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The Cynical Optimist : Star Wars is Dead!

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George Lucas and his constant tinkering has finally crossed the goddamn line with this ”Star Wars” fan. I’ve found myself apologizing and making excuses for Lucas and his “Special Editions” for 14 years now – from the ’97 theatrical releases to the 2004 DVD release — and let’s not even get into that 2006 release of the unaltered non-remastered, non-anamorphic versions (which was essentially a slap in the face to fans begging for the original films).

I cannot, however, make any more excuses for Lucas’ complete lunacy. Originally spotted on MillenniumFalcon.com and TheForce.net, a recent leak of the Original Trilogy Blu-ray collection has revealed further tampering with my most beloved film series.

There’s lots of little tweaks and changes: Han unthawing from Carbonite got a graphical update and now the Ewoks have digitized eyes that blink (creepy and completely unnecessary). And yet, that shitty looking Jabba the Hutt from “A New Hope” and the godawful dance sequence from “Return of the Jedi” haven’t changed since ’97 – go fuckin’ figure.

These two alterations, however, one in “A New Hope” and the other in “Return of the Jedi,” are pretty goddamn dreadful. The latter is without a doubt the most offensive and stupefying one, as it completely ruins the climax of the saga. In the original version, Darth Vader returns to the light side when he sees the Emperor trying to kill his son, Luke Skywalker.

Vader silently lifts Emperor Palpatine and chucks him down a ventilation shaft. As you can see in the clip above, Vader now audibly lets everyone know how pissed off he is about his son getting electrocuted. His scream of “NoOoOoOoO!” is just as irritating as it was in “Revenge of the Sith.”

Simon Pegg (“Shaun of the Dead,” “Paul”) took to Twitter to comment on the recent changes. He too, like me, is particularly upset about the change to Vader’s redemption, tweeting, “Always loved Vader’s wordless self-sacrifice. Another shitty, clueless revision like Greedo and young Anakin’s ghost. What a fucking shame.”

Here’s the other puzzling change, the “Krayt Dragon Call” that scares away the Sand People has been changed yet again and sounds like some fucking drunk frat guy yelling at girls from a frat house porch somewhere.

All I have to say is, I’m officially hangin’ up the fandom on this one. ”Star Wars” is dead, and I’m not going to spend any more time or money on this fucking bullshit. This makes me want to sell everything I’ve ever bought, and as sad as it is to say – I’m not going to bother trying to introduce my nephews or any other theoretical unborn children to it, because the Star Wars I grew up with is gone and it’s never coming back. I mean, how do you explain this?

“Well, you see, Star Wars used to be fucking awesome back in 1977 but now Jar Jar Binks does cartwheels in the Mos Eisley Cantina while Greedo shoots first. You’ll just have to take my word for it, but it used to be great.”

To illustrate just how completely inane these changes are, check this out:

 

OK, so, apparently, George decided that R2-D2 wasn’t hidden enough in this cave, so he added some more rocks. What he and his staff neglected to do, however, was keep this unnecessary change consistent throughout the scene. When Kenobi introduces himself and says “Come here my little friend,” here’s the shot we get:

What. The. Fuck. Seriously? Where are those rocks? How did he even get in there in the first place? How did he get out? Maybe he fuckin’ flew out using his bullshit rocket thrusters? It’s bad enough that it’s a completely unnecessary addition (with so many things that could have used fixing, like lightsabers for example) but it’s even worse that it’s half-assed and doesn’t even make sense given the content of the scene.

If I ever feel inclined to watch ”Star Wars” again, I believe I’ll stick with Adywan’s ”Star Wars: Revisited” fan edits. It’s kind of ridiculous that a fan is able to make a better version of Star Wars than LucasFilm, who supposedly spent 7 years working on this Blu-Ray set…

But I suppose they succeeded in making the ”Star Wars Saga” more consistent throughout, as the Original Trilogy is now just as shitty as the Prequel Trilogy.

/nerd rage rant over.

Some of us here at the ‘Hole are more interested in when the following will be available when this one will be on BD!

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Author: Adam Frazier
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