By Brian Orndorf
As a Minnesotan for nearly my entire life, the fish-out-of-water comedy â€œNew in Townâ€ drives me up a wall. While innocent fun was poked toward the state in the Coen Brothersâ€™ 1996 classic â€œFargo,â€ the business of cartooning up Minnesota has almost become a full-time industry, last felt in the pop culture dynamo, â€œJuno.â€ Because many in the remaining 49 states will take â€œTownâ€ to heart, let me assure you all: Minnesotans would never present meatloaf to a first-time dinner guest (itâ€™s casserole/hotdish or nothing at all), they donâ€™t eat Tapioca by the bucketful, and Iâ€™ve never heard anyone introduce the glory of Jesus in casual conversation. Itâ€™s been 13 long years since â€œFargoâ€ and numerous irritating Lea Thompson interviews, and my sense of humor concerning this topic has been rubbed raw; â€œNew in Townâ€ is nothing short of a character assassination attempt on Minnesota, and even worse, itâ€™s a ghastly romantic comedy that requires heavy sedation to endure.
An aspiring executive at a food manufacturing corporation based in Miami, Lucy Hill (Renee Zellweger) takes a chance to impress her bosses by volunteering to restructure a dairy plant in New Ulm, Minnesota. Once arrived, Lucy is shell-shocked by the frozen land, finding the cold unbearable, the locals exhaustively gracious, and the factory workers fearful of unemployment. Spending months surviving the small town blues, Lucy finds herself drawn to Ted (Harry Connick Jr.), the local union rep, and the community itself, trying urgently to avoid an upcoming round of layoffs that will destroy morale and sever her newfound friendships.
Indeed, the Minnesota jokes are the cornerstone of â€œNew in Town,â€ pushing a thoughtless agenda to make the New Ulm populace come across as borderline mentally challenged folk, written as Nordic boobs who cling to their small-town bangs, Christmas sweaters, and monosyllabic responses to complex situations. Itâ€™s a cruel depiction that serves no real comedic purpose, nor is it a concept thatâ€™s seen to its ultimate satiric destination, especially when the polar opposite metropolis here is Miami, painted in the film as some sort of corporate Mecca for ruthless, ladder-climbing money whores. Miami? Perhaps this picture is payback for â€œScarface.â€
Cast aside the wandering-cow-in-the-road sight gags, accent crazy performances (J.K. Simmons, here as a curmudgeonly factory boss, is shameless with his â€œYEAH, YOU BETCHA!â€ characterization), and general cinematic disapproval of a culture that celebrates neighborly generosity, and â€œNew in Townâ€ just plain stinks as creation of romantic intent. Itâ€™s bad enough to trash Minnesota, but the rest of the script is a dreadful paint-by-numbers affair, turning over every conceivable clichÃ© to form the body of the story. From the meet cute to the break-up-to-make-up, â€œNew in Townâ€ corals it all, working in montages and a slapstick Tapioca fight (no joke) to fill time while Zellweger and Connick Jr. summon zero chemistry together. The actors arenâ€™t terrible here, they just lack needed electricity, though the screenplay doesnâ€™t allow for much of a bond, only pulling Lucy and Ted together for a few brief scenes, leaving their relationship to bloom in a hurry instead of slowly embracing the audience.
On top of all of the nonsense, â€œNew in Townâ€ wasnâ€™t even brave enough to shoot in Minnesota (good old Canada steps in for the North Star State), which renders the production useless all around. If you really, truly need a Minnesota romance to get you through the night, avoid â€œNew in Townâ€ like the plague and run out and rent Ali Selimâ€™s masterful immigrant tale â€œSweet Land.â€ Youâ€™ll thank me later.
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Against the Current - the band, not adventures in dangerous swimming 101
Zedd - If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy? (Well, answer my question!)
Arrow (Okay, Felicity from Arrow!)
Chrissy Costanza (cat eyes and buttery lyrics!)
Girls (TV) (Okay, Allison Williams!)
Movies - especially when they play in the dark.
Twin Peaks (TV)
Friends (TV) (It had me at "No way are you cool enough to pull Clint"; damn straight, Chandler!)
Traveling - preferably where water is, so I can splash someone!
Star Wars trilogy - no, the other one, fella!
Alex G - far more talented than her younger brother Alex H
Cameron Crowe movies - Say Anything..., Jerry Maguire, Almost Famous
The sign 'Free Wi-Fi'.
Reenacting dance/song scenes from "Grease" with my little girl (hey! Wait till you see my 'Summer Lovin'! - don't judge)
Die Hard - 40 stories of Sheer Adventure!
Alex Goot & Friends (his enemies aren't half as talented!)
Cooking up a nice dish and sitting in the entertainment area, on a cool night, basking in it's greatness.
Inflatable kids pools full of Vodka Lime Crush.
Acidic Email from angry, over passionate teenagers after I trash something "Twilight"-related on the site. Sparkle elsewhere.
My baby girl's big, caring heart.