Thereâ€™s no ballot sheet, no 1300 number to call and vote on, no SMS line, no online pollâ€¦ just a tipsy fellow on the other end of the fibre optic cable typing first and regretting later. Ladies and gents, the â€˜Caffeinated Clintâ€™ Awards â€“ 2007.
Best Film of 2007
It did not get any funnier, fresher or more refreshingly crude than Judd Apatowâ€™s first big one out of the gate. Probably wasnâ€™t the best thing to see two weeks out from having her own childâ€¦ or maybe it was. The thing I find most surprising is that so many people have come up to me since seeing the film and said â€œI donâ€™t get it â€“ it doesnâ€™t seem realâ€ or â€œI didnâ€™t get the jokes, it wasnâ€™t funnyâ€. Um, what!? Iâ€™m telling yaâ€¦ thatâ€™s real. And if it ainâ€™t funny, then who shoved the sprinkler down my shorts mid-movie?
Worst Film of 2007
Now we know why Anthony Hopkins knocked back a few million dollars to narrate the thing. This thing was absolutely abysmal. If big Dino was spanked for making â€œDuneâ€, he should have his nipples twisted with pliers for greenlighting this bitch. Let the Cannibal rest now, OK?
Most overrated Film of 2007
â€œRomulus, My Fatherâ€
Hey AFI guys, I just filmed my cat taking a dump in the backyard. I added some Sepia to the color palette though, because it looks better. Geoffrey Rush said heâ€™d narrate the thing for a pair of new overalls. Iâ€™m thinking weâ€™ve got a chance at next yearâ€™s best film, right? If â€œRomulus, My Fatherâ€ can â€“ surely my â€˜Cat takes a shitâ€™ DV effort can. â€œ300â€ sucked too. Not as much, but it still sucked. Yeah, OK, so someoneâ€™s handy with a frickinâ€™ computer, and yes Gerard Butlerâ€™s been using his gym membership, but câ€™mon, whereâ€™s the bloody story? If I wanted to see a bunch of muscly guys pounce around in their undies, yelling at each other, I could easily dig up a â€œGeorge of the Jungle 2â€ audition tape at my production companyâ€™s office. Wouldnâ€™t cost me $15 bucks, either. As for â€œSunshineâ€â€¦. Big deal! What a lousy flick. If it had moved any slower Iâ€™d swear Neo had just brushed my shoulder.
Most underrated Film of 2007
Yeah OK, OK, so you can complain that itâ€™s â€œjust like The Princess Brideâ€ (which it really isnâ€™t) but tell me, which film isnâ€™t a little bit like another? Whatever the case, you all missed out on an amazingly fun film here â€“ the effects were amazing, the performances were terrific, and Michelle Pfeiffer looked as terrific as ever. Check it out on DVD.
Most overexposed star of 2007
â€¦. Or one of the other lasses using â€˜rashâ€™ cream at present. Lindsay, in particular, proved once and for all, that sheâ€™s in dire need of a straight jacket and chastity belt this year with her shenanigans. As for Britney, I hear theyâ€™re doing another â€œSurreal Lifeâ€ next year.
Best DVD of the year
â€œTwin Peaks : Definitive Gold Edition Box Setâ€
Iâ€™m bias, because I love David Lynch, and I love to stare at Madchen Amickâ€™s legs, but the â€œTwin Peaks Definitive Gold Edition Box Setâ€ was just superb. The episodes looked great â€“ for the first time ever the pilot was on there too! â€“ but more so, there were some terrific extras, hours of stuff actually. Now if only they could give â€œFire Walk with Meâ€ this kind of deluxe treatment.
Worst DVD of the year
â€œPoltergeist : 25th Anniversary Editionâ€
A few months back Warner teased us with the news of a new two-disc 25th Anniversary re-issue of the original â€œPoltergeistâ€ on DVD. Itâ€™d feature not only a brand-spanking new transfer but 2-discs worth of fan-friendly extras. And then, the â€œPoltergeistâ€ curse struck again â€“ only this time, we were the ones whoâ€™d cop it. After much anticipation the new â€œPoltergeistâ€ DVD arrives in stores with barely a whimperâ€¦ and barely an extra. Something happened on the way to DVD Supplementary Materials Heaven, it seems, with near everything â€“ bar a lousy featurette on paranormal Ghost Hunters (sheesh!) that you can find on The History Channel any god damn night of the week â€“ extracted like a black tooth from a sore mouth. Knowing what a huge fan of the movie he is, we offered a friend of ours, one of the biggest Poltergeist fans out there, the chance to review the DVD for us. Not surprisingly, the chap was that heartbroken by this new release he refused because â€˜â€™I just don’t think I could come up with anything good to say about it besides that it does have an excellent transfer. The lack of special features is just such a huge letdown. The 30 minute documentary on “real ghost hunters” could have been fun in a corny kind of way if it were included along with all the other things fans were hoping for. And, despite what the early specs said, there isn’t even a trailer on the new disc.â€™â€™ Very disappointing!
Hottest NEW Movie Star (Female) of 2007
â€œMary Elizabeth Winsteadâ€
She definitely deserves a good gongâ€™in. She rocked â€œLive Free or Die Hardâ€ but it was in â€œGrindhouseâ€ (or more specifically, Quentin Tarantinoâ€™s â€œDeath Proofâ€) that we all decided who should go on our home-made 2008 calendars. In all seriousness, this girl has the talent and the looks to go far. Hopefully she doesnâ€™t start hanging with LL, BS or PH.
Hottest OLD Movie Star (Female) of 2007
The best Catwoman is still â€˜purrfectâ€™ in my opinion. She had a few great movie roles this year â€“ â€œStardustâ€ and â€œHairsprayâ€ being the most popular of them â€“ but the one she looked divine in was the hardly-released â€œI Could Never Be Your Womanâ€. I tell ya, she doesnâ€™t look a day over 32.
Best Performance by an actor/actress â€“ Comedy/Musical
â€œSeth Rogen in Knocked Upâ€
Whilst Ben Stiller was off deciding what colour hair heâ€™s going to have for 2007, Seth Rogen was quietly seducing us over with his â€˜everymanâ€™ performances in both â€œKnocked Upâ€ and â€œSuperbadâ€. It seems he can do no wrong. 2008 looks to be an even bigger year for him â€“ heâ€™s playing the moâ€™fo â€œGreen Hornetâ€! â€œEllen Page in Junoâ€ In terms of actresses, I think Ellen Page deserves a round of applause for her performance in the indy hit â€œJunoâ€. She was divine in that movie; in fact, she probably made the movie.
Best Performance by an actor/actress â€“ Action/Adventure
â€œMatt Damon in The Bourne Ultimatumâ€
Honestly, I donâ€™t know whether it was Damon that made â€˜â€™The Bourne Ultimatumâ€™â€™, or whether it was simply the terrific screenplay and directing job, or maybe it was a combination of the three, either way Damon came off looking so cool in this film â€“ as he did in the previous instalments â€“ making us all wish we could get a knock on the head, a new identity and have Julia Stiles drive us around. The jury’s still out on an action heroine for 2007.
Best Performance by an actor/actress â€“ Horror
â€œMarley Shelton in Planet Terrorâ€
OK, so â€œPlanet Terrorâ€ â€“ one half of the â€œGrindhouseâ€ double â€“ is much more amusing than it is terrifying, but either way, Marley Shelton acted as if she was in a 1970â€™s B-horror feature and did a brilliant job. Kudos also to the abovesaid Mary Elizabeth Winstead and also Zoe Bell, who appeared in the other â€œGrindhouseâ€ instalment, â€œDeath Proofâ€, and were both rather wicked.
Best Performance by an actor/actress â€“ Drama
â€œJosh Brolin in No Country for Old Menâ€
I was tossing up whether to include Brolin in the â€˜Best Comeback of 2007â€™ or this one, but since Brolinâ€™s never really gone anywhere, I thought this would make more sense â€“ and quite frankly, he probably did give the most impressive performance of 2007 in a drama. Big kisses on the cheek from step ma Babs this year me thinks.
Best Performance by an actor/actress â€“ Science Fiction
â€œAli Larter in â€œResident Evil : Extinctionâ€
Milla Jovovich wouldâ€™ve won it had the category been â€˜best performance an actor/actress â€“ covered in a bucket of foundationâ€™ but since weâ€™re talking about fresh-faced beauties simply having a hoot of a time kicking-assâ€¦ â€œHeroesâ€ babe Ali Larter gets the sticker for her singlet. Pity about the film.
Best Performance by an actor/actress â€“ Western
â€œRussell Crowe in 3:10 to Yumaâ€
Say what you will about the man â€“ heâ€™s still one of the best god damn actors around. Originally, I believe, Tom Cruise and Eric Bana were supposed to star in â€œ3:10 to Yumaâ€ â€“ I canâ€™t see it. Banaâ€™s only half-the-actor Crowe is- the man is a powerhouse performer. Didnâ€™t hurt either, I suppose, that â€œYumaâ€ kicked ass.
Best Performance by an actor/actress â€“ TV
â€œRose Byrne in Damagesâ€
Glenn Close was rockinâ€™ too, but Byrne proved her worth here. If I didnâ€™t feel the utmost urge to name â€œBattlestarâ€ the best series of the year, then â€œDamagesâ€ would definitely have earned the nod. Great show. Thereâ€™s only one time Iâ€™ve felt really sorry for Rose Byrne this year and thatâ€™s when she had to sit and watch â€œSunshineâ€ with an audience here in Melbourne â€“ only to have the film start playing backwards about half-an-hour in. It would be an hour-and-a-half later before the film would be repaired â€“ at which time, most of the audience had walked out â€¦ And both Byrne and director Danny Boyle had cancelled their Q&A.
Best TV Show of the year
It got a bit political in parts, but that only extended its life in my opinion, because by the end of the third season of â€œBattlestarâ€ you were screaming at the TV to give you more â€“ until you realized, of course, that the TV doesnâ€™t actually produce the shows it plays, it just projects them.
Ten Hot film-news events of 2007
1. Anything on â€œIndiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skullâ€ â€“ the more we saw, the more excited we became.
2. The â€œStar Trekâ€ casting â€“ Nimoy returns as Spock! Zachary Quinto makes for a perfect Spock Jr!
3. â€œX-Filesâ€ sequel FINALLY gets the greenlightâ€¦ and a start date.
4. The resurgence of The Western!
5. Bruce Willis joining in on the talkback for the latest â€œDie Hardâ€ at Aint it Cool News.
6. The genius marketers behind this â€œCloverfieldâ€ thing kept us glued wanting to know more about what-could-possibly-be-a-piece-of-shit-but-weâ€™ll-still-see-it-anyway
7. Getting our first glimpse at Heath Ledger as â€œThe Jokerâ€!
8. Seeing Winona Ryder â€˜nearlyâ€™ nude in â€œSex and Death 101â€ (as well as a bit of Naked Natalie in â€œThe Darjeeling Limitedâ€).
9. Anything to do with â€œJustice Leagueâ€ â€“ right up until casting rumour #453.
10. Peter Jackson and New Line kiss-and-make-up and agree to do â€œThe Hobbitâ€!
Five films I couldnâ€™t give a shit about this yearâ€¦.
1. Whatever that last â€œHarry Potterâ€ movie was called
2. That â€œGolden Compassâ€ thing thatâ€™s near ruining New Line
3. â€œThe Seeker : The Dark is Risingâ€. Zzzzzz
4. The third [and hopefully final] â€œPirates of the Caribbeanâ€ movie.
5. Anything rated â€˜Gâ€™ and starring Ice Cube.
Worst sequel of 2007
â€œShrek the Thirdâ€™
In terms of sheer disappointment, the third â€œShrekâ€ takes the cake. This was shit. Dark shit. Shit that wonâ€™t flush. The first two â€œShrekâ€ films were absolute goldâ€¦. This was an unfunny video-game tie-in that somehow escaped going direct to DVD. â€œSpider-Man 3â€ comes a close second or third.
Worst remake of 2007
I actually thought â€œHalloweenâ€ or â€œThe Hitcherâ€ might end up here, but funnily enough, they were the two remakes I actually enjoyed this year â€“ because they tried something different and seemed determined not to simply Xerox someone elseâ€™s film. Pity â€œThe Invasionâ€ didnâ€™t take the hint.
5 Films that â€˜surprised meâ€™ (they were actually good)!
1. â€œFreedom Writersâ€
2. â€œBee Movieâ€
3. â€œThe Namesakeâ€
Worst superhero film of 2007
â€œFantastic Four : Rise of the Silver Surferâ€
The first one was tolerable, this was just a shamblesâ€¦ if they do a third one, Iâ€™ll have to remember to bring my pillow next time. Some other superhero stinkers this year : â€œSpider-Man 3â€, â€œGhost Riderâ€ and, er, â€œUnderdogâ€.
Ten depressing film news stories of 2007
1. Owen Wilsonâ€™s suicide attempt
2. Anything to do with the â€œEscape from New Yorkâ€ remake
3. Anything reminding us just how much Chris Tucker was paid to do â€œRush Hour 3â€
4. â€œChildâ€™s Playâ€ creator Don Mancini announcing he was remaking his own film!
5. Word that Warner Bros didnâ€™t plan on showing anything from â€œDark Knightâ€ at Comic Con â€“ ironically, the teaser trailer for the film premiered on the web the same morning as the WB panel at Comic Con.
6. Christian Bale and Brandon Routh wouldnâ€™t be reprising their roles as Batman and Superman, respectively, for a â€œJustice Leagueâ€ movie.
7. Anything containing the words â€œWesleyâ€ and â€œSnipesâ€
8. That â€œLive Free or Die Hardâ€ would be edited to PG-13 for its theatrical release.
9. That â€œGrindhouseâ€ would be split into two films outside of the United States- where it flopped.
10. That William Shatner wasnâ€™t asked to be part of the new â€œStar Trekâ€. It makes sense, but itâ€™s still sad.
Best comeback of 2007
Iâ€™m pleased to say itâ€™s the plane-steering bloke-kissing bad-managed John Travolta. He finally started giving a shit about his career â€“releasing heâ€™s only one â€œBe Coolâ€ away from doing a â€œChains of Goldâ€ sequel, no doubt â€“ and realised the best thing to do would be to come out. So he whacked on a dress, got his singing voice going again and made goo-goo eyes at Jerry Stiller. Referring, of course, to â€œHairsprayâ€. Itâ€™s one of the bravest things Travolta has done in agesâ€¦ and he was terrific in it. Full points if he writes, directs and stars in a â€œGenghis Khanâ€ biopic in 2008. Kudos to to Kurt Russell for â€œDeath Proofâ€, and also, TV-wise, Ted Danson for â€œDamagesâ€.
5 films that should have â€“ could have done better in 2007
1. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
2. The Hoax
4. Lions for Lambs
5. American Gangster
Most Improved – Moviehole contributor 2007
Adam Frazier. Mastered the back-end in about 5 minutesâ€¦. Nice.
5 WTF moments of 2007
1. â€œGrindhouseâ€ split into two? No!!!
2. A Movie starring Tom Cruise, Robert Redford and Meryl Streep flops?
3. â€œShoot â€˜Em Upâ€ goes direct-to-DVD in Australia!?
4. â€œJourneymanâ€ axed?!
5. Gratuitous full-frontal male nudity in â€œWalk Hard : The Dewey Cox Storyâ€
Most overpaid actress of 2007
Hereâ€™s a clue : she likes BMXâ€™s, once worked as a Brain-Surgeon; bonked Billy Zane on a boat and recently, had 007 running from aliens.
Most overpaid actor of 2007
Best Interviewee of 2007
Josh Brolin. Nicest Guy. True.
Best on-screen couple of 2007
Seth Rogen and Katherine Heigl in â€œKnocked Upâ€.
Worst on-screen couple of 2007
â€œChuckâ€ and â€œLarryâ€
Worst Australian release date delays of 2007
1. â€œShoot â€˜Em Upâ€ (DVD â€“ Jan â€™08)
2. â€œRogueâ€ (was delayed about 9 or 10 months)
3. â€œGone Baby Goneâ€ (AWOL from 2007)
4. â€œGrindhouseâ€ (â€œDeath Proofâ€ came out in November â€“ about a month after the DVD hit U.S stores; no sign of â€œPlanet Terrorâ€)
5. â€œThe Invasionâ€ (finally coming out Feb â€™08; released August â€™07 in the states)
6. â€œThe Hunting Partyâ€, â€œI Know Who Killed Meâ€, â€œP2â€, â€œThe Hoaxâ€, â€œKing of Californiaâ€, â€œDragon Warsâ€, â€œThe Lookoutâ€, â€œThe TV Setâ€, â€œThe Tripperâ€, â€œWe Own the Nightâ€, â€œSleuthâ€, â€œRenditionâ€, â€œThings We Lost in the Fireâ€, â€œDan in Real Lifeâ€, â€œMartian Childâ€, and â€œTalk to Meâ€ will be forgotten about by the time theyâ€™re released here.
Clint Morris in “The Jammed”. What the fuck’s with this guy? Looks like he turned up to an extra in ”Honeymoon in Vegas 2”’