There are times when I’ve found myself standing alone in a sea of praise, screaming with arms stretched open “Am I only one who thinks this movie should be declared a cinematic crime?!” Which is why I’ve created the “Movies I Love to Hate” list! How anyone could adore these movies is a mystery to me, like Atlantis or the Bermuda Triangle.
Pirates of the Caribbean 2: There’s a firm and wise rule with any sequel or even trilogy and it goes a little something like this: make each movie as though there won’t be a next and give each film it’s own two legs to stand on. It makes for a better show and caters to the crowds that haven’t seen any of the installments. Pirates started in the middle of an eighth movie, threw up bloopers and added a dash of ridiculous action. (Please note: life size wooden hamster ball) The jokes were over played and almost identical to the first film, which made the references feel stale. Meanwhile, the plot went haywire all over the screen! The ending is laughable and barely comprehensible. It wasn’t a cliffhanger; instead, it felt like they just ran out of tape for the day and someone yelled, “That’s a wrap!”
It’s such a pity because I really got a kick out of the first and last. I hate this movie.
Carrie: This movie is supposed to be a classic, right? Classic what exactly? First, I’d really like to know what fucked up locker room DePalma entered one dark day in his adolescence to be able to create the beginning of this picture. Then there are the scenes with the mother, which are worse than nails on a chalkboard. (Turning down the volume is essential for these scenes) I really don’t understand the appeal here at all, this movie is so horribly overdone and not in a fun “Army of Darkness” way. (Don’t worry Sam Raimi, I’m getting to you later) Granted, she does knock that kid off his bicycle, that’s kinda amusing, but everything else needs to go.
I describe this movie as every Goth kid’s wet dream with a splash of some coked up drama teachers idea of a good time.
Ghost: How this movie got classified as being romantic is beyond me. This is a strange, deluded murder mystery flick and not a very good one at that. It has no heart behind it at all! The relationship between Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze isn’t even emphasized or established; in fact it only exists in the first three minutes of the movie.
The best damn thing about this film was Whoopi Goldberg being crazy entertaining. My favorite scene is when she screams and runs towards the closet.
Match Point: Woody Allen, how could you?! How could you settle for Scarlett Johansson. This flick would have been great, if only you would’ve cast someone with a shred of acting ability. What good is Jonathan Rhys delivering these great lines if they are met with blank stares! (And moving your eyebrow from time to time doesn’t pass as a performance) This movie is all about sexual tension and chemistry and she slaughtered it with her performance, which was stiff as a board and quite disappointing. (And I’ve been know to appreciate a great sexy female) She has nice lips; the only problem is she doesn’t know how to use them.
I hate that she killed this movie!
Field of Dreams: The Field of Nightmares would be a more appropriate title in my opinion. I want to make something very clear, Kevin Costner can’t act. The best thing I’ve seen him in is “JKF” (which requires no skill or personality) and “The Upside of Anger” (still not sure how he pulled this one off but it worked.) It has to be the love of baseball that keeps this audience going back for more. “Build it and they will come,” Alright, unknown creepy voice, are you the brother of the voice from “Frality?” Next thing you know, Costner will be beating a infamous baseball player with his bat and telling me God told him to do it. It would have played a little bit better if they would have made the setting a little bit more magical/mystical, but they didn’t.
Spiderman: CGI, CGI, wait, did I mention CGI? It’s all I can think about when someone mentions “Spiderman.” I don’t even think I could tell you the storyline I was so distracted by all of the computer animation.
Tobey Maguire didn’t help matters along either; he didn’t make for a very strong lead and his interaction with the rest of the characters came across as forced. The villain was awful, (it pained me to see William Dafoe reduced to such a role) and Kirsten Dunst was just there, being Kirsten Dunst. Nothing special, really.
All I have to say is Sam Raimi should take a hint from Bryan Singer and do it right.
Movies I’ve Watched This Week:
”Valentines Day”: Really disappointing. Nothing really happened, everyone had a happy ending, and a shitload of stars doesn’t automatically equal a great film.
That’s all you need to know if you haven’t already seen it.
I’d save your money and pass if I were you.