Caffeinated Clint – No Potter for Me


Clint decides to skip ‘Order of the Phoenix’

Clint skips Order of the Phoenix

Whether it’s purely because I like a little more tit with my ticket or because I fancy a little more meat with my computer-generated potatoes, I’ve never got hard over the “Harry Potter” series (the “Lord of the Rings” films either). Know what I mean? Nah, of course you don’t, you all just retuned from seeing the latest movie. Right?

Yes, I’ll admit they’re good movies, but would I have given two shits if I’d missed one of them (I near missed the last one actually, “Harry Potter and the Paedophile of Azkaban”, or whatever it was called)? Nah, not at all. I think I’d be more annoyed if I missed “John from Cincinnati” (and you know exactly what I mean by that) or one of the Indian kids up the road fall flat on his face in the front yard. I quite simply couldn’t be any less stirred.

Its guess it’s like humping an ugly chick. Doesn’t sound too exciting from the outset but once you ‘get into it’; it’s not just tolerable…. It’s kinda fun. That’s how I’ve felt about the “Potter” movies…. I’ve had to be dragged to see nearly every one of them – no, that’s a lie, most of them I have to see them because I’m interviewing someone from the movie or someone needs me to review it – but once they unspool, I’m Ok, and generally feel entertained. My ass may hurt a bit at the end of their 840 minute running times… but generally, I’m entertained. Like visiting the impious grandparents, it’s never as bad as what I expect.

I still remember going to the media screening of the first “Harry Potter” film. It was madness. It was on a Sunday, in the city, and the place was packed from head to toe with anklebiters – anklebiters dressed as fucking magicians, old wizards or virginal hogwartians-in-training. I felt like a pop music fan at a Metallica concert. I didn’t know what the fuck was going on. Why were all these 8 year olds dressed up as wizards? Why was that 40-year-old wearing a warlock’s hat? Why was that teenager in the corner flogging his log to a trading card with Robbie Coltrane on it? I didn’t understand.

After the film was over, I “kinda” got the appeal. It was essentially a “Star Wars” for the new generation – just with wands instead of lightsabers, Robbie Coltrane instead of Chewbecca and, well, Wicket the Ewok (Warwick Davis, from “Return of the Jedi” is in the “Potter” movies too). I could appreciate the story, it was very imaginative, and the special effects were good…. But not for a minute did it cross my mind to jump to my feet and start applauding the film on screen. I don’t think any of the kids did either; they simply packed up their stuff, put their wands back in mum’s handbag and walked out the exit…

“Thankyou mother – that was a very pleasurable experience. We must go past McDonald on the way home and pick up the Harry Potter Value Meal”, says child. “Oh, and just to remind you, there’s another Potter movie coming out in eleven months time so I’ll need another fifteen bucks – and my hat needs re-stitching”.

And it was the same deal for the next twenty – that’s an overstatement, there have only been five, but since one is released near every year it feels like the series sprogs out a new entry every week – or so “Potter” movies. Good effects. Good story. Fat ass Running Time. The End.

This year I’ve decided not to go and see the new “Harry Potter” movie, “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix”. Not only could I not give a damn, but I don’t have to see it – the review is done (Clare Bath caught it for us in L.A), and there’s no interviews for the film; quite simply, there’s no reason to see it.

Now don’t be thinking ‘Clint’s just trying to be cool by saying he doesn’t like Harry Potter’ because that’s hardly the case. My favourite film is a Joel Schumacher movie for Christs sake… and it ain’t even “Flatliners” or “The Lost Boys”… it’s “St Elmo’s Fire”! Could that be any more daggier?

Truth be told, I’ve had to really sit and think about why films like “Potter” and the “Rings” series haven’t one me over. I think it’s due to numerous things…

1. I’m a fan of the old school blockbuster. The type of blockbuster that uses practical effects – like the “Indiana Jones” series – not something that’s 2 hours of special effects. I tend to tune out after watching back to back CGI after about twenty minutes. Personally, I find too much of that stuff takes you out of the movie. Granted, I know you probably couldn’t do a “Potter” movie without special effects… so it’s a bit of a catch-22…. But that’s just how I feel.

2. They’re too long. Nobody went and saw “Grindhouse” because it was too long? Fuck that, “Potter” is too long. The blockbusters I grew up with – sans “Star Wars” and “Indiana Jones” – were about 90 mins to two hours long… and that was plenty. Imagine sitting through a two-and-a-half hour “Ghostbusters” or a three-hour cut of “Young Sherlock Holmes”!?

3. There are too many dull bits. What the fuck was with that sequence where they play the sport? That stupid flying sport!? It went for about the length of a “Police Academy” movie! I could’ve ducked down to Target to buy socks and jocks for an hour and then returned to the movie and I would’ve missed nothing – Potter would still be flying around hitting that ball… or whatever the heck he was doing.

4. They’re so self-important. A little like the “Star Wars” prequels I guess. Their world is THE SHIT. The students at the school are THE SHIT. The old white-bearded professor is THE SHIT. Heck, Harry Potter probably rubs it to a picture of himself every night in the bathroom… the whole universe seems determined to remind you that it’s the smartest, most intellectual, most imaginative, most intriguing place to be. If the universe is so good and all you little magicians have so many powers…. Why catch a fuckin’ train to school every semester! I’d be teleporting my ass to school. Or maybe I just feel like a rejected member of the club. I dunno. One thing’s for sure, I don’t think I can fit in in this club.

The ‘I hate Harry Potter’ Website may have nailed it on the head. They say they despise the series – though admit they’re good films – because they’ve seduced kids into thinking it’s the only fantasy book/film worth bothering with, and as a consequence, other goodies (like “Bridge to Terabithia”) get overlooked.

“Okay, I don’t really hate Harry, but I hate what Harry has become to the genre”, says the webmaster. “I’ve been an avid fantasy fan for as long as I can remember, having read literally hundreds of fantasy books. So, naturally when I first heard about a new book called Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, I eagerly picked it up. I cracked it open and was prepared to be mesmerized. Unfortunately, that was not the case. The book was merely a knockoff of so many other, BETTER, fantasy novels. I can conceive how people might feel attachment to Harry Potter, supposing they have never read the quality fantasy novels that permeate the literary world. It’s like loving McDonalds because you’ve never had lobster.”

The site also noted, as I have, that the stories seem to not only get weaker as they go along – – – but they follow the same formula.

“I have begrudgingly finished all six books and I have to say I disliked it more as the books went on. I started to notice a pattern in all the books: all the same lazy formulas, the same regurgitated plot points in every book, and the same useless tangents that don’t relate to the rest of the book. People claim that these droll repetitions are part of the charm but it’s just evidence that JK Rowling is out of touch with the roots she claims to have in the fantasy genre. After finishing the 6th book I felt lost in a sea of mediocrity, fueled by the Harry Potter craze that never seems to wane.”

I guess what I’m trying to say here, or do, is to work out within myself why I’m not going to see the latest Potter film (I’ll see it on DVD). It’s just not my shot of Daniels.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to quite figure out my lack of interest in this or the “Rings” or the “Narnia” series – maybe they’re just too young for me? – Especially when I enjoy such daggy young peoples movies as “Can’t Buy Me Love”, “Buffy, the Vampire Slayer” and “Explorers”, and I doubt that’ll ever change. Then again… maybe if Spielberg directs one of the films in the “Potter” series (I seem to be able to get into anything Stevo does), I can be turned like Darren Hayes post-Savage Garden.

Sorry? What? Did you say Emma Watson’s grown tits? Really? And she’s in this one a lot? Fuck it. I’m going to see it today. Very Nice. One for Harry Pothead thanks!