5 things ‘I don’t get’
There’s always something on my mind. Always someone on my couch. Always nothing in the fridge to drink. Always something ti complain about…
1. I don’t get….. the freebies table at Comic Con.
As per the title, you’d expect to rock up to a room full of free goodies – DVDs, posters, CDs, lobby-cards, movie passes, stickers and so on, right? You know what you get? A few fuckin’ measly posters of comics you’ve never heard of, postcards of films you’ve never heard of (yeah, the same damn postcards you’d find in any cinema lobby or coffee shop), a bunch of flyers for whatever they’re trying to sell and, if you’re lucky, a badge with ‘I’m a Virgin now outta my way so I can buy my Batman comic’ – - or something of similar pedigree. People surround this table like it’s the fuckin’ ark of the covenant, and they fill up their plastic bags with worthless shit that I wouldn’t even scrape my ass with in the bush. It’s a wonder K-Mart and Ralph’s aren’t whacking their catalogues down on it – they will be now – because they’re pretty much guaranteed that kids will be creamin’ to get their hands on one of their flyers. “Wow, look Jimmy, those plastic things some guys put on their dicks are 50 cents – hee hee hee, that’s rude”. So no, don’t bother with the freebies table…. Unless, of course, you’re this guy –
2. I don’t get…. Why sequels have to be so bad these days.
Back in the day, you could at least expect that something like “The Karate Kid II”, “Rocky II”, “Back to the Future II” or “Lethal Weapon 2” would be enjoyable films – if even a shade on their predecessor – but these days, we’ve pretty much grown accustomed to watching shitty sequels. There’s been a couple of OK follow-ups this year (“Ocean’s Thirteen”, “Die Hard”, “The Bourne Ultimatum”) but the bad to good ratio definitely favours the former. Even sequels you’d expect to be good, like “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” and “Shrek the Third”, had audiences walking away with the largest of frowns. Don’t even get me started on films like “Hostel 2”, “Fantastic Four : Rise of the Silver Surfer”, “The Hills Have Eyes 2” and “Saw 3”. Truth to be told, the studios just don’t give a flying fuck anymore; know they’re going to make money anyway on a sequel, so just whack them together like two fat cows bumping uglies. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I think the folks making direct-to-DVD sequels are putting more effort into those than the troupes that know they’re getting a theatrical release. The more money you have to play with, the shittier the film.
3. I don’t get… why so many people went and saw “Wild Hogs”?
Has Snoop Dogg been passing his crack pipe around? Is John Travolta offering flying lessons with every ticket sold? What’s the go here? “Wild Hogs” would have to be the biggest pile of shit this side of the animal sanctuary. It had the stars – Travolta, Tim Allen, Martin Lawrence and William H.Macy – but it had little else. In fact, one of the film’s co-stars told me over dinner in California last year that the film didn’t even have anything resembling a script and most of it was made up on the spot. If you’re going to spend the money getting John Travolta and Tim Allen to team-up, make it good, otherwise you might as well cast Stephen Baldwin and Wilmer Valderrama in the thing and be done with it. Nobody much cares who gets bitten in the neck by the goose anyway. I’ve been more entertained by watching the grumbling garbagemen in my area try to latch onto bins that are out of their reach (lazy fucks don’t even get out of their trucks anymore). You’ll be glad to know “Wild Hogs 2” is on the way!
4. I don’t get… Why we haven’t seen any more from the “Buffyverse”?
Besides David Boreanaz and Sarah Michelle Gellar, who’d both only reprise their roles for “Buffy” and “Angel” movies – Boreanaz, you expect a studio to bankroll a $50 million dollar movie featuring the star of, er, “Mr Fix-It”? – there’s a heap of willing “Buffy” stars ready and able to bring their beloved characters back to the screen – in any shape of form; be it a movie, TV series or frickin’ radio serial. There was talk at one stage about having Alyson Hannigan play Willow in a telemovie, some scuttlebutt about James Marsters bringing back Spike, and even some talk of Amy Acker’s Illyria coming back. So… where are they? When are they on? They’re not on. They’re not happening. And I bet, they never will. And it’s just wrong. It’s not that the actors – or creator Joss Whedon – didn’t want to do them, it’s the network. The CW is too busy filling their programme schedule with the likes of “The Search for the next Pussycat Whore” and re-running “Seventh Heaven” to be bothered with Whedon and his Buffy spin-off possibilities. He’s tried many-a-time to get them up, but the powers-that-be have passed on his ideas each and every time. Heck, they’d still pass if Whedon said he’d pay the production costs out of his own pocket. The CW axed “Everwood” and “Veronica Mars” so it’s safe to say their brains in their asses – deeply hidden – but maybe one of the other networks can swoop in and offer them some big fat moolah to buy the rights to “Buffy” and company? Either that or, I promise, Whedon, I’ll bankroll a “Buffyverse” movie for you once the mortgage is paid of.
5. I don’t get…. People that push in.
Be it at the sandwich shop, the petrol station or today, at Medicare, people just love pushing in front of me in the cue. Whether it’s because I’m too nice, or whether it’s because I look so content they assume I’m just standing there because I love the pretty colours on the walls, they’ll nudge past you and not give a damn that they’ve rubbed shoulders with you on the way into the line . This fat cow nudged past me, my wife and the pram my baby daughter was in this morning, to pay her Medicare bill. She saw us. She didn’t care. There was a space between the person in front of us, and us, so she slides in there. A million things went through my mind – like, I wonder how much that door stop over their weighs? And I wonder whether it’d cause her skull much damage? But alas, I just let her push her way in. Thankfully, the lass behind the counter gave us her address, so tonight we’re getting some pays to pay her a visit and make her ‘Medicare’ visit really worth her while next time!
(A scientist who seems to be able to sum up the world – or a movie – in just a few words, whilst the rest of us feel a page review isn’t even sufficient).
“Are you sure you don’t wanna come and see Marriage Crashers?!” – Mrs Morris asking husband, Clint, to come to the new Robin Williams/Mandy Moore movie “License to Wed”