The Caffeinated Clint Awards 2007


Caffeinated Clint Awards 2007

There’s no ballot sheet, no 1300 number to call and vote on, no SMS line, no online poll… just a tipsy fellow on the other end of the fibre optic cable typing first and regretting later. Ladies and gents, the ‘Caffeinated Clint’ Awards – 2007.

Best Film of 2007

“Knocked Up”.
It did not get any funnier, fresher or more refreshingly crude than Judd Apatow’s first big one out of the gate. Probably wasn’t the best thing to see two weeks out from having her own child… or maybe it was. The thing I find most surprising is that so many people have come up to me since seeing the film and said “I don’t get it – it doesn’t seem real” or “I didn’t get the jokes, it wasn’t funny”. Um, what!? I’m telling ya… that’s real. And if it ain’t funny, then who shoved the sprinkler down my shorts mid-movie?

Worst Film of 2007
“Hannibal Rising”.
Now we know why Anthony Hopkins knocked back a few million dollars to narrate the thing. This thing was absolutely abysmal. If big Dino was spanked for making “Dune”, he should have his nipples twisted with pliers for greenlighting this bitch. Let the Cannibal rest now, OK?

Most overrated Film of 2007
“Romulus, My Father”
Hey AFI guys, I just filmed my cat taking a dump in the backyard. I added some Sepia to the color palette though, because it looks better. Geoffrey Rush said he’d narrate the thing for a pair of new overalls. I’m thinking we’ve got a chance at next year’s best film, right? If “Romulus, My Father” can – surely my ‘Cat takes a shit’ DV effort can. “300” sucked too. Not as much, but it still sucked. Yeah, OK, so someone’s handy with a frickin’ computer, and yes Gerard Butler’s been using his gym membership, but c’mon, where’s the bloody story? If I wanted to see a bunch of muscly guys pounce around in their undies, yelling at each other, I could easily dig up a “George of the Jungle 2” audition tape at my production company’s office. Wouldn’t cost me $15 bucks, either. As for “Sunshine”…. Big deal! What a lousy flick. If it had moved any slower I’d swear Neo had just brushed my shoulder.

Most underrated Film of 2007
Yeah OK, OK, so you can complain that it’s “just like The Princess Bride” (which it really isn’t) but tell me, which film isn’t a little bit like another? Whatever the case, you all missed out on an amazingly fun film here – the effects were amazing, the performances were terrific, and Michelle Pfeiffer looked as terrific as ever. Check it out on DVD.

Most overexposed star of 2007
Lindsay Lohan
…. Or one of the other lasses using ‘rash’ cream at present. Lindsay, in particular, proved once and for all, that she’s in dire need of a straight jacket and chastity belt this year with her shenanigans. As for Britney, I hear they’re doing another “Surreal Life” next year.

Best DVD of the year
“Twin Peaks : Definitive Gold Edition Box Set”
I’m bias, because I love David Lynch, and I love to stare at Madchen Amick’s legs, but the “Twin Peaks Definitive Gold Edition Box Set” was just superb. The episodes looked great – for the first time ever the pilot was on there too! – but more so, there were some terrific extras, hours of stuff actually. Now if only they could give “Fire Walk with Me” this kind of deluxe treatment.

Worst DVD of the year
“Poltergeist : 25th Anniversary Edition”
A few months back Warner teased us with the news of a new two-disc 25th Anniversary re-issue of the original “Poltergeist” on DVD. It’d feature not only a brand-spanking new transfer but 2-discs worth of fan-friendly extras. And then, the “Poltergeist” curse struck again – only this time, we were the ones who’d cop it. After much anticipation the new “Poltergeist” DVD arrives in stores with barely a whimper… and barely an extra. Something happened on the way to DVD Supplementary Materials Heaven, it seems, with near everything – bar a lousy featurette on paranormal Ghost Hunters (sheesh!) that you can find on The History Channel any god damn night of the week – extracted like a black tooth from a sore mouth. Knowing what a huge fan of the movie he is, we offered a friend of ours, one of the biggest Poltergeist fans out there, the chance to review the DVD for us. Not surprisingly, the chap was that heartbroken by this new release he refused because ‘’I just don’t think I could come up with anything good to say about it besides that it does have an excellent transfer. The lack of special features is just such a huge letdown. The 30 minute documentary on “real ghost hunters” could have been fun in a corny kind of way if it were included along with all the other things fans were hoping for. And, despite what the early specs said, there isn’t even a trailer on the new disc.’’ Very disappointing!

Hottest NEW Movie Star (Female) of 2007
“Mary Elizabeth Winstead”
She definitely deserves a good gong’in. She rocked “Live Free or Die Hard” but it was in “Grindhouse” (or more specifically, Quentin Tarantino’s “Death Proof”) that we all decided who should go on our home-made 2008 calendars. In all seriousness, this girl has the talent and the looks to go far. Hopefully she doesn’t start hanging with LL, BS or PH.

Hottest OLD Movie Star (Female) of 2007
“Michelle Pfeiffer”
The best Catwoman is still ‘purrfect’ in my opinion. She had a few great movie roles this year – “Stardust” and “Hairspray” being the most popular of them – but the one she looked divine in was the hardly-released “I Could Never Be Your Woman”. I tell ya, she doesn’t look a day over 32.

Best Performance by an actor/actress – Comedy/Musical
“Seth Rogen in Knocked Up”
Whilst Ben Stiller was off deciding what colour hair he’s going to have for 2007, Seth Rogen was quietly seducing us over with his ‘everyman’ performances in both “Knocked Up” and “Superbad”. It seems he can do no wrong. 2008 looks to be an even bigger year for him – he’s playing the mo’fo “Green Hornet”! “Ellen Page in Juno” In terms of actresses, I think Ellen Page deserves a round of applause for her performance in the indy hit “Juno”. She was divine in that movie; in fact, she probably made the movie.

Best Performance by an actor/actress – Action/Adventure
“Matt Damon in The Bourne Ultimatum”
Honestly, I don’t know whether it was Damon that made ‘’The Bourne Ultimatum’’, or whether it was simply the terrific screenplay and directing job, or maybe it was a combination of the three, either way Damon came off looking so cool in this film – as he did in the previous instalments – making us all wish we could get a knock on the head, a new identity and have Julia Stiles drive us around. The jury’s still out on an action heroine for 2007.

Best Performance by an actor/actress – Horror
“Marley Shelton in Planet Terror”
OK, so “Planet Terror” – one half of the “Grindhouse” double – is much more amusing than it is terrifying, but either way, Marley Shelton acted as if she was in a 1970’s B-horror feature and did a brilliant job. Kudos also to the abovesaid Mary Elizabeth Winstead and also Zoe Bell, who appeared in the other “Grindhouse” instalment, “Death Proof”, and were both rather wicked.

Best Performance by an actor/actress – Drama
“Josh Brolin in No Country for Old Men”
I was tossing up whether to include Brolin in the ‘Best Comeback of 2007’ or this one, but since Brolin’s never really gone anywhere, I thought this would make more sense – and quite frankly, he probably did give the most impressive performance of 2007 in a drama. Big kisses on the cheek from step ma Babs this year me thinks.

Best Performance by an actor/actress – Science Fiction
“Ali Larter in “Resident Evil : Extinction”
Milla Jovovich would’ve won it had the category been ‘best performance an actor/actress – covered in a bucket of foundation’ but since we’re talking about fresh-faced beauties simply having a hoot of a time kicking-ass… “Heroes” babe Ali Larter gets the sticker for her singlet. Pity about the film.

Best Performance by an actor/actress – Western
“Russell Crowe in 3:10 to Yuma”
Say what you will about the man – he’s still one of the best god damn actors around. Originally, I believe, Tom Cruise and Eric Bana were supposed to star in “3:10 to Yuma” – I can’t see it. Bana’s only half-the-actor Crowe is- the man is a powerhouse performer. Didn’t hurt either, I suppose, that “Yuma” kicked ass.

Best Performance by an actor/actress – TV
“Rose Byrne in Damages”
Glenn Close was rockin’ too, but Byrne proved her worth here. If I didn’t feel the utmost urge to name “Battlestar” the best series of the year, then “Damages” would definitely have earned the nod. Great show. There’s only one time I’ve felt really sorry for Rose Byrne this year and that’s when she had to sit and watch “Sunshine” with an audience here in Melbourne – only to have the film start playing backwards about half-an-hour in. It would be an hour-and-a-half later before the film would be repaired – at which time, most of the audience had walked out … And both Byrne and director Danny Boyle had cancelled their Q&A.

Best TV Show of the year
“Battlestar Galactica”
It got a bit political in parts, but that only extended its life in my opinion, because by the end of the third season of “Battlestar” you were screaming at the TV to give you more – until you realized, of course, that the TV doesn’t actually produce the shows it plays, it just projects them.

Ten Hot film-news events of 2007
1. Anything on “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” – the more we saw, the more excited we became.

2. The “Star Trek” casting – Nimoy returns as Spock! Zachary Quinto makes for a perfect Spock Jr!

3. “X-Files” sequel FINALLY gets the greenlight… and a start date.

4. The resurgence of The Western!

5. Bruce Willis joining in on the talkback for the latest “Die Hard” at Aint it Cool News.

6. The genius marketers behind this “Cloverfield” thing kept us glued wanting to know more about what-could-possibly-be-a-piece-of-shit-but-we’ll-still-see-it-anyway

7. Getting our first glimpse at Heath Ledger as “The Joker”!

8. Seeing Winona Ryder ‘nearly’ nude in “Sex and Death 101” (as well as a bit of Naked Natalie in “The Darjeeling Limited”).

9. Anything to do with “Justice League” – right up until casting rumour #453.

10. Peter Jackson and New Line kiss-and-make-up and agree to do “The Hobbit”!
Five films I couldn’t give a shit about this year….
1. Whatever that last “Harry Potter” movie was called

2. That “Golden Compass” thing that’s near ruining New Line

3. “The Seeker : The Dark is Rising”. Zzzzzz

4. The third [and hopefully final] “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie.

5. Anything rated ‘G’ and starring Ice Cube.
Worst sequel of 2007
“Shrek the Third’
In terms of sheer disappointment, the third “Shrek” takes the cake. This was shit. Dark shit. Shit that won’t flush. The first two “Shrek” films were absolute gold…. This was an unfunny video-game tie-in that somehow escaped going direct to DVD. “Spider-Man 3” comes a close second or third.

Worst remake of 2007
“The Invasion”
I actually thought “Halloween” or “The Hitcher” might end up here, but funnily enough, they were the two remakes I actually enjoyed this year – because they tried something different and seemed determined not to simply Xerox someone else’s film. Pity “The Invasion” didn’t take the hint.
5 Films that ‘surprised me’ (they were actually good)!
1. “Freedom Writers”

2. “Bee Movie”

3. “The Namesake”

4. “Premonition”

5. “Gracie”
Worst superhero film of 2007
“Fantastic Four : Rise of the Silver Surfer”
The first one was tolerable, this was just a shambles… if they do a third one, I’ll have to remember to bring my pillow next time. Some other superhero stinkers this year : “Spider-Man 3”, “Ghost Rider” and, er, “Underdog”.
Ten depressing film news stories of 2007
1. Owen Wilson’s suicide attempt

2. Anything to do with the “Escape from New York” remake

3. Anything reminding us just how much Chris Tucker was paid to do “Rush Hour 3”

4. “Child’s Play” creator Don Mancini announcing he was remaking his own film!

5. Word that Warner Bros didn’t plan on showing anything from “Dark Knight” at Comic Con – ironically, the teaser trailer for the film premiered on the web the same morning as the WB panel at Comic Con.

6. Christian Bale and Brandon Routh wouldn’t be reprising their roles as Batman and Superman, respectively, for a “Justice League” movie.

7. Anything containing the words “Wesley” and “Snipes”

8. That “Live Free or Die Hard” would be edited to PG-13 for its theatrical release.

9. That “Grindhouse” would be split into two films outside of the United States- where it flopped.

10. That William Shatner wasn’t asked to be part of the new “Star Trek”. It makes sense, but it’s still sad.

Best comeback of 2007
John Travolta
I’m pleased to say it’s the plane-steering bloke-kissing bad-managed John Travolta. He finally started giving a shit about his career –releasing he’s only one “Be Cool” away from doing a “Chains of Gold” sequel, no doubt – and realised the best thing to do would be to come out. So he whacked on a dress, got his singing voice going again and made goo-goo eyes at Jerry Stiller. Referring, of course, to “Hairspray”. It’s one of the bravest things Travolta has done in ages… and he was terrific in it. Full points if he writes, directs and stars in a “Genghis Khan” biopic in 2008. Kudos to to Kurt Russell for “Death Proof”, and also, TV-wise, Ted Danson for “Damages”.

5 films that should have – could have done better in 2007
1. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

2. The Hoax

3. Grindhouse

4. Lions for Lambs

5. American Gangster

Most Improved – Moviehole contributor 2007
Adam Frazier. Mastered the back-end in about 5 minutes…. Nice.
5 WTF moments of 2007
1. “Grindhouse” split into two? No!!!

2. A Movie starring Tom Cruise, Robert Redford and Meryl Streep flops?

3. “Shoot ‘Em Up” goes direct-to-DVD in Australia!?

4. “Journeyman” axed?!

5. Gratuitous full-frontal male nudity in “Walk Hard : The Dewey Cox Story”

Most overpaid actress of 2007
Here’s a clue : she likes BMX’s, once worked as a Brain-Surgeon; bonked Billy Zane on a boat and recently, had 007 running from aliens.

Most overpaid actor of 2007

Chris Tucker.

Best Interviewee of 2007
Josh Brolin. Nicest Guy. True.
Best on-screen couple of 2007
Seth Rogen and Katherine Heigl in “Knocked Up”.
Worst on-screen couple of 2007
“Chuck” and “Larry”
Worst Australian release date delays of 2007
1. “Shoot ‘Em Up” (DVD – Jan ’08)

2. “Rogue” (was delayed about 9 or 10 months)

3. “Gone Baby Gone” (AWOL from 2007)

4. “Grindhouse” (“Death Proof” came out in November – about a month after the DVD hit U.S stores; no sign of “Planet Terror”)

5. “The Invasion” (finally coming out Feb ’08; released August ’07 in the states)

6. “The Hunting Party”, “I Know Who Killed Me”, “P2”, “The Hoax”, “King of California”, “Dragon Wars”, “The Lookout”, “The TV Set”, “The Tripper”, “We Own the Night”, “Sleuth”, “Rendition”, “Things We Lost in the Fire”, “Dan in Real Life”, “Martian Child”, and “Talk to Me” will be forgotten about by the time they’re released here.

Most over-the-top performance of 2007

Clint Morris in “The Jammed”. What the fuck’s with this guy? Looks like he turned up to an extra in ”Honeymoon in Vegas 2”’