Rippin’ em new ones a coupla days early
So anyway, isn’t anyone going to write in and mention how ironic it was that near ten minutes after I ripped him a new arsehole for not starting on the new “Indiana Jones” already, that George Lucas came out and did just that? I’ll take credit for that, and the $10.50 that “Terminal Velocity” made in country Victoria upon its release in 1994, thank you very much.
Glug, Glug Glug, and what about…
2007. Will it be half as shit as 2006? Don’t look at me, none of my personalities know – except, of course, the disgruntled cynic one, who loathes the thought of having to endure another 360-odd days until he’s encouraged to drink again – I mean, how could they? Last year looked OK in Jan, too.
So I was sitting around – as I do; between unstacking the dishwasher and sweeping the leaves off the patio – thinking to myself ‘Would I be able to come up with 20 reasons why 2007 might be good?’, and if so, ‘Can I be bothered typing them up for the readers’, and if I did that, ‘Will they give a shit?… or would they’ve been more interested in hearing about Katie Holmes’s sorta-kinda loose-maybe-attachment to the next Batman movie?’. As if it were The Yearling, let’s give it a shot…
1. The new “Indiana Jones” movie will actually be in production – and from what I hear, John Rhys-Davies is already on set; awaiting catering.
2. Rocky Balboa, John McClane, Optimus Prime, The Ninja Turtles, John Rambo, Shrek, Danny Ocean, Spider-Man and David Lynch’s ‘Red’ Herring will all be back on the big screen. Justice League, baby!
3. TV – what with, “Prison Break”, “Heroes”, “Studio 60”, “Battlestar Galactica”, “Veronica Mars” and “Weeds”, to name a but a few – will again, be rockin’.
4. Work-wise, I am going to be so busy, and will probably be mental by March the rate I’m going, that the stress of realising that there’s nothing good at the movies won’t occur as much.
5. Moviehole’s going to be getting a major, major, major shake-up…. I’m talking “Melrose Place” – Heather Locklear rehaul.
6. “Aliens Vs. Predator 2” won’t be out until December, so no need to stress yet.
7. Jim Carrey is starring in a thriller for Joel Schumacher! Put “The Number 23” at “Number One” on your must-see list.
8. Emilio Estevez is back. Now maybe the other Brat Packers can plan their comebacks?!
9. All those movies we mentioned the other day that Mike Myers is going to do? None of those will be out this year.
10. Muse Watson will finally score the role of his career. More later.
11. Eddie Murphy may get an Oscar Nomination… and he may just win, too!
12. Quentin Tarantino has a new film out! And fuck me, it’s got Michael ‘Reese’ Biehn in it!
13. Kristen Bell will still be on our screens – and in a bra in “Fanboys”.
14. “Stardust” is going to single-handedly resurrect the fantasy film! And probably evoke a “Princess Bride” sequel.
15. Jerry Seinfeld can stop spruiking “Bee Movie” – which he has been for the last few years, because it’s taken that long to make – and let the movie do the talking for him when it’s released at the end of the year.
16. The Mailbag won’t be as difficult to do this year… at least not whilst “Dukes of Hazzard : The Beginning” is on DVD shelves.
17. Nathan Fillion – one of the coolest dudes since Jake Ryan – will return to TV screens in Tim Minear’s new show “Drive”. TiVo that one.
18. There will actually be good stuff at Comic-Con – or so I hear.
19. Tom Hanks’s offering for the year – unlike last year’s “Da Vinci Code” – is actually generating ‘good buzz’.
20. Bananas are now cheaper.
Glug, Glug Glug, and what about…..
I’m a fuckin sceptic though; you all know that, right? There’s bound to be a few things that are going to piss me off about 2007… here’s what I’m predicting will have me beating up soft-drink machines…All these friggin’ horror remakes, the increasing cost of coffee and sandwiches (my local just raised the prices!), Van Damme’s inability to steer his career back on track, Shane Warne hosting TV, the likelihood that some of my favourite shows (probably “Veronica Mars”, probably “Battestar Galactica”) will get the axe, all these freaky little “Harry Potter” kids flooding the preview screenings of the new film, having to sit through another dull-ass “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie, an increase of Spam in the inbox, and good actors still not getting good roles, because panty-lass whores have the monopoly on them, I could go on forever, but Microsoft Word now talks and it just yelled “move on!”.
Glug, Glug Glug, and what about…..
You wanna know how good I am? This email just came in :
“Happy New Year To You! This is not meant to be on your mailbag column but I thought it’s interesting to share with you that the Hollywood Psychics seem to be in line with your movie and star predictions. Maybe they read your site? They covered everything from the world, the U.S. events and of course Hollywood and the movies. Most I could remember is that they predicted Timberlake and Cameron Diaz will split, another divorce for Nicole Kidman, Brangelina will not last but Tom and Katie will last. They were right about the O.C. getting axed, Beyonce will grow big in Hollywood, Depp and Leo DiCaprio will continue their success but they said the biggest star will be Tom Cruise. If I remember they said Jen Aniston will still do well, Mischa Barton’s career in trouble including that of Kate Beckinsale but I’m surprise they said even Katie Holmes Hollywood future is bright and yes they mentioned Anne Hathaway even Ben Affleck. Its scary because it so similar with your site. If I’m right they predicted Leo DiCaprio will also have Director Aspirations. We shall see then but I hope 2007 will be good to all; I’m just worried they said the war will continue to get worst even Iran could give us more problems. I also pray about our country especially our boys fighting and protecting us.”
Damn it. My alter ego, ‘Astrological Anus’ has been revealed – - -but yes, what I say, does happen… you watch, William Katt will struggle to score good movie roles in 2007! That one you can take to the bank. Ooogedy-Boogedy!!
Caffeinated Clint’s knobhead of the week : The thousands and thousands of people who have been flocking to “Night at the Museum”. I hear them in the cinema queue : “Wow, we should go see that! Ben Stiller is so funny. It’s probably really good!’….
For Christ’s sake, what is happening with this world? Is Caprica about to blow or something? Have the ‘Body Snatchers’ started with your brains?
Next it’ll be, ‘Hey look love, it’s a remake of K-9 starring Owen Wilson… that is going to be fantastic!!!’.
I know people don’t take much notice of reviews – or else I’d be making money from my day job – but please, listen to people when they come back from either “Museum” or the equally-nauseating “The Holiday” – your friends, I bet, have told you – and say “err, it wasn’t that good”. Yes, they may be celibate, they mightn’t have been to the movies since “Field of Dreams” in 1989, and they shy away from cussing… but they’re right. Your friends are right. Listen to them. Please. Save yourself the bucks. You’d be more entertained trying to bend over and lick your own genitals than watching those two films, believe me.
Caffeinated Clint smiled when…. : He saw that CHUD, one of our website buddies, had the hairy ones to defend themselves against the ‘all-mighty powerful’ official website of all things tradey – or in our case, those pinching bastards that run the foreign showbizy reports or the newspapers! – Variety, who they say are pinching their stories (one in particular): without credit. I fuckin’ hate pricks pinching our stories and running them as their own, so I can relate to their irritation. Hell yeah. I say we all team up – Garth, you can ride the sidecar like Burt Ward, OK?; Brad can fly the nightwing, and Stax can Flash-esque speed to their offices with a summons ; and I’ll just ride Batgirl – and use our motherboardly powers to wreck vengeance on the big man. Read about the CHUD incident here.
Fab but [possibly] Forgotten : Bonnie Bedelia. Readers of the site will know that I’m rather cheesed that Fox hasn’t included the wonderful Bedelia in the “Die Hard” series since 1990. I mean, where the hell is Holly McClane? She mightn’t be married to John McClane (Bruce Willis) anymore, but the character was so popular – and Bedelia hasn’t got a lot else on – and important to the series, that it might be wise to include her, no? I crossed my fingers that she was asked to do the upcoming “Live Free or Die Hard”, but the offer never came, apparently. I can’t figure it out. Bedelia’s best also includes “Presumed Innocent” (1990) with Harrison Ford and “The Boy Who Could Fly” (1986). In recent years, she starred on the TV series “The Division”, and most recently guest-starred on “Big Love”. She may be 58 now, but she’s still got it.
Please make this movie… : Elm Street : The First Kills. I seriously don’t know what the hold up is with this one. New Line have been toying with the idea of a “Nightmare on Elm Street” prequel – chronicling the demise of the child-molester known as Fred Krueger – for years now; even attaching a director (John McNaughton). Freddy is one of New Line’s signature characters, and they’re doing nothing with him at the moment – - this is too grand of an opportunity to skip. Please make this movie.
5 movies Caffeinated Clint sat through [possibly again] this week :
1. Stranger than Fiction – Whilst Zach Helm’s screenplay still isn’t at the level of say, Kaufman – who gave us such brilliant brainteasers as “Adaptation” and “Being John Malkovich” – for a first time screenplay, it’s still rather superb. It is deliciously creative, and seems determined to be anything other than a normal movie. It succeeds too, with the film being a rather eccentric beast – one with real teeth. Thanks to Ferrell’s wonderful performance – as well as heavily worked co-star, Maggie Gyllenhaal, playing the unlikely love interest; didn’t go for Ms Thompson as much here, she just didn’t seem to have much to do – it’s also an enjoyable movie. You won’t laugh your ass off, you won’t cry your mascara away, and nor will you be on the edge of your seat for the film’s duration… but you’ll still be engrossed, engrossed in the character of Harold.
2. Battlestar Galactica (mini-series) : I’ve been watching the first season of the series, without having seen the pilot, so I went back and did just that this week. Now, it makes more sense. Really getting into this show. Someone tells me that if you leave your finger on the pause button at the moment where Laura Roslin (Mary McDonnell) is being informed by her doctor that she has Cancer that you can see the ‘Serenity’ ship? True?
3. Art School Confidential – A truly strange, but still somewhat enjoyable, black comedy that can only be described as “American Pie meets Summer of Sam”. It’s from the guys that did “Ghost World” so again, plenty of observational inside humour and jokes about the world of art. Adam Scott is terrific in his cameo as a smart-ass professional artist who can now talk down to the teachers who taught him he’s done so well.
4. Hard Candy – I never saw this theatrically – must’ve had squash that day, or something – but made sure to catch it on DVD. Wow. What a heavy-going film this is. Disturbing as hell. Ellen Page is awesome though – as the 14-year-old who goes bezerk on the older man she has been talking to over the Internet – and even if it is just for her strong turn, it’s well worth a look. Bring a noose.
5. Turistas – Another destination to cross of your ‘must see’ list: Turistas. It’s dull. It’s dirty. It’s unsafe. It’s depressing. It’s like every other dead-end town you’ve been to. Or, at least, that’s the impression one gets from the film of the same name. Located somewhere between Eli Roth’s “Hostel” and just a “Wrong Turn” away from the “House of Wax”, this latest ‘pretty people get punctured’ pic makes a trip to the mother-in-law’s seem rather bearable: I suppose you could say, at least she’s got more bite.
Words of Wisdom from Mrs Caffeinated Clint :
(A scientist who seems to be able to sum up the word – or a movie – in just a few words, whilst the rest of us feel a page review isn’t even sufficient).
“My grandma would like that movie – she lives for that kinda stuff” – Mrs Morris on the organ-harvesting shocker “Turistas”.
Contact Clint at his MySpace