Last week we reported that horror vet Joel Soisson (“Pulse”, “Children of the Corn : The Dweller”) had been tapped to rewrite the script for “Piranha 3DD”, Dimension’s follow-up to the successful and surprisingly decent reboot of the ol’ Roger Corman classic.
Bloody Disgusting reported yesterday on the general plot of the John Gulager directed sequel : “The sequel continues down the path of “ridiculous” as the piranha this time make their way into swimming pools, pipes, plumping and such at a newly opened waterpark named “Wilderness Waters”! The race is on to save the town from these flesh-eating creatures that are leaving a bloodbath in their wake.”
And now, we’ve got our hands on a character list. Now I’m not going to reveal any of the kills, nor am I going to be detailing how fabulously written they are (lots of fun!), but I will tell you who you’ll be rooting for/against come November.
Here are the spunky heroes and main meals of the killer fish :
Intelligent, thin kid with a super-smart IQ and a knack for ‘hacking’ – but instead of working for a Microsoft or the government he’s he’s using his skills to spear garbage at the water park. Oh, Barry seems to harbor a secret crush for co-worker and local good girl Maddy; together, they set out to thwart the fish.
The ‘Elisabeth Shue’ of the picture, if you will. Smart marine biology student, working with her father Chet (also the boss) at the park. Was supposed to be away doing a summer internship so she could get into grad school but has returned – much to the abhorrence of the local kids who think she’s a bitch (i.e. she’s a threat because she’s smart) – at the request of her abusive redneck father who said he needed help running operations. Naturally, being so smart and remaining fully-clothed, Maddy’s the one who discovers Piranha’s have entered the park; Pop, of course, doesn’t want to know about that – killer fish are bad for business.
Ashley & Shelby
Sisters – one a tart, the other a wannabe tart.
Ashley’s the ‘dude magnet’ who is use to getting her way; Shelby, her sister, is the quiet, smarter one. Naturally, Shelby wishes she were more like her popular sister.
Ashley’s all bitch, it seems. She’s getting frisky in a van with boyfriend Travis when she decides to slap some handcuffs on him. The van starts to move… next thing ya know they’re in the water. Unable to find the keys to the cuffs Ashley leaves Travis behind in the water… with the fish. Nice.
Shelby has a thing for local guy Andy and vice versa – ultimately she tricks him into deflowering her. After all, nobody likes a virgin, right?
Local copper. Bit of a sleaze. Use to date Maddy. He thinks she’s just going to drop her duds and let him back in again now that she’s returned to town. Nope, she knows better now.
Oh, and is there a connection to the first “Piranha”? Well, kinda…. The tragic events at Lake Victoria can be seen on the Television news playing in the background. In other words, doubtful that any of the original cast – Shue, Adam Scott, Christopher Lloyd etc – will be back; there are, however, some cameos written into the script that should fulfill the famous faces quota usually required for studio fare like this.
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Against the Current - the band, not adventures in dangerous swimming 101
Zedd - If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy? (Well, answer my question!)
Arrow (Okay, Felicity from Arrow!)
Chrissy Costanza (cat eyes and buttery lyrics!)
Girls (TV) (Okay, Allison Williams!)
Movies - especially when they play in the dark.
Twin Peaks (TV)
Friends (TV) (It had me at "No way are you cool enough to pull Clint"; damn straight, Chandler!)
Traveling - preferably where water is, so I can splash someone!
Star Wars trilogy - no, the other one, fella!
Alex G - far more talented than her younger brother Alex H
Cameron Crowe movies - Say Anything..., Jerry Maguire, Almost Famous
The sign 'Free Wi-Fi'.
Reenacting dance/song scenes from "Grease" with my little girl (hey! Wait till you see my 'Summer Lovin'! - don't judge)
Die Hard - 40 stories of Sheer Adventure!
Alex Goot & Friends (his enemies aren't half as talented!)
Cooking up a nice dish and sitting in the entertainment area, on a cool night, basking in it's greatness.
Inflatable kids pools full of Vodka Lime Crush.
Acidic Email from angry, over passionate teenagers after I trash something "Twilight"-related on the site. Sparkle elsewhere.
My baby girl's big, caring heart.