By Clint Morris
Films based on Japanese anime are a bit like second-hand board games â€“ mostly in one piece, but itâ€™s aggravating when you discover just how many bits arenâ€™t there. And like the recent â€œSpeed Racerâ€, the feature film adaptation of â€œDragonball Zâ€, imprudently titled â€œDragonball Evolutionâ€, is like Mousetrap without the Mouse â€“ gimmicky, colourful and pretty to look at, but not much fun.
An early contender for worst film of the year, director James Wongâ€™s (â€˜â€™Final Destinationâ€™â€™, TVs â€˜â€™The X-Filesâ€™â€™) film really only succeeds in one thing â€“ giving its lead actor a great haircut (yes, theyâ€™ve mastered the Goko haircut from the cartoons â€“ with the spikes). But even a creative moptop wonâ€™t keep the most easily pleased of viewers entertained for an hour-and-a-half.
Flat from go to whoa, the thinly-written, comatose bore tells the story (if you can call it that; wouldnâ€™t surprise me if the script consisted of four dot points) of a young messy-haired teenager named Goko â€“ yeah, a white kid named Goko â€“ played by Justin Chatwin (â€œWar of the Worldsâ€), whose in search of seven mystical Dragon Balls (not in a literal sense â€“ that might have been a more interesting movie). Of course, the evil Lord Piccolo (James Marsters) is also after the magical balls but with the help of new trainer Master Roshi (Chow Yun-Fat), Gokuâ€™s gonna be ready to fight for â€˜em.
This is just artery robbery. With kids having to shell up to $15 to see the thing, the filmmakers should be ashamed of themselves. Video-game flicks like â€œMortal Kombatâ€ and â€œMax Payneâ€ may only â€˜justâ€™ past muster, but this doesnâ€™t even attempt to pass itself off as entertainment. If anything, itâ€™s an elongated commercial for a new toy line. Thereâ€™s nothing in it at all.
Chow Yun-Fat, no doubt there for the fat cheque and thatâ€™s it, looks as bored as batshit; â€˜â€™Phantom of the Operaâ€™â€™ cutie Emmy Rossum seems to spend her time telekinetically letting her manager know this isnâ€™t the film she signed on for, and former â€˜â€™Buffyâ€™â€™ favourite James â€˜Spikeâ€™ Marsters, becoming somewhat typecast as a fiend from elsewhere, looks plain bored (not to mention uncomfortable in that wacky make-up; seems there was some paper mache masks left at the end of 1987â€™s â€œMasters of the Universeâ€). In fact, the only chap seemingly enjoying himself is Justin Chatwin, as Goko – but then, considering his last flick was â€œSuperbabies : Baby Geniuses 2â€, heâ€™s probably not at a stage where he can tell a good film from a bad film. â€¦
â€¦. Unfortunately for Twentieth Century Fox, we, the punters, are.
Donâ€™t dare unleash your peepers on â€œDragonballâ€ â€“ itâ€™ll give you conjunctivitis.
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Against the Current - the band, not adventures in dangerous swimming 101
Zedd - If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy? (Well, answer my question!)
Arrow (Okay, Felicity from Arrow!)
Chrissy Costanza (cat eyes and buttery lyrics!)
Girls (TV) (Okay, Allison Williams!)
Movies - especially when they play in the dark.
Twin Peaks (TV)
Friends (TV) (It had me at "No way are you cool enough to pull Clint"; damn straight, Chandler!)
Traveling - preferably where water is, so I can splash someone!
Star Wars trilogy - no, the other one, fella!
Alex G - far more talented than her younger brother Alex H
Cameron Crowe movies - Say Anything..., Jerry Maguire, Almost Famous
The sign 'Free Wi-Fi'.
Reenacting dance/song scenes from "Grease" with my little girl (hey! Wait till you see my 'Summer Lovin'! - don't judge)
Die Hard - 40 stories of Sheer Adventure!
Alex Goot & Friends (his enemies aren't half as talented!)
Cooking up a nice dish and sitting in the entertainment area, on a cool night, basking in it's greatness.
Inflatable kids pools full of Vodka Lime Crush.
Acidic Email from angry, over passionate teenagers after I trash something "Twilight"-related on the site. Sparkle elsewhere.
My baby girl's big, caring heart.