Say No to Remakes
Iâ€™ve said it before and Iâ€™ll say it again â€“ wash your fuckinâ€™ tomatoes with good water, not tainted frickin Indonesian backwater spit, if you want me to keep buying your darn overpriced food court sandwiches! The last thing I need is another bout of this darn food poisoning.
Hey, how about I come over to your place and make you tea, Mr. Chef? You give me ten bucks and Iâ€™ll piss on your saladâ€¦ see how you feel after that, chump! Ahem.. but I digress, Iâ€™m not hear to whine about having to permanently staple my ass to a toilet seat this week because of another unhygienic take-away place, Iâ€™m actually here to beg Hollywood to stop remaking the films we love!
Stop it. Please. Or Iâ€™ll send a round of backwater spit-washed tomato sandwiches your way. No, in all seriousness, our childhoods are being raped right in front of our eyesâ€¦. And the worst thing is, in twenty-years time, the authorities arenâ€™t much going to give a shit that some studio gave it to us up the ass without authorization.. because everyone will be so darn used to remakes by then. Theyâ€™ll be as common as stretch marks on a porno starâ€™s wang.
This week they announced that â€œPoltergeistâ€ would be remade. Fuckinâ€™ â€œPoltergeistâ€. A film that still holds up darn well. If JoBeth Williams looked like Kathleen Turner on crack back then, and if Craig T.Nelson bore those liver spots, it might be a different case but they looked GREAT back thenâ€¦ in fact, everything about the film looked great. Looks great. You donâ€™t need to be swallowing ice with Ben Cousins to see that itâ€™s still a visually exciting and well-shot film. My good friend Zelda Rubenstein and I were having breakfast not long, and we discussed the film. Seems everyone involved in it thinks they were involved in a classic too. I think the original actors, like Zelda, will be feeling like someone hit them over the head when they hear of a remake (and Iâ€™m already planning to tell Zelda NOT to do one of those gratuitous â€˜better do this for the fansâ€™ cameos in the remake).
Some of the horror movies they make today, like say those shitty â€œGrudgeâ€ movies, are dated from the moment the distributor unleashes them onto the unknowing audience â€“ but films like Tobe Hooper Spielbergâ€™s â€œPoltergeistâ€ hasnâ€™t dated at all. Itâ€™s still as terrifying, and as a fun, as it was back when Leo Sayer ruled the wireless. If you want to put bums on seats MGM, re-issue the original film on the big screenâ€¦ give the kids a real treat. Thatâ€™s the go. Donâ€™t tarnish not only our memory, but the late Heather Oâ€™Rourkeâ€™s memory, by doing a shitty remake of a film that doesnâ€™t call for one. But more so, is it worth it? Is it? Iâ€™m thinkingâ€¦ no. You saw what happened to the messy â€œBlack Christmasâ€ remake, and if you blinked, you wouldâ€™ve missed the â€œHalloweenâ€ remake (which actually wasnâ€™t too bad â€“ well, half of It anyway; right up until the point Rob Zombie was told to just copy Carpenterâ€™s film!) that played in theatres a couple of months back. Theyâ€™re not a recipe for successâ€¦ so youâ€™d be better off just spending your time and energy on doing something original.
And by originalâ€¦ I donâ€™t mean a feature film version of an old TV Show or one of those plotless performance-less video-game inspired flicks (how unexciting does that â€œDragonballâ€ movie sound?). Iâ€™m talking about an original movie â€“ something just as scary, just as iconic, just as fun as â€œPoltergeistâ€. Thereâ€™s gotta be a script out there like that. I fuckinâ€™ hate the sequels, but Iâ€™ve got to hand it to the â€œSawâ€ guysâ€¦ they created the first real horror icon of our times. Now thatâ€™s what more people should be doingâ€¦ donâ€™t reuse other peopleâ€™s creationsâ€¦ let them beâ€¦ do something yourself.
Itâ€™s like this darn â€œEvil Deadâ€ remake theyâ€™re talking about doing. Donâ€™t. The appeal of â€œEvil Deadâ€ was that it was a shitty little movie made on a shoestring budget by a group of passionate kids. Who wants to see a $30 million dollar version of it? But more so, who wants to see someone else besides Bruce Campbell play the lead role?
And does anyone actually want to see a remake of â€œFriday the 13thâ€? and is Sean Cunningham really that hard up that heâ€™s OKâ€™ed this? OK, so the first â€œFridayâ€ has dated, but itâ€™s still good fun, and thereâ€™s plenty of sequels to it arenâ€™t there that havenâ€™t dated. The last thing we need is another one of these flashy tightly-edited MTV-style remakes. I donâ€™t think theyâ€™re even scary. I mean, did anyone even jump â€“Jessica Bielâ€™s tits need not answer- in the recent â€œTexas Chainsawâ€ remake? Nah, me either. I think why the original worked so well was because it was rawâ€¦ filmed almost like a documentaryâ€¦ you believed it was happening. How the fuck are we supposed to believe the new â€œTexasâ€ is â€˜realâ€™ â€“ theyâ€™re all recognizable actors; the moneyâ€™s right up there on the screen, and the soundtrackâ€™s more over-powering than anything in the hurried script.
Anyway, back to horror icons, did you hear theyâ€™re remaking â€œChildâ€™s Playâ€? Now, no offence to creator Don Mancini, but dude, youâ€™re better than this – – – the first film stands up real well, and is a terrifying little flick. It doesnâ€™t need to be redone. Sure, the sequels blow harder than Divine Brown on a Saturday night but Chuckyâ€™s first foray in film is, dare I say, a classic. Donâ€™t fuck that up. Youâ€™ll never match it, you know it. Magic occurred first time around. But more so, you canâ€™t play Chucky up as a humorous character, and the series as a comedy, like youâ€™ve been doing the last couple of years and then do a complete 360 and return him to his scary roots. It wonâ€™t work. Chuckyâ€™s funny. You did that. If you wanna bring Chucky back, team him up with another established horror icon, like Freddy, Jason or Michael, and do a team-up flick. Thatâ€™d be fun.
Itâ€™s getting frickinâ€™ bad out thereâ€¦. I swear, weâ€™re just a year or two away from a â€œNightmare on Elm Streetâ€ remake. You know itâ€™s true. My wife says, â€œno, they wonâ€™t do thatâ€â€¦ but I truly believe they will. I donâ€™t put anything past the suits. If thereâ€™s a buck to be made, or if thereâ€™s time to be saved by not having to commission an original screenplay, theyâ€™ll do it. Can you imagine an â€œElm Streetâ€ remake without Robert Englund? CAN YOU? Well, think about that when youâ€™re buying your tickets to the upcoming â€œHellraiserâ€ remake or pre-ordering â€œDay of the Deadâ€ on DVD.
Fuck picketing for writerâ€™s rightsâ€¦.. picket against the slew of Hollywood horror remakes!
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Against the Current - the band, not adventures in dangerous swimming 101
Zedd - If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy? (Well, answer my question!)
Arrow (Okay, Felicity from Arrow!)
Chrissy Costanza (cat eyes and buttery lyrics!)
Girls (TV) (Okay, Allison Williams!)
Movies - especially when they play in the dark.
Twin Peaks (TV)
Friends (TV) (It had me at "No way are you cool enough to pull Clint"; damn straight, Chandler!)
Traveling - preferably where water is, so I can splash someone!
Star Wars trilogy - no, the other one, fella!
Alex G - far more talented than her younger brother Alex H
Cameron Crowe movies - Say Anything..., Jerry Maguire, Almost Famous
The sign 'Free Wi-Fi'.
Reenacting dance/song scenes from "Grease" with my little girl (hey! Wait till you see my 'Summer Lovin'! - don't judge)
Die Hard - 40 stories of Sheer Adventure!
Alex Goot & Friends (his enemies aren't half as talented!)
Cooking up a nice dish and sitting in the entertainment area, on a cool night, basking in it's greatness.
Inflatable kids pools full of Vodka Lime Crush.
Acidic Email from angry, over passionate teenagers after I trash something "Twilight"-related on the site. Sparkle elsewhere.
My baby girl's big, caring heart.