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I’m too old for this reboot bullshit!

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Update! : Received an email from someone at Warner Bros who, “claims to be a long time fan of Moviehole” but wants to point out that “the reboot mightn’t necessarily be a remake… Martin and Roger had kids, remember?” Yeah, Okay, that I could live with… but I sure as an algebra solution won’t be jumping on hoops to see it (Did Warner get this idea from “Looney Tunes: Back in Action””? Remember the film poster on the wall near the film’s beginning? Yup, “Lethal Weapon Babies”) and, just quietly, will be quietly rooting for it to fail. Just sayin’.

“I’m too old for this shit”. My sentiments indeed Mr Martaugh.

I’ve been writing professionally about film for over a decade now and in that time I’ve witnessed the ups highs, downs and get fucked’s off the industry. Unfortunately, like a commodore with sticky gears, it’s that last stage that cinema seems to be stuck in at the moment.

As Jim Cameron says, “Hollywood is it’s worst enemy”. He was wrong about Sam Worthington’s ability to do accents, but he’s sure as heck on the money when it comes to the industry’s effortless ability to poison itself.

Tinseltown just fired a round from it’s 9mm beretta into the guts of the Hollywoodland architects…. and us, the movie lover.

Hot on the heels of the head-spinning, pea throw-up that was the ”Nightmare on Elm Street” remake, not to mention the umpteen other remakes that have been pushed upon audiences like a fat girl on a tram, comes “Lethal Weapon” – rebooted.

(I hate that word ‘reboot’… isn’t that something an abusive stepfather does? second thrashing?)

Yes, reboot. “Lethal Weapon”.

Anyone else feel like reenacting that scene from ”Lethal Weapon 2” with the nail gun? I’ll see if Joel Silver can hold still long enough so it properly penetrates the skin.

Silver’s been abusing the “Lethal Weapon” franchise for years now, at one stage even leading it’s poppa Richard Donner (director of all four “Lethal Weapon” movies and a big ingredient in the cocktail’s success) out of anything Martin and Rog. You see Silver – initiator of that oh so beautiful “House of Wax” reboot from a few years back (Vincent Price died all over again after that) – has been hoping to continue this series for years, even hiring Shane Black to write a treatment for a fifth as recently as 2009. Black’s attachment was cool (he did, after all, write the first “Lethal Weapon”) but Donner’s snubbing was awful. Thankfully for some (namely, the ‘Donner family’), the fifth “Lethal” film didn’t happen, because Mel Gibson had better things to do than at the time than waddle around a caravan in the buff – now though, probably a different story.

Now, seemingly as uninterested in working with Gibson as much as the next Jew, Silver is pushing forward with a new ”Lethal Weapon” movie – not a fifth, but a complete ‘let’s do it for the kids!’ overhaul. Yep, without Mary Ellen Trainor. And the station wagon. And the electric guitar riff that greets every scene.

According to Deadline, “Lethal Weapon” will be written by Will Beale, a newbie who has bowled over WB with his gangster yarn “Gangster Squad”. The site says Beale’s pitch encompassed “a take that maintains the tone of the original–a hard R-rated edgy street cop movie”.

Yeah, Okay, great – hard-R… edgy.. but “Lethal Weapon” had more going for it than violence and naked chicks falling from skyscrapers, ya know!? For one : It has Giblover. Yes, Giblover.

I never thought I’d see the day… Oh yeah, I guess I did. Nothing surprises me anymore about Hollywood. It’s as fake as Pammy’s bust and, now more than ever, more about money than merit. Nothing is sacred. You watch, within the next 18 months your favourite film will be remade – be it ”Grease”, ”The Godfather” or ”Doctor Detroit” (At least Disney has a little respect for the filmgoer, sequelizing, rather than remaking, the 25-year-old “TRON”).

“Lethal Weapon” is one of my favourites. I think I should read the sermon. Or maybe I’m too gutted? It’s hard seeing something so beloved lowered into the pits of hell. Oh man… Kleenex are going to love this…

I remember seeing the 1987 original for the first time on it’s release in at an open air cinema on the coast. Was part of a double feature, I believe, with “Witches of Eastwick”. Warner Bros had a good run that year. But yeah, what a film – Busey’s sick-ass villain Mr. Joshua, Gibson and Glover the mismatched coppers, Black’s tight, terrific and tension-filled script, and, of course, Richard Donner’s Supermodel-Perfect direction. I just love that movie.

“Lethal Weapon 2″ was an even more memorable experience – namely because the first session I attempted to get into was sold out! I think it was a Sunday afternoon, too! Amazing, right? But this – and Tim Burton’s “Batman” – were the two must-see Summer blockbusters of that particular time period. “Lethal 2″ is undoubtedly one of the best and baddest sequels of all time – even more so than “Centre Stage 2 : Turn it Up”… I shit you not! Riding high on the chemistry of it’s leads, “Lethal 2″ gushed with delicious dialogue, over-the-top action, and some of the nastiest foes the WB family has doused audiences in since the Cagney days – – the fuckin’ South African maggots, played with delicious devilishness by Joss Ackland and Derick O’Connor.

Look, “Lethal Weapon 3″ and “Lethal Weapon 4″ were watered down, more laff-centric versions of the first two films, but they still had ‘something’ – namely, the unmistakable chemistry of Gibson and Glover; one of the greatest duo’s in cinema history.

As I wipe the spit from my monitor, let me leave you with this thought : Ashton Kutcher as Martin Riggs.

So what say you folks? as excited as a “Lethal Weapon” reboot as I am? Or rather eat Roger’s wife’s cooking?

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About Caffeinated Clint

The writer/publicist/producer who wears the editor hat on Moviehole. Favorite films include "Say Anything...", "The Hunt for Red October", "Jerry Maguire", "Almost Famous", "Die Hard", "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo", "Young Guns", "American Psycho", "Back to the Future" and the "Star Wars" series.
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