Caffeinated Clint : Halloween


Happy Halloween,

Trick or Treat? (or should that be ‘Trick or TWEET?’ – after all, we all seem to be hooked up to that social networking program like Skywalker was to the hydration device at the start of Empire, don’t we? – – sad really; when I wanted to get a message to my mates when I was younger I had to go down to the phone-box and pop 20 cents in the slot. But I’ll be back in a sec… got to Tweet Jedifan41 a funny joke about Princess Leia’s buns).

Ok, Treat.

Suck on this.

As I sip away on my flat, stale beer (they tend to go that way after they’ve spent the last hour sitting on top of an entertainment unit while their bearer tries to get their Elmo-obsessed daughter to sleep; finally, I convinced my little one that the little red moppet had to leave our TV screens for the night because he was heading to Zoe’s swingers party, where Snuffleapaguss is apparently the main drawcard every Friday night) I itch to get a few things off my mind.

(Now, I said ‘off my mind’ not ‘off my head’ – if it were ‘my head’, I’d be yanking out these silver hairs (not surprisingly, I’ve seen even more of them up there of late) and thrusting forward so Holden’s ballsack slips. – get off, guy!)

But I digress, I want to have a bitch – it’ll be a quick bitch, but then most of you reading are probably only use to quick bitches anyway; they’re probably not going to want to spend any longer than 2 minutes in the sack with someone that loves coming up with a nifty Facebook status over refilling her engine with super – and regrettably, Megan Fox is nowhere in sight, thus acid-tongued comments will have to do.

10 Things that Irk Me…

1. People in the Wrong Job : People, like for instance film publicists, that seem to be able to walk into these high-flying positions of power without the know-how, knowledge or personal skills you’d think would be mandatory. Just today, one of the more straight-up, no-fuss, no-can-do publicists around (same one who kindly asked us if we can please give their films “at least 4 stars from now on”) surprised – or did she – the heck out of me when she responded to my “Did you hear Dennis Hopper has cancer?” to “Who!?”
Yeah, I just about blew a gasket!… and she could tell too. That phone call went more silent than the episode of Buffy where the creepy old mute Hume Cronyn’s invaded Sunnydale. Can you believe someone in film… working in the very same industry… didn’t know who Dennis Hopper was! He’s one of today’s greatest actors. But even if one put in a complaint, she wouldn’t be fired, so long as she can aptly blacklist, effectively dodge calls, polish a turd, and guzzle moscato she’s not going anywhere! (I told a couple of other publicists – wonderful publicists, mind you – about this later on, and they were shocked… but not surprised.)

2. “Transformers : Revenge of the Fallen”. Not only did it eat up more money at the box office than near any other film this year, but now we’re all out there buying it on DVD. Can I ask, why!? This thing blew worse than a toothy whore.. Suppose it did have some funny lines… but they were all on John Turturro’s chest!

3. No Body Box-Office. “Alvin and the Chipmunks : The Squeakel” gets a theatrical release downunder, but “Jennifer’s Body” doesn’t!? Obviously someone’s more into nuts than boobs… but fair go, ya know!? Speaking on behalf of most Aussies reading, our VHS copies of “Bound” are becoming as worn as Ernest Borgnine’s backside, and quite honestly, it was the only thing besides getting a free ticket to smooch the foxy neighbour on New Years Eve that we had to look forward to in December. We need our girl-on-girl cheesy-thrills delights! We need 50-foot legs! We need dialogue-too-good-for-such-a-film! If the distrib is afraid it’s not going to do well here, maybe they could reformat “Jennifer’s Body” into 3-D, plonk Adam Sandler’s face on the poster (his mug could be hiding under Megan Fox’s skirt), and summon up some Earl Dittman/Wireless Magazine quotes from somewhere – could work!? (No date on the “Jennifer’s Body” DVD release – presuming it’ll be early next year now that it’s bypassing theatres). Australia complained like a meat-eater at a salad bar when Roadshow announced plans to release “The Hurt Locker” straight-to-DVD, and look what happened? That flick is now getting a theatrical release! So start protesting soft-porn aficionados and you never know, Fox may reverse their decision to not put “Jennifer’s Body” on the big screen.

4. Remakes. Sorry, have I mentioned that already? Oh, flicking through my past columns, I see I have. Fuck it. Well, there’s nothing more that cheeses me off than… my mother-in-law, and after her, a goddamn studio exec who thinks it’ll be a marvellous idea to remake a classic that still stands up! Did I really just read that Leo and Matt are doing a “True Grit” remake? A couple of years ago such a story would’ve only run on April 1st! Fuckin’ disgraceful! Next : “Gone with the Wind” with Jennifer Garner and George Clooney?

5. Unutilised talent. That amount of good actors out there that aren’t getting work. I’m a sucker for a film from the 70s or 80s… you all know that… and most nights I’m happy to sit down and watch an old Burt Reynolds or Michael York flick than, whatever pap smear has turned up in the mailbox that week. And it seems every time I watch a movie that was made before say, 1990, I’m surprised by how many of the core cast are no longer working – or if they are working, it’s in Hallmark movies-of-the-week or in straight-to-video debris. Isn’t it time we dumped the untalentless few that seem to get all the work these days, and bring back some bonafide actors? I’m talking Geena Davis, Bill Hurt, Mare Winnginham, Andrew McCarthy, Stephen Geoffries, Andy Garcia, Kurt Russell, Tom Selleck, Shelley Long, Matthew Modine, Anthony Edwards, Linda Hamilton, Molly Ringwald, Bonnie Bedelia, Daniel Stern (good on Drew Barrymore for having the gonads to cast him in “Whip It”!), Annabella Sciorra, Treat Williams, Richard Masur… heck, even Macaulay Culkin has proved himself to be quite the young actor in recent years, yet some frizzy-haired moppet from “High School Musical” beats him at each and every audition. It ain’t about the performance, it’s about the perm, right?

6. Dodgy mobile phone stores. I was in a store this week buying a new smartphone. Whilst I was reading a flyer, the sales person answered a call from an angry customer whose phone had apparently been sent to the repair center to be fixed some weeks before. He had called to ask what was happening with it. “I’ll just go check the computer”, the couldn’t-be-bothered salesperson told the man. She then proceeded to walk over to a cabinet, pulled out a box of phones, and magically re-emerged with the man’s phone. The phone still had not been sent away. And who knows if the store even planned to do it. Whatever the case, they still lied to the man on the other end of the phone – and continued to do so. Oh, and before the woman put the phone back in the cupboard… she dropped it. “Oops”, she said. “Oh well, it’s going to be repaired – sometime – any way”. Good to know we’re doing business with reputable companies, hey!?

7. Actors beseeching work from webmasters. Actors that think that because I’m running the ‘’casting breakdowns” for a film on my website (as was the case with “Conan” this week, and as was the case with “Wonder Woman” a while back), that I’m the man that’s going to be the auditioning. “Hey, I have lots of acting talent, big boobs, and can scream loud – can I be in the Conan movie? Do you have an address to send photos?”. You bunch of Little Nicky’s! I’m a writer… publishing a story… I have no say in who gets whatever job I’ve referring to in an article. Find out the name of the producers’ mistress, White Page her, pick up the phone, call… and they’ll be able to get you a meeting (just follow up your request with “I’ll tell his wife”).

8. The “Saw” franchise. Maybe you should actually wait to see what the punters think of “Saw 6”, and how the film does at the box office, before greenlighting the next chapter? Because, um, this latest one made less than a closed Fish N’Chip shop on a Monday. And speaking of, who signed off on the final draft? Helen Keller? You’d likely find a better plot in a vacant cemetery! What balderdash! Good luck with the recently-announced “Saw 12”!

9. Being a film critic but no longer having the time to see movies. Now how exactly does that work? Ah, I recall the Spring of 1999 where I would say ‘yes’ to every media invite that came into my, er, hotmail account. The days of seeing Melissa Joan Hart and Ashley Judd pics back-to-back…. those were the days! My fault, I’ve since taken on so many different jobs I barely find the time to scratch, shave or salivate over Megan Fox (oh, did I mention “Jennifer’s Body” is going DTV here?).

10. Good Films Go Bad. Watching my latest film “Complacent” – if you’re in New York or Chicago please check it out! – slide down the charts, play only for grandmothers and crickets, and disappear from the cinemas quicker than a streaker, despite excellent reviews… whilst the shoddy “Stepfather” remake, and “All About Steve” (aargh!) pack ‘em in! And you wonder why I’ve just signed on to produce “The Final Destination 4D : Hannah Montana’s Bloody Couples Retreat”. (No, I’m actually a glutton for punishment – my next flick is actually a small, character-driven drama too.) But if we sell 5 million copies of “Complacent” on DVD and Blu-Ray I can assure you there will be more “Battlestar Galactica” movies.

Another drink for me, I think!