Welcome to the first Caffeinated Clint of the new â€“ and I promise to not change the design again; at least not until the itch really kicks in â€“ Moviehole. As you can seeâ€¦ weâ€™re now orange. Purple was too depressing â€“ and according to my nutty mother-in-law, way too negative a colour for anyone â€“ or anything â€“ to be wearing. So itâ€™s goneâ€¦ like the Justice League movie .
Anyway, hope you like the new site. I must thank Pete â€“ wherever the fuck he is , David â€“ heâ€™s a master web-nut!, and Denise Richards â€“ because, you know, â€œits complicated â€ coming up with a new website. Even the back-end is changedâ€¦ look, Iâ€™ll drop my pantsâ€¦
I wanted to mention this a while back, but couldnâ€™t because I was-too-fuckin-busy-doing-this-website, so Iâ€™ll mention it now : Nicolas Cage has hair-plugsâ€¦ OK, no, thatâ€™s not what I was going to say (heck, everyone knows Cageâ€™s hair is as fake as Brandon Routhâ€™s muscles)â€¦ I was going to say, IS HOLLYWOOD DONE WITH RAPING OUR CHILDHOOD YET?
Did you see what they did to Indiana Jones!? He might as well have been played by Wilford Brimley, had a cartoon monkey as a sidekick, and Joan Plowright as his love interest! Paul W.S Anderson might as well have directed it, too â€“ fat lot of good Steven Spielberg did with it! I honestly canâ€™t believe that the man who gave us such timeless classics as â€œE.Tâ€, â€œClose Encounters of the third Kindâ€ and â€œRaiders of the Lost Arkâ€ served up something so sloppy for Indyâ€™s fourth â€“ and unlikely final- jaunt!? (Especially when they had more than enough time to come up with something solid).
â€œIndy 4â€ was seriously depressing – and I lived through â€œJaws 3Dâ€ and â€œThe Golden Childâ€, so thatâ€™s saying a lot â€“ so much so that Iâ€™ve tried to wipe it from my memory.
I actually returned to watch â€œIndiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skullâ€ a second time. Man, I shouldâ€™ve left it at the one and only viewing. If Iâ€™d reviewed the film again, after the second viewing, I doubt itâ€™d be hanging onto its 3 stars I initially gave it. And anyone who gave it more than that will be regretting that decision in a yearâ€™s timeâ€¦ I guarantee it.
Look, I donâ€™t hate the film, and Iâ€™ve definitely seen worse sequels, but it was a bit of a let-down. Letâ€™s admit itâ€¦ It had no oomph in itâ€¦ and everything from the Tone to the Cinematography was more Wonka than Willy. But mainly, you know what I hated the most about it? How John Williamsâ€™ timeless Indiana Jones score would come into play whenever Indy didâ€¦wellâ€¦ anything!! If he even lifted a leg, they played it!â€¦ heâ€™s got his hands wrapped around Shiaâ€™s stomach, as Shia rides a motorcycle over grass, and Spielberg feels the need to insert Indyâ€™s da-da-da-da theme? What!? I donâ€™t hear no fuckinâ€™ hero theme when I ride shotgunâ€¦. I didnâ€™t know it was that brave of a thing to do?
Scene 141 : Indy cocks a leg. Farts. INSERT : Da-da-da-da theme.
Anyway, enough whining about â€œCrystal Skullâ€ â€“ Iâ€™ll watch it in ten years and see if it grows on me like â€œTemple of Doomâ€ did â€“ and onto the topic at hand: Franchises. Classic Franchises. Most of them are being toyed with at the moment. Itâ€™s trendy to resurrect all the old characters â€“ Rocky, Rambo, Terminator, Die Hard, Indiana, Michael Myers, Freddy, Predator, Alien, Snake Plissken, The Lost Boys and next, the Highlander!â€¦. so whoâ€™s next? Who other old film seriesâ€™ can Hollywood dust-off?
Classic Andrew McCarthy/Kim Cattrall comedy â€“ one that made about ten bucks at the box office, but that was enough to spur a sequel (starring the original â€˜Buffyâ€™ and the dude from â€˜Hermanâ€™s Headâ€™)â€“ thatâ€™s so high-concept someoneâ€™s bound to redo it someday. Some heavy metal act is likely to cover Starshipâ€™s â€œNothingâ€™s Gonna Stop Us Nowâ€ for it, too.
As the Mannequin : Jessica Simpson
As the dick that falls for her : Nick Lachey
Nod to the original? : The son of G.W Baileyâ€™s character â€“ he was the security guard, with the dog named Rambo, in the original â€“ is the filmâ€™s villain.
Somewhere out there, right now, a producer is trying to get a remake of the Michael J. Fox comedy classic up. You just know it. And you just know itâ€™s going to be absolutely atrocious! Maybe they can get Doug Savant back to play someoneâ€™s father?
As the Wolf : Zac Efron.
Nod to the original? : James Hampton has a small role as â€˜Grampsâ€™.
Mel and Danny arenâ€™t likely to step back into their roles for a fifth film – – but Warner Bros is probably chomping at the bit to do a remake. Iâ€™m sure theyâ€™ve already had a meeting about it â€“ and everyone from Jason Statham to Gerard Butler and Tyrese Gibson is on their wish-lists. Now thatâ€™ll be fuckinâ€™ despressing!
As Riggs : Gerard Butler
As Martaugh : Tyrese Gibson
Nod to the original? : The psychiatrist who chased Mel Gibson around for four films returns. Same actress. Same routine.
Back to the Future
There wonâ€™t be a â€œBack to the Future 4â€ â€“ thatâ€™s what the original team behind the classic trilogy keep telling us. What they arenâ€™t telling us is that theyâ€™re already talking to Universal about a remake. Iâ€™m guessing, but I donâ€™t think Iâ€™d be too off-the-mark. Here comes some pimply-faced MTV star as Marty McFly!
As Marty McFly : Emile Hirsch
As Doc Brown : Nicolas Cage
Nod to the original? : Lea Thompson cameos as a woman handing out flyers. â€œSave the Clock Tower! Save the Clock Tower!â€.
Another piece-of-shit 80s horror/comedy that some big-name Hollywood studio will wanna remake one day â€“ for five times the cost of the original. I can see the Ghoulie-crawling-out-of-the-toilet commercials nowâ€¦.
As the Toilet Ghoulie : The voice of Seth Rogen
Nod to the original? : Peter Liapis, the original Jonathan Graves, cameos as a Janitor.
Dan Aykroyd has been trying to get a third â€œGhostbustersâ€ movie off-the-ground for years. Those guys are all too old now. It wonâ€™t happen. Betcha Sony is considering a remake though!
As the Ghostbusters : Jack Black, Ben Stiller & Robert Downey Jr (pending box-office returns on â€œTropic Thunderâ€)
Nod to the original? : In one scene, Ray Parker Jr is slimed by a ghost just before heâ€™s about to head onto stage for a â€˜We ripped-off Huey Lewisâ€™ homage concert.
Like â€œGhostbustersâ€, those Gremlins have been rumoured for a comeback for years now. Unfortunately, Joe Dante, the man behind those original two movies, doesnâ€™t think itâ€™d work now â€“ not since everything is CGI Now. Which is exactly what the new Warner Bros will probably do!
As Billy : Scott Porter
As Kate : Katie Cassidy
As Gizmo : the voice of Freddie Highmore
Nod to the original? : Corey Feldman plays the knob who wets the first Gremlin. Again.
â€œCrittersâ€ was such a fuckin average science-fiction/horror movie, but you just know itâ€™s going to be remade â€“ all fifty of the frigginâ€™ sequels, too. Hey, they could probably even afford to bring back Billy Zane? (but definitely not Leonardo DiCaprio).
As Helen Brown : Kristen Stewart
Nod to the original? : Billy Zane plays a street punk butt-raped by a Critter.
Romancing the Stone
Jack Colton, the hero of â€˜â€™Romancing the Stoneâ€™â€™ and â€˜â€™Jewel of the Nileâ€™â€™, is the kind of adventurous hero that studios love. If thereâ€™s money in it for Michael Douglas, you can bet heâ€™ll give his blessing to whoever is brave enough to remake â€œStoneâ€.
As Jack Colton : Matthew McConaughey
As Joan Wilder : Kate Hudson
Nod to the original? : Holland Taylor reprises her role as Joanâ€™s editor.
George Gaynes will be long gone before Jerry Weintraub gets the long-gestating â€œPolice Academy 8â€ off-the-ground, so I think itâ€™s safe to say that if the crazy cops make any kind of return, itâ€™ll be in the form of a remake. And Iâ€™m guessing itâ€™ll be about as funny as Cancer.
As Mahoney : Ryan Reynolds
As Hightower : Michael Clark Duncan
As Commt. Lassard : Steve Martin
As Tackleberry : The Rock
Nod to the original? : Steve Guttenberg plays Mahoneyâ€™s father.
Weekend at Bernies
There was talk of a third â€œBerniesâ€ movie there for a while, but I also heard that they were thinking of doing a remake to the first movie. This new one would be set a Ski Resort, rather than the Beach, where two hapless sods have to drag a dead body around the slopes.
Was â€œWeekend at Berniesâ€ that good that it needs to be remade? No. Does that matter? No.
As Larry : Ashton Kutcher
As Richard : Dane Cook
As Bernie : Ian McShane
Nod to the original? : Billy Zane plays a street punk butt-raped by a Critter.