Gossip Monkey – 19/01/07


‘Monkey’ stumbles upon ‘Face’ from “The A-Team”

Hey Monkians!

Man, there’s some gale force winds occurring here. My fur is dancing upon my arms and legs here. Today I saw a van almost topple over. I feel a storm is due here in London. Nothing compared to the storm occurring with the everso poor Celebrity Big Brother house. I have a rant. I dislike the show. I don’t watch it, but it’s managed to dominate the news here in London. TV, air waves and in print. What’s with this show? What’s with the people who actually accept to take part? The talented Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty is in there! Why? Dirk Benedict is in there! Why? I have a lot of Brit friends and one in particular said to me today that the desperate Brits featured on the show are embarrassing the Nation. Are they a representation of the United Kingdom? Poor Shilpa has been the victim of bullying. Racist bullying? To some, yes indeed. These classless, talentless, ugly Brit girls have let loose foul mouthed attacks containing racist undertones on Shilpa, who has remained a complete professional. Calm and composed. There’s this disgusting mess of an English girl called ‘Jade’. She’s the main bully on this show who has been disgusting towards Shilpa. Jade’s ‘celebrity’ status is simply because she is known for being a thick contestant on an earlier Big Brother series. She represents so many things that are wrong with the United Kingdom. The network bosses of the show have pretty much defended her. Why? Isn’t she repped by the same management team repping the host of the show? I was hoping I would tune into the radio and hear that the Big Brother house has been destroyed by the high winds and only Dirk Benedict (Face from the A-Team) and Shilpa managed to survive. The winds are still strong and I live in hope for a news flash.

Surely my mid January London living hasn’t come to simply being dwarfed by mind numblingly idiotic television shows? Certainly not. I am missing Princess greatly. There seems to be a million hours time difference between us. I awake, she’s in bed, snoozing and cruising the light fantastic, dreaming of cats no doubt. I head to bed and she’s half way through her day. What’s preventing us being together, I hear you ask? Stuff, man, stuff. I need to write and sell stuff aplenty. I’m saving up mega tons in order to take us both away and travel some. See some of the world, you know? .Then I’m gonna have to relax and let Princess take over. She needs to study and work hard and carve out an ace of base career of her own. She will. I havent an inch of doubt in that, but we do need to do more together. Experiencing this world together is an absolute must for us. So while we’re apart, we email, IM, text message, call, you know, whatever you can. Today I receive the hottest email in the world from Princess Lady Monkey. Like fuel on my fire, she’s heating me up! I could have pole volted to work!! Lady Monkey, you’re amazingly hot. You’re currently on a mission of your own. You’ll achieve all your goals, so fear not, okay? I’m always there for you and I will have you in a movie of mine one day, as well as completing the non-commercial kind too. You rock. I love you.

Okay, so it was little long this week, but I’m alone in this city. My best friends are married off, with most in a different line of work and others who do share this business with me have their own mission impossible to complete, Sometimes you just have to reel off.
So what’s been happening in movie world lately?

Sly Stallone doing the interview rounds in the UK. I can say Sly is a very nice guy and just gets nicer as the years progress. I think he’s a tremendous writing talent and when you’ve created such famed characters as Rocky and Rambo, you as a creator have to bring them closure or say; “you know, I wonder where John Rambo is right now.” or “I wonder what Rocky Balboa is thinking these days. Where’s he at?” These questions niggle at you as a writer, (if you’ve penned or created a character pretty well known and that’s spawned follow-up films). Sly’s done well. Will a ‘Death Wish’ remake really come to fruition? I hope so. As long as he writes it. (Though word is, Sly’s scrapped the idea now – after AICN readers gave him a backhander over even suggesting to remake the classic). Also, I’m hearing Sly’s boiling pot containing Edgar Alan Poe. He’s been wanting to get this off the ground for a while and now Balboa and soon Rambo is out of his system for time being, he can maybe concentrate on that. On top of that, “Death Race 3000” is ramping up again… and Sly is still attached to play a role in that. Coolio.

“The Big Bizarro” will star the busy since Bond Pierce Brosnan as an impressive card playing guy who has an apprentice. Yep, it’s a gambling movie and its based on the novel by Leonard Wise. Vondie Curtis-Hall will direct Brosnan who also serves as producer.

Ewen McGregor is lending vocal duties on an animated ‘Jackboots on Whitehall’. It’s more “Team America” than “Toy Story”, which tells an action figure story on what would have happened if ther Germans won the Battle of Britain.

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson has joined the TV remake of “Get Smart”. It sounds cool to me, but what happened to the Rock anyway? I mean, wasn’t he meant to gain all of Arnold’s projects. After “The Rundown”, it kind of tailed off for him. “Spy Hunter”? Where is that? Where’s his Hawaiian epic he had planned?

Guy Ritchie regular Vinnie Jones is teaming up with NFL’s Eddie George and Tara Reid, who owes me and a pal of mine many a drink. “Dukes of Hazzard” London Premiere party for one and she forgot my pal’s name when he saw her in London strolling about the other week. Anyway, the movie is a tough mother of a thriller apparently. Will it be long before we see soccer star David Beckham in a film?

David Beckham is playing himself, yet again, in “Goal 2”. Hmmm.

I’m hearing a remake is on the cards of sick flick “Driller Killer”. Why? Some Brit is doing it. I saw this way back when. Abel Ferrara. Madness.

Saw the trailer for “Outlaw” the other day. Seeing the current state of affairs in the UK, I’m sure its gonna bring nothing short of controversy. Sean Bean is back from army duties and is disgusted by his new urban environment, so forms a vigilante group to ‘teach’ a loada punks a damn good lesson in respect. I’m not a fan of Nick Love’s work, but this one does sound interesting. Disturbing, but it reflects a lot of what society seems to be thinking here in London right now.

Who will be the new Terminator in T4? Is it going to happen?

Get well Kylie!

Who’s the bad guy in “Indy 4”? Or are we looking at a bad woman now? (That’s the rumour around town – and I can tell you what not to expect, or rather who not to expect in the film, Natalie Portman. Those rumours about Nat playing Indy’s daughter can officially stop. Nat’s peeps were telling me the other day that the rumours are laughable and that she has never been approached about the part).

Rodriguez and Q are asking filmmakers to submit trailers to movies that can fit their own “Grind House” flick due out later in the year. A great idea! I’m sure whoever they choose be become a star too AND a trailer featured will get the full feature treatment.

On the up: Victoria Beckham (by association of you know who), Stallone, Timothy Olyphant, Matthew McConnaughey, Christina Ricci, Sigourney Weaver, Chow Yun Fat. Steven Seagal, David Koepp, Muse Watson, Erika Eleniak, Paul Verhoeven, Sacha Baron Coen, Helen Mirren, Chris Showerman, Rachel Weisz.

Standing still: Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Denzel Washington. Gossip Monkey.

On the decline: Angelina Jolie, Madonna.

Ok, so Princess didn’t have a quote as such this week, however as she likes the bizarre, riddles, extreme brainwork, I did pose her these two questions:

Q: What color nail polish would be the best to wear when you turn into a super hero goddess of love and ninjitsu to rescue me from a cave colony of man-eating mountain monks?

A: “Well… obviously it would have to be RED red…because what super sexy goddess of love doesn’t wear red? But I mean…if I came to rescue you…I don’t know if I could resist you and might have to become a super man eating Monk as well.

Q: When a group of dream weaving happy hot angels dance on the head of a pin for you, what kind of dance do they perform?

A: Well of course they would dance a ritual May Pole Porn Dance.