The “Ask the Caffeinated Guy A Question” Edition
A weekly editorial Grande with a double shot
With Clint Morris
Had a few emails – usually from the one coke-snorting, straightjacketed, glue sniffer – asking why I don’t reply to the messages they send me for “Caffeinated Clint”. Well, quite frankly, between dusting off my Lionel Ritchie albums, reciting lines from “Mannequin 2 : On the Movie” and picketing all theatres showing “Material Girls”, there’s just not enough time…. But since the brain is on the blink today, lets do it. Lets question the webby.
Q. Clint, what’s the latest on the cat? Louis, I take it, was named after Louis B Mayer? – Andrew
A. We can pretend it was anyway (though the wife knows too well that she named the fuzzy gremlin after a handbag!). We’ll, it ain’t bad, but it ain’t good. He’s doing well, but he needs an operation that’s going to cost me the budget of a “Whole Nine Yards” sequel. Talking thousands. Seems he has a ‘Shunt’…. Which MaxsHouse.com says is “Shunting of the portal circulation prevents nutrients and hepatotrophic factors from reaching the liver and precludes hepatic removal of toxins and bacteria from the portal circulation. As a result, most cats with PSSs have a small atrophic liver and clinical signs of HE. In fact, PSSs are the most common cause of HE in cats. (For discussion of the pathogenesis and manifestations of HE, see Hepatic Encephalopathy). The most common clinical signs are behavioral changes, ptyalism, depression, aggression, dementia, blindness, and seizures. Signs of neurologic dysfunction often wax and wane and may be associated with eating, especially a high-protein meal. Exaggerated responses to sedatives and prolonged recovery from anaesthesia are sometimes observed. Signs of HE are often apparent at a very young age, but age of diagnosis of PSS ranges from 2 months to 4 years. Vague signs, such as anorexia, polyphagia, diarrhoea, intermittent vomiting, polydipsia, and lower urinary tract signs, may also be present.” There’s two options 1) don’t operate, but medicate, and he may last a couple of years 2) operate, and though there’s a risk, it’ll probably go OK and he could live his full life. So where doing that. I’m selling all my “Kids in Kitchen” EPS this weekend, to pay for it.
Q. Hey Clint, Loved the review of the “Superman II Donner Cut”. I was just wondering if you’ve obtained screeners of the other Collectors/Special/Deluxe/Now-With-Extra-Brando Editions? I’m very curious to find out how the deleted footage from “Superman IV” looks. I’ve only been waiting 18 years! Cheers – Paul
A. And you’ll have noticed that the reason strangely disappeared from the web after only a few days of being put up, too? Yep, the powers-that-be asked me to remove it. It’ll be up again in November. And yeah, have seen the rest. The deleted footage from “Superman IV” looks; well, as bad as everything else from “Superman IV”.
Q. Hello Mr. Clint, My name is [deleted] and work for Bender/Helper impact it’s a Public Relations company. I would like to forwrd you some of your press releases for your review.
Hope to hear back from you. Thank you – Maria
A. ‘Mr Clint’? Love it.
Q. When is “Reunion” coming back? – Mike
A. When Hell Freezes Over.
Q. Was reading your column last week, and you mentioned a possible “Gremlins 3”. Seriously, who’d watch that?! – Axe
A. Sorry, can you hang on for a minute? ‘Kids! Get in the car! We’re gotta go pre-book some tickets for Gremlins 3’!. In all seriousness, I would. I love those films. Granted, they were made at a time before-special effects before-greenbacks over guts and before-Zach Gallighan’s career shat itself, but just the general storyline has enough steam in it for another round, I reckon. As Director Joe Dante has said in a few interviews though, a third film would be much different than the first two because the studio would be insistent on doing “CGI” Gremlins. Fuck that with a Pogo stick, I say. Practical all the way bee-yatch.
Q. Hey, can you do anything about Brett Ratner directing “X-Men 4”? As in, can you “tell him not to”! – Paul
A. I’ve tried, He won’t listen. He keeps offering me E to shut me up.
Q. I don’t understand John Travolta. You said he passed on “Grease 3” and “General’s Daughter 2”, yet he made “Be Cool!” Is this dude insane? – Cal S.
A. Two words : “The Experts”.
Q. The question should be ‘Why Wouldn’t John Travolta do Grease 3’? He’s nuts. – Miranda
A. Another two words : ”Lucky Numbers”.
Q. I love the column clint. Good that you speak your mind – Tony Dalbot
A. Capital ‘C’ in Clint.
Q. I don’t understand, why did all those sequels not happen? What it mean? – A.Irwin
A. Not unlike a homemade Lasagne, sometimes, for one reason or another (truth is, there’s usually more options on the board than in a game of Family Feud and it’s usually for any number of these reasons), things don’t always work out as planned.
Like cooking the orderly Italian dish, all the ingredients have to be in place before it can begin to bake – and sometimes, again for any of those numerous reasons, they just aren’t.
In the case of a film, it could be that the financing that has fallen through, a lead actor that has dropped out, a director who has inconveniently entered into the witness protection program a week out from principal photography, a script that’s gone awol (true, very true – they’re actually still looking for the shooting script for 1996’s “Chain Reaction”), the studio comes down with an inopportune case of yellow-fever, or, as is commonly the case, a filmmaker has simply just realised that his over-ambitious idea is impossible to put into action.
There have been a number of projects over the years – many that got no further than the ‘whisper’ or ‘idea’ stage, but some that were so far into filming that graffiti artists had to be hired to scrawl junk over the advance daybills that were already plastered across town bus shelters – that have been killed. Remember the proposed fifth “Superman” film that would have teamed up typecast tight-wearer Christopher Reeve with then rising star Arnold Schwarzenegger? What about the once full-speed-ahead sequel to “Twins” (1988) that would have united with both Schwarzenegger and Danny De Vito with the outsized, high-screeching tone of Roseanne Bar? And who can forget Universal’s plans for a second sequel to “Fletch” (1985) with Chevy Chase ready and raring to reprise his role as the media’s master-of-disguises? – Of course you don’t (Chevy barely registers on the radar even when he is in theatres), and that’s the reason for this literary lesson. Truth is, you may wish you never knew about some of these projects – a couple are as fear-provoking as Carrot Tap’s high-school yearbook photo, and frankly, sadder than that plump highschooler who regularly wears his oversized briefs over his head.
Q. And wasn’t there going to be a “Romancing the Stone 3”? – Samuel
A. After the huge success of Romancing the Stone (1984), FOX came to the conclusion that they had a potential new money-spinning franchise on their hands, starring Michael Douglas as grizzled adventurer Jack Colt.
Though “Jewel of the Nile” (1985), a sequel which reunited the original cast – including Kathleen Turner as love interest Joan Wilder, and Danny De Vito as the scheming Ralph – didn’t set the box office on fire, as predicted, the studio still planned to push forward with a third film.
The project, based on a script by Warren Skaaren, stayed dormant in the ever-annoying early stages of production phase until 1997 (yes, twelve years after the last sequel), at which time the studio announced they were looking into it again. When star Michael Douglas dropped out of the submarine movie “U-571” shortly after – it was believed because he was going to do “Crimson Eagle”.
So what happened? One scenario is that Douglas only wanted to return if “Romancing the Stone” director Robert Zemeckis agreed to come back too – if only to produce – but Zemeckis wasn’t interested.
Co-star Kathleen Turner never saw it happening anyway, saying in an online chat (on Arthritis.org) in 2002 that “Michael, Danny and I are too old!”.
Ironically, Douglas recently announced plans to star in the very “Romancing the Stone”-like adventure “Racing with the Monsoon”, revolving around a diamond robbery in India. It could be his next best thing to a “Romancing the Stone 3” or merely just proving a point to Ms Turner that he’s not too old.
Q. Clint, Can I shout you a coffee sometime? – Mazz
A. You do know that Caffeine doesn’t evoke me to throw off my jeans and give everyone a peekaboo of what superhero I wear on my briefs, right?
The Weekly Rap Sheet
Movie of the Week :
Little Miss Sunshine
DVD of the Week
: Cujo : Special Collectors Edition
Watched the following 5 films this week… :
1) Sahara 2 ) Waist Deep 3 ) Cujo 4) Road House 2 5) Stephen King’s Desperation
Favourite Kathleen Turner movie :
V.I Warshawki….. Nah, I BS ya, “Peggy Sue Got Married”
Clint’s least Favourite Kathleen Turner movie :
Moonlight & Valentino
been listening to…. :
Seether : One Cold Night
Happy that…. :
Foxtel has announced a 24-hr “Sci-Fi” channel for Australia, starting December 1!
Not Happy that… :
The Rock’s “Gridiron Gang” is off the release schedule here!
A big opening weekend for “BoyTown”
Retro Pick of the Week :
Thinking that…. :
Harvey Dent’s going to be announced this week
Star Nut of the week :
: See here
Confession of the week… :
Thought Hilary Swank was HOT as “The Next Karate Kid”
This Week’s Useless bit of Advice
If you’re planning on going to three parties in one weekend, best stock the fridge with Milk beforehand.
This Week We Salute :
Who? : Danny Pintauro
What do I know him/her from? : Probably best known as Jonathan on 80s TV sitcom “Who’s The Boss?”, but also in Stephen King’s “Cujo”.
What would you say is their best film? : “Cujo”, by far.
What did you see him/her first in? “Who’s the Boss”.
What have they been in lately? : Besides spruiking about his homosexuality on E? Um, not much.
They done anything dire? : Not really, but he hasn’t done much.
They like anyone else? : Kevin Connolly’s younger, more sensitive, brother.
They still in work? : Just. Is apparently circling a new version of “East of Eden”.
Is their career freezing, cold, lukewarm, warm, hot or sizzling at the moment? : Cold. “Cujo” sequel couldn’t come any sooner.
5 Things You Didn’t Know About…….
1. The scenes at the ‘Cityside Bowling Club’ were actually shot at Windsor’s Melbourne Bowling Club.
2. The ‘Flipper’, where the bowl curves in both directions, is utterly impossible.
3. Written by brothers, Mick and Richard Molloy.
4. Tony Martin has a cameo as the announcer at the Bowling Club (near the end of the film).
5. One of the highest-grossing Australian films of the last decade.
Movie Rating :
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