Caffeinated Clint – 6/11/07



I’ve just watched “Waitress” again, the surprise hit comedy from the late Adrienne Shelly, and I’ve only one thing to say….


I don’t care whether they salt it, sauté it, smother in barbecue sauce or roll it around in the milky crushed M&Ms from the ass of a mental patient before they give it to you, one thing’s for sure… you’re eating a bullet. For taking away such a cinematic force, not to mention darn fine person in Shelly, you deserve no less than to sit atop of the fuckin’ devil’s fork…. (you can read about the terrible events discussed above here).

There are so many friggin nut bags in this world. Heck, I mean, Shelly was killed because she asked a neighbour to keep the noise down. If it hadn’t have happened, she’d be making her daughter her lunch for school as we speak before returning to her office to finish the re-write on a movie she’s been working on with Cheryl Hines. But no, this twisted immigrant decided he couldn’t handle someone actually asking him to keep the noise down, so decided to silence her. Fucker.

You can get yourself killed for doing anything these days.

You saw “The Brave One”, right? Well, some may say the revenge Jodie Foster gets on the attackers is pure fantasy – and it probably is – but what happens to her and her lover in the film is definitely real. That shit goes on night after night. After the screening of that film (“Brave One”) I walked past a phone booth to see an obviously demented youngster trying to snatch the phone out of the hand of the girl who was using it. He was screaming at her “I want to use the phone. I want to use it now!”. Now I don’t care whether she’d be on that phone for three minutes, or thirty minutes, you don’t treat people like that – this guy’s actions was bordering on physical abuse. He was getting rougher by the minute. The girl was screaming by the time I decided to walk straight past…. Yes, that’s right, I walked straight by. And you know why. You know exactly why. For merely interfering in this kafuffle, I could have been stabbed, sliced or at the very least, had my member bitten off by a HIV-infected telephoner. There was no way I risking it. Best case scenario : Girl gives up the phone to the punk. She runs off. He makes his call to his Mamma to ask if he can come home some and suck on her spotty sacks. The End. Girl lives to tell story.

Sometimes I hate this world – I hate it when people like Adrienne Shelly are taken away from us – but more so, her young daughter and husband – for no good reason at all. If this scumbag gets off (and from all indications, his sentence will be lesser than what he’d have gotten if he lived in Deadwood), I’m calling Paul Kersey. Or Carter. Or Mr. Smith.

Say no to scum.


I get so many emails every day, and most of the time, I’m usually being asked the same thing over and over again…. Whether it’s “Holden Dukes Hazzard Virgin Joystick John Schneider Swallows Batman” or “Can you tell me when Freddy Vs. Jason 2 is coming out?”, I can guarantee I get at least five emails asking the same darn thing every week. So I’ve decided to do a little F.A.Q to stop the repetition…..

F.A.Q – Moviehole

Can you help me audition for [insert superhero’s name here]?
No, I cannot. And if you come knocking on my door, wearing your underpants on the outside and with your hooker mama’s knee-high boots on, I’m calling Arkham Asylum.

Is this a site to get movies made, to complain about movies, or to see that a casting decision is overturned?
No, I gave up my seat on Universal’s development board about twelve months back.

Can I get an update on the next “Friday the 13th” movie?
Yeah, all you have to do is read last week’s Mailbag, and the week before that, and the one before that, and the….

Will Mailbag will be on this week. I have three questions ready to go!
Couldn’t be more excited if Robert DeNiro announced he was starring in another lame-ass comedy. The Mailbag ‘usually’ happens once a week… but if there’s a) something on TV b) diapers to change c) rubbish to take out d) not much battery in my i-mac…. Then it’ll be held over to the week after.

Will Mel Gibson be starring in “Mad Max 4”?
Read the site, it’s only been mentioned about twenty times in the past six months that Mel will not be part of the film. But then, I assume you’ve never actually read the site… nor read the Mailbag… so you can take both that answer and this finger here, and shove it where the hooker goes hunting.

Did Alan Tudyk really say there would be a “Serenity 2”?
Read the interview – those words surrounded by “” means it’s a quote. Something Tudyk said. Recently. Don’t blame me if the film never happens, I’m just the messenger. And to the others that ask ‘Am I a real browncoat?’…. um, who gives a shit. I doubt even the Browncoats give a shit.

Do you read all your emails?
Only the ways that have “free penis enlargement” and “See Hilary Clinton nude” in the subject header.

How old are you?
Just a few days shy of Drew Barrymore’s age. And not quite old enough to be dating Diane Lane. But now, at least, I can buy those alcoholic ice-creams that are…. Shit, no longer on the market!

Can I have [Lindsay Lohan/Jennfier Love Hewitt/Mandy Moore/Hilary Duff/Amanda Bynes/Miley Cyrus’s] email address or phone number?
Um, yeah sure, because they were just telling me how they really wanna hook up with a fat pimply kid who spends most of his time re-watching “Attack of the Clones” and wondering when his first pube is gonna sprout.

When is “Freddy Vs. Jason 2” happening?
Your guess is as good as Toby Emmerich’s.

Why do you run this site?
Because there’s nothing hornier than a bit of finger to keyboard action…. No, seriously, I do it for kicks, do it you, do it to vent (not that you’d know) and do it for Bryan Adams. I also do it so I can interact with pimply fat “Attack of the Clones” fans whom are waiting for their first brown stringy one to pop.

Do you get paid to run Moviehole?
What I make out of Moviehole, I usually put back into it – think of Moviehole as a poker machine; when three ‘Holden’ emails come up at once, you can consider yourself a winner.

What does Holden do?
There’s a rumour floating about that he’s on Uwe Boll’s writing staff – or that he could actually be John Schneider.

Are you going to Comic Con this year?
Only if those three middle-aged divorcees are dressing up as the Ghostbusters again.

Can you link to my site?
Sure, I’ll link it from my ‘My Science Project’ unofficial fan page at Geocities. Let the hits roll in my man!

I didn’t know you were a producer. Can you tell me about [film title]?
OK, in exchange for the information on that TPS report in front of you. Yeah, the one you’re about to give your boss.

Why are all your competitions for Australian readers only?
Because I can’t afford to send prizes out internationally. It’d set me back a couple of hundred bucks to send out 5 DVDs to the states. Sorry folks. We’ll look into it though. Maybe we can offer Massage Parlour vouchers that you can print off online to our U.S readers… or something.

Are you the kid from “Weird Science”?
Yes, and I’ll cherish the time I spent working on the film with the wonderful John Hughes, the uber-talented Anthony Michael Hall and the hilarious Bill Paxton. What I won’t cherish is getting crabs from Kelly LeBrock… bitch.

Would you like to review my new movie – I filmed it in my backyard with my cousins as the stars and on a $5 budget?
Right after I finish reviewing Robert DeNiro’s latest lame-ass comedy.

Fuck You! I kill your family! Van Damme rulz! No what know you not talking about! Bad! Kill! The Hard Corps rulz! Die!
Sony Home Entertainment’s president of production can write anytime he likes. Love getting his letters.

Would you come to our [event name] in West Hollywood this week?
If you have a private jet, a six-pack of Bud light, and vouchers for a Motel-6.

Did I see you at [event name] this week? Was that you?
No, that was the guy from “Weird Science”.