Iâ€™ve said it before and Iâ€™ll say it again â€“ wash your fuckinâ€™ tomatoes with good water, not tainted frickin Indonesian backwater spit, if you want me to keep buying your darn overpriced food court sandwiches! The last thing I need is another bout of this darn food poisoning.
Hey, how about I come over to your place and make you tea, Mr. Chef? You give me ten bucks and Iâ€™ll piss on your saladâ€¦ see how you feel after that, chump! Ahem.. but I digress, Iâ€™m not hear to whine about having to permanently staple my ass to a toilet seat this week because of another unhygienic take-away place, Iâ€™m actually here to beg Hollywood to stop remaking the films we love!
Stop it. Please. Or Iâ€™ll send a round of backwater spit-washed tomato sandwiches your way. No, in all seriousness, our childhoods are being raped right in front of our eyesâ€¦. And the worst thing is, in twenty-years time, the authorities arenâ€™t much going to give a shit that some studio gave it to us up the ass without authorization.. because everyone will be so darn used to remakes by then. Theyâ€™ll be as common as stretch marks on a porno starâ€™s wang.
This week they announced that â€œPoltergeistâ€ would be remade. Fuckinâ€™ â€œPoltergeistâ€. A film that still holds up darn well. If JoBeth Williams looked like Kathleen Turner on crack back then, and if Craig T.Nelson bore those liver spots, it might be a different case but they looked GREAT back thenâ€¦ in fact, everything about the film looked great. Looks great. You donâ€™t need to be swallowing ice with Ben Cousins to see that itâ€™s still a visually exciting and well-shot film. My good friend Zelda Rubenstein and I were having breakfast not long, and we discussed the film. Seems everyone involved in it thinks they were involved in a classic too. I think the original actors, like Zelda, will be feeling like someone hit them over the head when they hear of a remake (and Iâ€™m already planning to tell Zelda NOT to do one of those gratuitous â€˜better do this for the fansâ€™ cameos in the remake).
Some of the horror movies they make today, like say those shitty â€œGrudgeâ€ movies, are dated from the moment the distributor unleashes them onto the unknowing audience â€“ but films like Tobe Hooper Spielbergâ€™s â€œPoltergeistâ€ hasnâ€™t dated at all. Itâ€™s still as terrifying, and as a fun, as it was back when Leo Sayer ruled the wireless. If you want to put bums on seats MGM, re-issue the original film on the big screenâ€¦ give the kids a real treat. Thatâ€™s the go. Donâ€™t tarnish not only our memory, but the late Heather Oâ€™Rourkeâ€™s memory, by doing a shitty remake of a film that doesnâ€™t call for one. But more so, is it worth it? Is it? Iâ€™m thinkingâ€¦ no. You saw what happened to the messy â€œBlack Christmasâ€ remake, and if you blinked, you wouldâ€™ve missed the â€œHalloweenâ€ remake (which actually wasnâ€™t too bad â€“ well, half of It anyway; right up until the point Rob Zombie was told to just copy Carpenterâ€™s film!) that played in theatres a couple of months back. Theyâ€™re not a recipe for successâ€¦ so youâ€™d be better off just spending your time and energy on doing something original.
And by originalâ€¦ I donâ€™t mean a feature film version of an old TV Show or one of those plotless performance-less video-game inspired flicks (how unexciting does that â€œDragonballâ€ movie sound?). Iâ€™m talking about an original movie â€“ something just as scary, just as iconic, just as fun as â€œPoltergeistâ€. Thereâ€™s gotta be a script out there like that. I fuckinâ€™ hate the sequels, but Iâ€™ve got to hand it to the â€œSawâ€ guysâ€¦ they created the first real horror icon of our times. Now thatâ€™s what more people should be doingâ€¦ donâ€™t reuse other peopleâ€™s creationsâ€¦ let them beâ€¦ do something yourself.
Itâ€™s like this darn â€œEvil Deadâ€ remake theyâ€™re talking about doing. Donâ€™t. The appeal of â€œEvil Deadâ€ was that it was a shitty little movie made on a shoestring budget by a group of passionate kids. Who wants to see a $30 million dollar version of it? But more so, who wants to see someone else besides Bruce Campbell play the lead role?
And does anyone actually want to see a remake of â€œFriday the 13thâ€? and is Sean Cunningham really that hard up that heâ€™s OKâ€™ed this? OK, so the first â€œFridayâ€ has dated, but itâ€™s still good fun, and thereâ€™s plenty of sequels to it arenâ€™t there that havenâ€™t dated. The last thing we need is another one of these flashy tightly-edited MTV-style remakes. I donâ€™t think theyâ€™re even scary. I mean, did anyone even jump â€“Jessica Bielâ€™s tits need not answer- in the recent â€œTexas Chainsawâ€ remake? Nah, me either. I think why the original worked so well was because it was rawâ€¦ filmed almost like a documentaryâ€¦ you believed it was happening. How the fuck are we supposed to believe the new â€œTexasâ€ is â€˜realâ€™ â€“ theyâ€™re all recognizable actors; the moneyâ€™s right up there on the screen, and the soundtrackâ€™s more over-powering than anything in the hurried script.
Anyway, back to horror icons, did you hear theyâ€™re remaking â€œChildâ€™s Playâ€? Now, no offence to creator Don Mancini, but dude, youâ€™re better than this – – – the first film stands up real well, and is a terrifying little flick. It doesnâ€™t need to be redone. Sure, the sequels blow harder than Divine Brown on a Saturday night but Chuckyâ€™s first foray in film is, dare I say, a classic. Donâ€™t fuck that up. Youâ€™ll never match it, you know it. Magic occurred first time around. But more so, you canâ€™t play Chucky up as a humorous character, and the series as a comedy, like youâ€™ve been doing the last couple of years and then do a complete 360 and return him to his scary roots. It wonâ€™t work. Chuckyâ€™s funny. You did that. If you wanna bring Chucky back, team him up with another established horror icon, like Freddy, Jason or Michael, and do a team-up flick. Thatâ€™d be fun.
Itâ€™s getting frickinâ€™ bad out thereâ€¦. I swear, weâ€™re just a year or two away from a â€œNightmare on Elm Streetâ€ remake. You know itâ€™s true. My wife says, â€œno, they wonâ€™t do thatâ€â€¦ but I truly believe they will. I donâ€™t put anything past the suits. If thereâ€™s a buck to be made, or if thereâ€™s time to be saved by not having to commission an original screenplay, theyâ€™ll do it. Can you imagine an â€œElm Streetâ€ remake without Robert Englund? CAN YOU? Well, think about that when youâ€™re buying your tickets to the upcoming â€œHellraiserâ€ remake or pre-ordering â€œDay of the Deadâ€ on DVD.
Fuck picketing for writerâ€™s rightsâ€¦.. picket against the slew of Hollywood horror remakes!