Caffeinated Clint : Looking for the next big horror remake?


With the new-but-no-so-improved Freddy Krueger flogging most of the theatre manager’s cabbage over the weekend (Platinum Dunes’ remake of “A Nightmare on Elm Street” pocketed a sumly $30 million – yes kids, that’s near about as much as an ‘Oscars’ goodie bag costs!) we can probably expect to see a few more cinematic hoovers taken to some other dusty horror characters in the coming months.

Question is, are there any old-school movie monsters left to relaunch? With Jason, Michael, Leatherface, and now Freddy (‘Chucky’ is also undergoing a remodel though I hear the “Child’s Play” remake has been put on pause due to legal reasons for the time being) getting the Dr 9010 treatment in recent years, producers will be leaving their Leonard Maltin’s TV and Movie Guide’s dog-eared and then some, as they search for old rogues that haven’t reared their head in some time. There aren’t many left. Will said producers have to resort to borrowing real-life horror figures, like Robert Blake and O.J Simpson, for their tentpole scarefests?

Maybe not. With the understanding that most of these cats remaking horror movies are, well, rather lazy (though much love to Rob Zombie and my mate Patrick Lussier for doing something ‘new’ with their “Halloween” and “My Bloody Valentine” remakes, respectively) I’ve put together a list of horror icons that, quite possibly, they’ve forgotten all about. Make your bids, gentlemen!

Leprechaun : Former ‘Ewok’ Warwick Davis was able to pay for a dozen more pairs of those custom-made shoes when he was signed to play the pint-sized gold-beseeching madman in a series of “Leprechaun” flicks. Warwick is still young and sprightly enough to reprise the character, but knowing how Hollywood thinks (“Oh, he’s like sooo 1988”), they’ll likely want a new face to, er, hide under all that make-up. How about Peter Dinklage? Shit, he did the “Death at a Funeral” remake (!) don’t sound like he’s too fussy? (Shit, producers might even be able to coax Jennifer Aniston – who was the female lead of the first “Leprechaun” – back for a cameo? She doesn’t seem to be doing much but making audiences wince these days).

Edgar: When Lenny Von Dohlen decided to cave in and join the technology race in 1984’s “Electric Dreams” little did he know he’d be opening up his house and heart to both an electricity-sucker and a jealous fucking maniac that couldn’t stand it when his masters fingers weren’t touching his base. Yep, poor sod bought a computer. There’s a way to make Edgar much, much scarier and far more threatening in a remake…. have a PC equipped with Windows Vista play him!

Samantha: You’ve remade all my other favourite horror movies, Hollywood… you might as well just shatter my youth by xeroxing the rest….so, why hasn’t “Deadly Friend” been done yet? Truth is, they are actually doing it – I’ve just been waiting for the opportunity to report it. “Deadly Friend” 2.0 is in the works – writers are toying with the concept now, producers are racking their brains trying to think who’d be an ideal proxy for Kristy Swanson (Hmmm… pretty robot girl… Kristen Stewart!?) and Warner Bros are likely hoping their “Re-Animator”-esque horror redo lends itself to a shitty 3D overlay. Maybe just the fact that I’ve now mentioned it will see WB place some hot coals under the remake’s slow moving carcass (it’s been in development for a while) – friend in a tug-of-war competition with me once said I had some pull.

The Puppet Master : Hopefully those behind the upcoming Frank Oz biopic aren’t considering a name change. The Charles Band-written 1989 flick fixed on psychics who are plotted against by a former colleague, using puppets animated by an Egyptian spell. Band has expressed interest in remaking the film, and even has some good ideas – which pretty much guarantees he’ll be left out of any remake plan. Anyone could basically play “The Puppet Master”, so maybe it’s time you horror hacks started chasing a big-gun for one of these parts? Imagine how many more bums on seats you’d have if say, George Clooney or Russell Crowe lent their mugs to the movie?

Angela Franklin : She, as my fellow thirty-something’s will recall, was the supernatural bitch at the center of the “Night of the Demons” flicks. A cross-between Freddy Krueger (she has a burnt face) and Salma Hayek in “From Dusk til Dawn” (she dances seductively; wears a pretty black dress), Franklin kills her victims if they enter the ‘Hull House’. What they could do is they could add a contemporary twist to the “Night of the Demons” series by instead of having Angela guard the ‘Hull’ house it could be the ‘Mull’ house – she could be a hired horror for actor Martin Mull, who just wants to live his life peacefully, away from the legions of “Roseanne” and “Mr Mom” fans. Surely there’s a young hottie out there who doesn’t mind getting a bit of icky and sticky stuff on her face – aside from Lindsay Lohan? (Update : Someone informed me that “Night of the Demons” has just been remade! SEE! These ideas are so gold people are taking the Delorean back to ’08 and making these puppies!)

Ben Willis : My buddy and producing partner Muse Watson previously played the role of Willis, a fisherman who takes pride in slaughtering the former stars of the WB, in the first two “I Know What You Did Last Summer” movies. Considering Sony felt the urge to replace Watson in the third “I Know” film, despite it not turning out so darn hot, it’s safe to say they won’t be swallowing their pride by rehiring Watson (now on “N.C.I.S”) for a remake. If his role in “Piranha 3D” is anything to go by, Richard Dreyfuss seems quite keen on satirizing his “Jaws” character – wouldn’t he not make the perfect ‘killer fisherman’? Could you not see a hooded Matt Hooper pounding his hook into the chest of a “Twilight” cast member? Sony already sees dollar signs, I bet.

No thanks necessary.