By Brian Orndorf
Burning through a film career in the same time it takes some people to shop for car insurance, Lindsay Lohan suffered a major blow two years back when she agreed to star in the laughable thriller, â€œI Know Who Killed Me.â€ It was then and there that Ms. Lohan went from a praiseworthy ingÃ©nue to a bad actress statistic, effectively killing her screen career through a series of poor artistic and personal choices. â€œLabor Painsâ€ symbolizes Lohanâ€™s attempt to climb the Hollywood rope all over again, forgoing an interesting, cunning rebirth to make a dreadful sitcom-style film that merely asks her to show up and stand in front of a camera. â€œPainsâ€ is aptly titled, placing the visibly exhausted star in the center of a motherhood farce thatâ€™s miles above her skill level.
A beleaguered secretary at a publishing house, Thea (Lindsay Lohan) is trying to protect her job from an abusive boss (Chris Parnell), desperate to keep employment to support her sister through college. Threatened with termination, Thea claims pregnancy, much to the surprise of the office and workplace BFF, Lisa (Cheryl Hines). Now forced to fake her way to term, Thea embarks on a series of foam bellies and bewildered reactions to the stages of pregnancy. Charming the pants off Nick (Luke Kirby), her ambitious superior, Thea is placed in charge of a sardonic pregnancy book written by a curious expectant mother (Bonnie Somerville), leaving her deception wide open for discovery.
â€œLabor Painsâ€ isnâ€™t a devastatingly awful picture that requires a bottle of booze and a nap to flush out of the system, but itâ€™s offensively subpar. Filmmaker Lara Shapiro doesnâ€™t exactly direct the feature, sheâ€™s just simply the one in charge, ordered to manufacture something airy and cute out of a pile of clichÃ©s and bored actors. Shapiro shows no authority here, lacking any semblance of spunky comic timing to boost â€œPainsâ€ to a plateau of giggles. Sheâ€™s also horrible with organization, leaving Theaâ€™s boyfriend Miles (played with typical repulsion by Aaron Yoo), a critical presence in the film, a complete mystery: the character is introduced, somehow agrees to this bizarre con (we never see his reaction), and is quickly ushered away as a nuisance, making room for Thea to make googly eyes with Nick.
Oh yes, did I mention â€œLabor Painsâ€ is more of a romantic comedy than a pregnancy spoof? Reducing the script to a mere photocopy of any other rom-com around, â€œPainsâ€ holds to this notion that itâ€™s better to focus on bringing these opposites together than playfully toy with Theaâ€™s anxiety. Of course, it doesnâ€™t help that Lohan and Kirby share the type of chemistry youâ€™d find with a pair of strangers awaiting appointments at Planned Parenthood, or that the actors are lacking the needed charisma to allow the viewer a chance to root for these fools. Shapiro, clinging to formula with the dedication of a nun to Jesus, instead pounds the square subplot into the round hole of the movie, making the final 20 minutes of the film (the requisite break-up-to-make-up scenario) something out of a bad Matthew McConaughey movie. And by bad Matthew McConaughey movie I mean all Matthew McConaughey movies.
â€œLabor Painsâ€ is a dreary comedy, lazily going through the motions, accurately reflecting Lohanâ€™s current interest level in her own self-worth. Thereâ€™s nothing funny or sweet about it. The film is just a puddle of mediocrity from filmmakers who couldnâ€™t be bothered with putting some effort into their work, and a lead actress whoâ€™s only trolling for a quick paycheck.
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Against the Current - the band, not adventures in dangerous swimming 101
Zedd - If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy? (Well, answer my question!)
Arrow (Okay, Felicity from Arrow!)
Chrissy Costanza (cat eyes and buttery lyrics!)
Girls (TV) (Okay, Allison Williams!)
Movies - especially when they play in the dark.
Twin Peaks (TV)
Friends (TV) (It had me at "No way are you cool enough to pull Clint"; damn straight, Chandler!)
Traveling - preferably where water is, so I can splash someone!
Star Wars trilogy - no, the other one, fella!
Alex G - far more talented than her younger brother Alex H
Cameron Crowe movies - Say Anything..., Jerry Maguire, Almost Famous
The sign 'Free Wi-Fi'.
Reenacting dance/song scenes from "Grease" with my little girl (hey! Wait till you see my 'Summer Lovin'! - don't judge)
Die Hard - 40 stories of Sheer Adventure!
Alex Goot & Friends (his enemies aren't half as talented!)
Cooking up a nice dish and sitting in the entertainment area, on a cool night, basking in it's greatness.
Inflatable kids pools full of Vodka Lime Crush.
Acidic Email from angry, over passionate teenagers after I trash something "Twilight"-related on the site. Sparkle elsewhere.
My baby girl's big, caring heart.