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The Cynical Optimist : An Open Letter to Peter Vincent

The Cynical Optimist : An Open Letter to Peter Vincent

Dear Peter Vincent,

I’m sure you remember the time you told a young Charley Brewster, “Apparently your generation doesn’t want to see vampire killers anymore, nor vampires either. All they want to see are slashers running around in ski masks, hacking up young virgins.”

In 1985, that statement was gospel. The monsters of old – the vampires and werewolves and mad scientists – were replaced with slashers like Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers.

In the ’90s, those classic monsters were dusted off and re-packaged in big budget Hollywood films like Francis Ford Coppola’s Dracula and Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. Films like Interview with the Vampire kept Gothic horror alive after audiences grew tired of being bombarded with slasher films.

In 2010, however, the current generation is absolutely obsessed with vampire killers and vampires – and yet, I wonder if you would be thrilled by that fact, or disgusted. A show like ”Fright Night” would probably get lost in the mix between ”Buffy the Vampire Slayer”, ”True Blood”, ”Twilight”, ”Vampire Diaries”, ”The Gates”, ”Let The Right One In”, ”30 Days of Night” — I could literally go on for pages just listing films and television shows about vampires, Mr. Vincent.

I suppose in the late ’90s and early 2000s there was a Zombie boom – films like ”28 Days Later” and Zack Snyder’s remake of ”Dawn of the Dead” paved the way for new films about the undead, but this whole vampire craze is getting out of hand. In fact, it’s about time a vampire killer (such as yourself) came to save us from this plague upon pop culture.

Mr. Vincent, If you receive this letter, please take my offer into serious consideration. These new guys – the Edwards and Damons of this world – are nothing compared to Jerry Dandridge. They should be of little challenge, then again, they don’t exhibit the characteristics of the vampire you’ve come to know and hunt and slay.

These vampires walk in sunlight, in fact, their skin sparkles. They’re unmoved by garlic or a crucifix – they often cast shadows and mirrors catch their reflection, which makes them rather hard to track down. Some of them don’t even hunt humans or drink blood – and yet there is a generation fascinated with these watered-down pathetic creatures.

I’ve got a $500 bank bond I would gladly give you in exchange for your services. Please, Mr. Vincent, I’m begging you…

Adam

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