it’s just not good for ya at such times…so I’m coffee-less for a couple of days. Can you imagine it?!)
– Get Rest. Don’t work (Easier said than done, when there’s bills to pay!, right?)
– Make sure the PayTV isn’t on the ‘Lifestyle’ Channel when you decide it’s time for ‘rest’. A remote search might just send you over the edge….of the bed.
– If you’re a diabetic, check your blood sugar regularly. (I got caught out, and it nearly wasn’t good for the ol’ Clintster)
– Ask your wife to remove any pictures, videos, DVDs and magazines featuring the words ‘Duff’, ‘Lohan’, ‘Hilton’ or ‘Spears’ from your sight – it might just make you feel even sicker…
Half-way through coffee
Last week I asked you to write me and tell me what some of your favourite underrated movies are. I received a Trump-load of emails, but with energy at an all time low, I won’t be typing them all up…nor cutting and pasting everyone of them here….so, in this case, here’s a quick summary of some of the more popular ones.
Films you think are underrated
Tango & Cash : Hmmm…Don’t know if I’m with you on this one.
A Nightmare On Elm Street : Yes, OK, Very cool Pickings.
Crash : Um, didn’t we say underrated, guys?
Twin Peaks : Fire Walk With Me : At least five or six of you mentioned it anyway….(I’m betting that’s the marketing department at Studio Canal, though)
Babe : Again, I think this did get good reviews on release!
The Lost Boys : Yes, OK, definitely deserves a lot more praise than it gets.
Starsky & Hutch : Dude, you should be shot!
Serenity : Yes, definitely. A four-star movie that deserved much, much, more!
Total Recall : Yeah, looking back, it may have been one of Arnie’s better efforts.
Police Academy : Sounds strange, but you could be right, that first one was quite funny.
Hero : No ‘Crouching Tiger’, but yeah, it was good.
Destiny Turns on the Radio : Thanks to Quentin Tarantino for writing in.
Grease 2 : Seems this one has developed a bit of a cult following over time…I had this mentioned several times!
The Thing : This was a popular one. As was “Escape from New York”.
A River Runs Through It : Yes, this did deserve to do better…I thought.
Batman Returns : Too dark, they said though, right?
Blade 2 : I’m with you all there….this one rocked.
Harlem Nights : I wasn’t as sold….but you guys definitely were!
Class : Ok, so ‘Mannequin’ never came up…but another of Andrew McCarthy’s oldies did.
Showgirls : Someone was pulling my leg….I think?
Grosse Pointe Blank : Yay! You all share my love for GPB!
Rudy : Seems this one has a bit of a following with the Americans.
Die Another Day : Was mentioned several times. I liked it too.
The Notebook : Probably the most mentioned title. Good one.
Superman III : Next to “Superman 4”, maybe, but c’mon!
Cabin Fever : Very, very popular title….
The Rules of Attraction : I’m with you there, this rocked my socks off!
Ishtar : Um….if symptoms persist, please, consult your doctor…
Three quarters the way through coffee
I think Michael Douglas rocks. I think he rocks even more when he’s in a good movie – and unfortunately, I can’t say that’s been happening too much lately. “The Sentinel”, it seems, isn’t the big comeback movie that we, or I, had been hoping it would be…and passed through the cinemas quicker than an all-white bus in South Central. The good news is, that Douglas is doing a “Wall Street” sequel. Yep, Gordon Gecko will be back in the market. Set ‘all these years’ after the first film, it’ll have Gecko coming out of Jail – apparently the law eventually did catch up with him – and then trying to blend back into the world. It all sounds awesome. Ed Pressman, Oliver Stone, Douglas…the dream-team back together. The only thing that scares me? Sean Young. Yep, they’re talking of bringing Sean Young (!) back to play Gecko’s wife. Now, didn’t she make everyone’s life a living hell on that set? (And every other set she’s ever been on?) Why would they even consider it?! Surely, Teri Hatcher could fill in? or even – hmm, and I bet I’ve just given them an idea – Mrs Douglas herself, Catherine Zeta Jones?
One sip to go
All the TV networks announced their renewals and cancellations last week, and for the most part, I was pretty happy. I was ecstatic that “Veronica Mars” got renewed, happy to see “Smallville” continue, and though disappointed that they had axed it as a series, happy enough to hear that ABC would consider doing a “Commander-in-Chief” telemovie, to tie-up the events of the first (and only) season. In fact, the only real disappointing thing of the lot…was that the CW network cancelled “Everwood”. And why? Because they’re bringing FRICKIN’ “Seventh Heaven” back for an 11th season? Are they kidding?! Wasn’t this supposed to be the final season for “Seventh Heaven”?! I can’t believe it…. it’s stupidity….You watch, it’s going to backfire, and Stephen Collins’ is going to go and do one of those nudie spreads in a girly magazine, to shake up his image…and then you’ll be up shit creek. Ha.
DVD of the week
Family Guy : Season 4 – Last night, I sat down and decided to give this a go. You know what? I laughed so much; I nearly belched up my bran crumpet. It was that funny. This fourth season – or ‘the first season’ of the ‘all-new’ and ‘resurrected’ “Family Guy” – is even better than the first three seasons, I reckon, with much more in-jokes, a bigger serve of adult humour and some terrific writing to boot. Check it out.
Theatrical release of the week
Brick – If you’re in the states, right now, run to your nearest cinema and see this baby. It’s awesome. “Brick” is your typically convoluted murder mystery, but with the setting flipped from burnt-out private dicks, seasoned kingpins and by-the-book sergeants, to the schoolyard – where it’s teenagers that are caught up in the central mystery. Thing is, the youngsters act as if – and we’re not talking no “Bugsy Malone” bullshit, either – they are seasoned professionals of this harsh-world, especially our resigned hero, and the mobster-like thugs of the piece, instantly erasing the ‘age’ predicament from the setting. And it works. Never for a moment do you say to yourself, ‘Oh, sure, that kid’s only like 18 years old. As if!” – because it’s played out, and written, so honestly and meticulously.
This Week’s Useless bit of Advice
Remember, when you’re setting the timer record on your DVD recorder, to make sure you have it set to either AM or PM – based on whatever time your show is on, because a lot of the time, it’s the one thing you overlook.
Missing Career Alert
Elizabeth McGovern – Really sad what happened to her career, actually, because she was both talented, and rather popular there, for a while. Her biggest film would probably be John Hughes’ “She’s Having a Baby”, but she also appeared in the Oscar Winning “Ordinary People”, as well as lesser-known flicks like “Johnny Handsome”, “A Shock to the System” and “Racing with the Moon”. She’s still working, albeit doing nothing very spectacular, with her most recent credits including a series of “Scarlet Pimpernel” TV things, a bit role in Gregor Jordan’s “Buffalo Soldiers” and the odd TV series – ones you probably never got to see.
5 things you didn’t know about me (and probably don’t care to know)
1. My favourite Bond was Brosnan, Pierce Brosnan. (Yep, not Connery)
2. I work at an ARMY theatre when I was a teenager. Atteeeeenttion!
3. It’s hot in the office today. (Seems crazy to turn on the air-conditioner in the middle of winter, though?)
4. I hate Bjork.
5. I like Bananas – but can’t afford to buy the flippin’ things, because they’re so expensive right now!
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