One-way conversations â€“ they annoy me about as much as Britney Spearsâ€™ newly-discovered British accent. Maybe more.
I canâ€™t tell you how many of my friends insist on either calling or emailing me on a daily basis to let me know about their day/their week/their problems/their sexual conquests and hang up before theyâ€™ve even asked how I am.
I swear itâ€™s like â€œHey! Clint! So, anyway, I was down atâ€¦.â€ And theyâ€™re off. An hour later theyâ€™ll still be talking â€“ at which time Iâ€™ve usually put the phone down on the kitchen bench or have gone and changed Charismaâ€™s nappy and just yell out â€˜Yes!â€™ â€˜Really?â€™ or â€˜Ha!â€™ now-and-then to make it sound like Iâ€™m still there and still engrossed in whatever the heck theyâ€™re talking about â€“ about themselves, and still neglect to ask me how my day was or how my little one was or whatâ€™s new in my world. Before you know it, they wrap up their story and throw a â€œAnyway, I gotta go â€“ good talking!â€ in the direction of the receiver.
What the fuck?! Did I even have to be there for that? Could you not just write that on my goddamn MySpace wall? Seriously, you couldâ€™ve just telegraphed that story about the guy you blew at the over 28s disco to me. I didnâ€™t need to be there. Itâ€™s not like you wanted a response. Itâ€™s not like you wanted to hear my voice. Itâ€™s not like you were actually interested in having a â€œchatâ€. (Same with people who respond to your kindly all-inclusive emails with a â€œGood! See you soonâ€ or â€œCool! Ciao!â€ I hope they choke on loose Pubes).
Yes, itâ€™s one of those days. Iâ€™m tired, Iâ€™m over-worked, Iâ€™ve got a baby that plays up all hours of the night, Iâ€™ve had quite a few tiffs this week (over work, no less), a thousand-and-one headaches with the film productions Iâ€™m involved in, and thereâ€™s a few important things that are just circling my mind over-and-over â€“ as they do. The â€˜offâ€™ button has been removed from the thinking department of the Morris model 1975, so thatâ€™s no help, and I donâ€™t really think that â€˜warm milkâ€™ legend is actually true. Maybe I just need to get on the phone and start calling people myself â€“ and just make sure that before theyâ€™ve even said Hello I let them know about how exhausting and maddening my life is at the moment? Yeah, itâ€™s not a bad idea.
Hang on, Iâ€™ll try it nowâ€¦.
Fuckinâ€™ Answering Machine. Shit!
Oh what the hell, Iâ€™ll talk to it!
So anyway, thatâ€™s off my chest â€“ they just heard about how expensive bags of nappies are these days, sucked in! â€“ and I do feel better. Maybe Miley Cyrus will get back to me tomorrowâ€¦ maybe she wonâ€™t. Whatever the case, I said what I wanted to say â€“ and more.
You do feel better when you vent, I think.
You gotta â€œget it outâ€ sometimes I guess â€“ and John Holmes was a testament to that.
When youâ€™ve got fifty different jobs like I do, and a demanding baby, plus an ever-ringing phone and constantly-beeping email service, itâ€™s no wonder the old Clintsterâ€™s begun to sprout a few more grey hairs (not quite Richard Gere â€“ Pretty Woman but close to Richard Gere â€“ Officer and a Gentlemen).
Onto something more, well, Movie-related…
Saw the latest â€œRamboâ€ film tonight and â€“ youâ€™re gonna hate me saying this AB King â€“ I think Stallone ripped us off…. if even slightly. It ain’t the film he promised us back in 1932 when he first announced he was working on the screenplay (I believe the initial idea was Rambo and Charlie Chaplin taking on the Nazi’s).
Yes, the new film was entertaining, and Stallone was quite good (though he didn’t really have to do much in it but look beefy), but there was nothing in it. It was, for all intents and purposes, just another over-the-top â€œRamboâ€ movie â€“ something Stallone said it wouldnâ€™t be. Most annoyingly, it felt hurried and way too short â€“ did it go for only 80 minutes? Was that right? It seemed to be a in rush to cross the finish line from itâ€™s opening credits.
I love seeing the Burmese military been blown â€“ rather spectacularly â€“ to bits as much as the next guy, and thereâ€™s nothing more alluring than seeing Julie Benz in a soaking singlet, but â€œRamboâ€ shouldâ€™ve and couldâ€™ve been so much more. It was supposed to be a book-end to the seriesâ€¦ sorta like â€œRocky Balboaâ€ was to â€œRockyâ€â€¦ but instead it was just a thinly-written excuse for over-the-top stunts and mindless violence. It needed more of that â€œFirst Bloodâ€ tone to really work â€“ and Iâ€™m quite surprised that Sly didnâ€™t include more of it. You didnâ€™t really learn anything new about the character, nor where heâ€™s been the last decade or two, and the final few minutes â€“ though I did like it to an extent â€“ comes out of nowhere; as if it was written before the rest of the script.
Donâ€™t get me wrong, â€œRamboâ€ isnâ€™t a bad film â€“ I just expected more. And I bet Iâ€™m not the only one. I think there’s a reason why it didn’t do anywhere near the numbers that “Balboa” did and I’d say it’s because of ‘word of mouth’ – people raved about the former, not so many have been raving “Rambo”. I believe people still do take notice of what other’s say (because of the horny neighbour I used to live next door to said it was rubbish I totally dodged “Porky’s Revenge” back in the day- see! one pimply-faced 14-year-old’s opinion can count!)
I am glad to see some of these 80s superstars making a comeback though â€“ thereâ€™s definitely a place for them, and, as theyâ€™ve proved with the box office receipts of late, an audience thatâ€™s still keen to see them.
Stalloneâ€™s probably on his last few movies now, so no doubt wants to go out with a bang, and Iâ€™m all for that but does it have to be â€œDeath Wishâ€? Does anyone really want to see another â€œDeath Wishâ€movie? Didnâ€™t we just have two â€œDeath Wishâ€ movies in theatres â€“ released under the titles â€œThe Brave Oneâ€ and â€œDeath Sentenceâ€?
I think thereâ€™s much more potential in having Sly do something like the â€œWestworldâ€ remake that he was attached to at one point or another. That would be cool â€“ if only because they could do things now that couldnâ€™t be done back then. Iâ€™d also like to see Sly do some â€˜actingâ€™ again â€“ we know he can, weâ€™ve seen him â€˜performâ€™ in the â€œRockyâ€ films and â€œCoplandâ€ â€“ and if given the opportunity, could really rock in a Tarantino movie or a Scorsese film. Surely thereâ€™s a 65-year-old eye-patched transsexual assassin character out there that someone needs to cast?
Interestingly enough, though Stallone has made a big comeback of late, most of his peers from the 80s â€“ and Iâ€™m not talking about Schwarzenegger, heâ€™s busy, nor Bruce Willis, he hasnâ€™t moved â€“ havenâ€™t. Theyâ€™re still stuck in cheap direct-to-video movies â€“ Steven Seagal, Jean Claude Van Damme, Chuck Norris, Burt Reynolds, Chevy Chase, Bo Derek, Tom Berenger, er, Ralph Macchio (actually, is he even still acting? I think I saw him serving at In-And-Out Burger).
Iâ€™m actually surprised that Van Dammeâ€™s career hasnâ€™t been resurrected â€“ thereâ€™s probably room for another of his cheesy big-screen action movies (even if it is a “Universal Soldier 3″); canâ€™t be any worse than one of those pricey teen slasher flicks they seem intent on making each month â€“ or that Steven Seagal hasnâ€™t shaken hands with Warner Bros and put the past behind them to make an â€œUnder Siege 3â€. It seems the logical choice. And why he havenâ€™t we seen the greats of comedy back on the screen yet? Isnâ€™t it due time someone checked the pulseâ€™s of Chase, Aykroyd, Moranis and Dreyfuss? Iâ€™m betting theyâ€™ve all still got it â€“ well, just as much as Sly Stallone or Mickey Rourke has. Suppose they’re in a different field, sorta, kinda, though.
Back good on ya Sly. You did the impossible : You made your way back.
For the first time ever â€“ he had Schwarzenegger to fear back in the day â€“ Stallone rules the action world again. If Vin Diesel, Ice Cube, Samuel L.Jackson and Tom Cruise had had a little more success in the genre than they did, then Sly might otherwise be â€˜just another of the boysâ€™ but those guys didnâ€™t do so well in the world of bam and biffo, in fact most of the guys have all but said goodbye to action movies (though Dieselâ€™s trying to get his career up and going again by doing a film he never said heâ€™d do â€“ â€œFast and the Furious 4â€) and moved on to either comedies (Ice Cube has anyway) or comic-book stuff (Jacksonâ€™s currently filming â€œThe Spiritâ€), so the podiumâ€™s essentially all Slyâ€™s. What will he do with this power though? And does anyone have the ability to steer him away from remaking old Charles Bronson movies?
Anyway I have to go leak some information to TMZ about what colour bra I just spotted Tara Reid wearing here in Australia so best be off.
Keep it shaved.
P.S â€“ I just realized why I feel so pissed today! Itâ€™s because â€œFriday Night Lightsâ€ has gone bust! TV needs to grow balls again. Bring back the Panthers! Gimme more Tyra! Keep Aimee Teegarden fed! NBC dumps FNL but greenlights â€œKnight Riderâ€? Strange days we live in. Strange days indeed.