The Cynical Optimist : Transformers 3

Deadline Hollywood reports that filming on ”Transformers 3” will commence in May. The third installment in the popular Hasbro franchise is set for a July 1, 2011 release. ”Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”, the second film in the series, raked in over $400 million despite an extremely negative response from critics and fans alike.

With an overall rating of 20% from Rotten Tomatoes, ”Revenge of the Fallen” is considered a “noisy, underplotted, and overlong special effects extravaganza that lacks a human touch.” BINGO! That pretty much sums up the entire film in one well-structured sentence.

Here’s the problem: Michael Bay doesn’t give a shit if his next Transformers movie is good or not. Why should he? The second one was a messy, overblown disaster and it grossed $835 million worldwide! With that being said, I’ve been thinking of ways to make Transformers 3 a robot battle royale of epic proportions – something that will actually live up to the box office receipts it’s destined to make.

So, without further adieu, I’m giving Michael Bay a point-by-point recipe for making a superior Transformers film. Here we go:

Please, for the love of God and explosions and everything you hold sacred, get rid of the twins! Skidz and Mudflap were simply awful. Why did you introduce potentially cool new characters like Sideswipe and Arcee only to have them take a backseat to these two bumbling, offensive fools?

You call this humor? These guys make Jar Jar Binks look like Zach Galifianakis – and by that I mean hilarious and awesome. Speaking of humor, you should probably re-evaluate what “humor” is and try interjecting it into your next film, instead of annoying, offensive stereotypes and cliches. Please – no more humping.

LESS is MORE. Strip down the amount of subplots, as well as the robotic rosters on both sides of the battle. What good are 40 robotic characters when you don’t even introduce them properly or give them names. Hell, half the time you can barely tell who’s who because of your insanely spastic camera movements. It’s like a five-year-old with ADD is behind the camera.

Please God, lets narrow down the amount of human characters while we’re at it. Sam’s roommate was completely pointless and unnecessary – and honestly, I don’t need to see John Turturro in a jock strap or Mr. and Mrs. Witwicky slapping each other’s asses and munching on pot brownies.

I’ll go a step further, I’ve got some ideas for you – a couple of rosters you may want to follow in bringing this epic trilogy to a solid conclusion:

Autobots:

* Optimus Prime
* Ratchet
* Ironhide
* Bumblebee
* Sideswipe
* Arcee
* Wheel Jack
* Wheelie

Decepticons:

* Megatron
* Starscream
* Soundwave
* Laserbeak
* Rumble
* Skywarp
* Thundercracker
* Shockwave

Oh, here’s a suggestion – you’ll need something to one-up Devastator, so why not bring the Transformers’ own Death Star to the mix? Introduce Unicron as a threat to not only the Autobots and planet Earth, but the Deceptions as well.

Perhaps Starscream could split from Megatron and lead his own faction with Thundercracker and Skywarp by his side. Perhaps they seek out Unicron in order to take over the universe – you know, that old chestnut. Just keep it simple – one plot, please. Have all of the characters working toward the same resolution and thus, make the situation more grave and the stakes higher.

My final suggestion to you, give us more of what we want – character. Please don’t make the same mistake of having Bumblebee take a backseat to idiotic characters like Skidz and Mudflap. Take some time in letting us get to know the new characters – make them distinct and for God’s sake slow down the fuckin’ camera so we can enjoy the special effects spectacle in front of our eyes.