By Brian Orndorf
Many films register as forgettable. â€œWhiteoutâ€ is practically the definition of the word, not actually requiring a viewing to sense a distinct worthlessness to this cinematic endeavor. Purportedly based on a beloved 1998 graphic novel, this Antarctic thriller is a dreadful sleeping pill, marching into production with the best intentions in the world, but coming out the other side a jumbled, incompetent, ludicrously underlined whodunit.
Stationed on a remote base on Antarctica, U.S. Marshall Carrie Stetko (Kate Beckinsale, failing to hide her embarrassment) is looking forward to her last days patrolling a frozen wasteland. Riding out her final moments of duty with friends (Ton Skerritt, Columbus Short), dreaming of a warmer future, Carrie is instead pulled into a last-minute murder investigation when a body is discovered out in the middle of nowhere. Finding clues that lead to the icy wreckage of an old Soviet cargo plane, Carrie, joined by U.N. operative Robert Pryce (Gabriel Macht), discovers a dangerous secret onboard. Looking to investigate further, Carrieâ€™s efforts are obstructed by a masked killer on her trail, prowling the base to prevent the curious cop from revealing whoâ€™s behind the now growing body count.
â€œWhiteoutâ€ lures director Dominic Sena back into daylight, returning to the big screen after an eight year drought that followed his work on the cheerfully demented tech-thriller, â€œSwordfish.â€ Sena, who long ago helmed the superb serial killer chiller â€œKalifornia,â€ always struck me as a practiced filmmaker blessed with some sense of the macabre. â€œWhiteoutâ€ reveals his artistic pipes have rusted shut during his absence, with the picture pure amateur hour, resembling a production slapped together by people unaware of how motion picture storytelling works. Shot over two years ago, â€œWhiteoutâ€ has seen its fair share of behind-the-scenes trouble, and itâ€™s unfortunate to find all the editorial reworking and plot redressing visible onscreen. And if there wasnâ€™t any forced rethinking of the film over the last two years, then Sena should never be allowed to direct again. Itâ€™s a hopeful assumption that this version of â€œWhiteoutâ€ debuting in theaters wasnâ€™t his initial intention for the material. Fingers crossed.
One of the many problems wearing down â€œWhiteoutâ€ is its maddening compulsion to repeating itself like an OCD patient, constantly reinforcing exposition or exaggerating basic body movement to keep everyone in the theater on the same page. Itâ€™s bad enough the actors are stifled with impossibly lousy Cro-Magnon dialogue to mutter while acting as though theyâ€™ve just stepped into a freezer (the â€œfake breathâ€ CG effect is so poorly timed here, it makes it look like everyone is constantly hyperventilating), but the film has them broadly emphasizing every move they make. Flashbacks factor heavily into the mix as well, popping up routinely to further clarify even the most trivial of details, also permitting Carrie a broken past as betrayed cop. Itâ€™s all embarrassingly finger-painted by Sena, who canâ€™t quite master a flow to the filmmaking that would benefit from the constant revisiting. It reduces â€œWhiteoutâ€ to a slapdash â€œCSI: Antarcticaâ€ episode, spending more time justifying the motions than actually enjoying the ride.
Itâ€™s hard to believe â€œWhiteoutâ€ was based on a celebrated comic book, seeing as how the central mystery isnâ€™t much of a mystery after all and the action is lethargic at best (Sena has lost whatever sense he had for spatial relationships). What the bad guys are ultimately after is a huge letdown, especially after the lengthy buildup and the very appearance of Dark Castle Entertainment as a producer. I suppose I was expecting somethingâ€¦spookier. Instead, itâ€™s a run-of-the-mill scam, handed pedestrian foreshadowing and awful red herrings to keep the audience guessing to the end. Trust me, whatever snowbound trouble you might imagine while watching the film is assuredly better than what the script invents.
Performances are stilted (the film is more interested in undressing Beckinsale than gifting her a nuanced character arc), locations reveal their discount greenscreen origins too easily, and a critical finger-amputation sequence is staged much too casually to take seriously. â€œWhiteoutâ€ is one bad idea after the next, somehow entrusting the stark, frigid Antarctic landscape to do most of the heavy lifting when it comes to a forbidding attitude. The script needed less repetition and more toe-tapping deception, though thereâ€™s never a compelling reason offered for this film to even exist in the first place.
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Against the Current - the band, not adventures in dangerous swimming 101
Zedd - If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy? (Well, answer my question!)
Arrow (Okay, Felicity from Arrow!)
Chrissy Costanza (cat eyes and buttery lyrics!)
Girls (TV) (Okay, Allison Williams!)
Movies - especially when they play in the dark.
Twin Peaks (TV)
Friends (TV) (It had me at "No way are you cool enough to pull Clint"; damn straight, Chandler!)
Traveling - preferably where water is, so I can splash someone!
Star Wars trilogy - no, the other one, fella!
Alex G - far more talented than her younger brother Alex H
Cameron Crowe movies - Say Anything..., Jerry Maguire, Almost Famous
The sign 'Free Wi-Fi'.
Reenacting dance/song scenes from "Grease" with my little girl (hey! Wait till you see my 'Summer Lovin'! - don't judge)
Die Hard - 40 stories of Sheer Adventure!
Alex Goot & Friends (his enemies aren't half as talented!)
Cooking up a nice dish and sitting in the entertainment area, on a cool night, basking in it's greatness.
Inflatable kids pools full of Vodka Lime Crush.
Acidic Email from angry, over passionate teenagers after I trash something "Twilight"-related on the site. Sparkle elsewhere.
My baby girl's big, caring heart.