By Brian Orndorf
I understand that writer/director Robert Rodriguez wants to give his R-rated instincts a rest on occasion, focusing on family entertainment to delight his numerous offspring and his own inner child. With 2001â€™s â€œSpy Kids,â€ it appeared the new direction was going to become an artistic boon for Rodriguez, allowing the filmmaker to expand his horizons. And then â€œSpy Kids 2â€ chipped the paint job, â€œSpy Kids 3-Dâ€ sneezed on the cake, and â€œThe Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girlâ€ made life just a little more difficult to live. â€œShortsâ€ is the latest round of juvenile antics from Rodriguez and advances his wasteful behavior, denting a promising filmmaking career on yet another crude distraction that plays much too obnoxiously.
â€œShortsâ€ is a story told in shorts, centered on the neighborhood of Black Falls, where the residents all work for the evil Mr. Black (James Spader) creating the Black Box, a cell phone-like gadget that can shape-shift into any helpful, portable device. Dropping from the sky one day is a rainbow-colored wishing rock, which falls into the hands of dork Toe Thompson (Jimmy Bennett). Embarking on a series of wishes, Toe turns the town upside down, tempting others to steal the rock for their own purposes, including school bully Helvetica (Jolie Vanier). With pals Loogie (Trevor Gagnon) and Nose (Jake Short), parents (including Jon Cryer, Leslie Mann, and William H. Macy), and Toeâ€™s sister (Kat Dennings) hunting around for the rock, it becomes a race against time once Mr. Black becomes aware of the stoneâ€™s powers, hoping to take over the land with his wicked wishes.
Assuming his customary stance as the all-in-one filmmaking machine, Rodriguez (who directs, scripts, shoots, edits, co-scores, and prepares daily lunches) aims to whip up a live-action cartoon with â€œShorts,â€ breaking down the fantasy narrative into bite-sized pieces for easier consumption. The picture is five chapters of Black Falls shenanigans with the wonders of the wishing rock employed to tie it all together, permitting Rodriguez plenty of dead air to fashion his favorite cocktail of adolescent slapstick, aggressive scoring, and homegrown special effects.
Narrated by Toe (who also has the magical power to pause and fast-forward through the footage), â€œShortsâ€ is a purposely disjointed feature. Rodriguez is smart to rearrange story points, promoting a confusing swell of nervous energy to best backdrop the comedic disorder. Thereâ€™s no off button to the picture, leaving those sensitive to noise at the mercy of Rodriguez and his inability to throttle his immature exuberance. â€œShortsâ€ barrels ahead with annoying, camera-mugging child actors (Bennett and Vanier are inexcusably insufferable) and screeching visual effects, creating a piercing explosion of sight gags and cartoon sound cues, including random fart noises during the chapter breaks. Why? Because Rodriguez can.
Kids will likely devour this fantasia of bug-eyed reactions, miniature alien invasions, thespian hyperactivity, and booger monsters (one of the many icky and oddly predictable wishing rock mishaps), and Rodriguez makes it clear heâ€™s playing right to the nose-pickers. Still, the base sensibilities displayed here are covering for a decided lack of imagination. The man of a thousand jobs comes across as desperate to please, using every pandering device he can exploit to get the kids on his side. While thereâ€™s some thrill in seeing Duckie and Steff share the frame once again, thereâ€™s nothing for adults to latch onto with â€œShorts.â€ Itâ€™s a vacuous feature, devoid of any charms; a cartoon mishmash missing fizz and ingenuity to make it bearable to any audience member crazy enough to evolve beyond a fascination with nostril functions. —
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Against the Current - the band, not adventures in dangerous swimming 101
Zedd - If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy? (Well, answer my question!)
Arrow (Okay, Felicity from Arrow!)
Chrissy Costanza (cat eyes and buttery lyrics!)
Girls (TV) (Okay, Allison Williams!)
Movies - especially when they play in the dark.
Twin Peaks (TV)
Friends (TV) (It had me at "No way are you cool enough to pull Clint"; damn straight, Chandler!)
Traveling - preferably where water is, so I can splash someone!
Star Wars trilogy - no, the other one, fella!
Alex G - far more talented than her younger brother Alex H
Cameron Crowe movies - Say Anything..., Jerry Maguire, Almost Famous
The sign 'Free Wi-Fi'.
Reenacting dance/song scenes from "Grease" with my little girl (hey! Wait till you see my 'Summer Lovin'! - don't judge)
Die Hard - 40 stories of Sheer Adventure!
Alex Goot & Friends (his enemies aren't half as talented!)
Cooking up a nice dish and sitting in the entertainment area, on a cool night, basking in it's greatness.
Inflatable kids pools full of Vodka Lime Crush.
Acidic Email from angry, over passionate teenagers after I trash something "Twilight"-related on the site. Sparkle elsewhere.
My baby girl's big, caring heart.