If the new ”Footloose” is any indication, Hollywood might just be smartening up to the fact that if they’re going to be remaking the movie classics of our times then they have to at least go one step further than pulling some Kodak through a camera and throwing some photo-happy convention-circuit regular twenty-bucks to don a latex suit, they might actually have to work to win over the audience.
But, of course, they’re not all going to listen and pretty soon we’ll be inundated with another swarm of movie remakes that’ll make you want to throw a burning match into the eject tray of the DVD player.
None of the remakes below have been announced or even rumoured (as far as I know…) but I think it’s pretty safe to say we’re only a few months away from some exciting announcements pertaining to a say, “Kindergarten Cop” or “Good Morning Vietnam” do-over. So let’s imagine, just for a moment, what some of the next remakes to be announced might be and furthermore, what major box-office drawcards might be involved…
Back to the Future
Why? It’s one of the biggest brands over at Universal and at the moment, besides the video games, there’s nothing happening with it (because the shockingly sensible Bob Zemeckis, Neil Canton, Bob Gale and, er, Thomas F. Wilson refuse to champion a “Back to the Future 4”); it’s only a matter of time before Universal and executive producer Steven Spielberg (who will gladly accept any monetary donation to keep Dreamworks afloat at this stage so there’ll be no arm-twisting needed here) send out a press-release announcing some “reimagining” of the classic film.
Directed by Justin Lin (as part of his 16-picture-deal with Universal)
Why? It’s clear that with both remakes of “Dirty Dancing” and “Point Break” announced within a month of each other that Hollywood has no respect for the dead. That ‘other’ Patrick Swayze hit is bound to be remade within the next couple of years. Can’t wait to see those little CGI black demons… not.
Directed by Tony Goldwyn (It was either that or have him piss and whine about not being offered a cameo to the media)
I Know What You Did Last Summer
Why? Of course the failure of “Scream 4” isn’t going to put Hollywood off of rebooting that other dreadfully popular late ’90s horror franchise. Only this time, of course, the filmmaker will claim it closer to the source material (a series of dot points on a restaurant napkin) than the original three movies. Expect lots of boob jokes. And 3D. And 3D Boob jokes.
Directed by : Nelson McCormick (cos he begged for the job)
Why? Spielberg feels it’s a nice trade – cash to keep his financially-strapped Dreamworks going in exchange for Uni’s raping of one of the ’70s best films. They’ll worry about a script later, firstly… they’ll get to work on the 3D tests and gratuitous cameos. Some hack will be called in to rip John Williams’ s classic theme down to an mp3, run it through a synthesizer, slow it up, add a couple of extra high notes around the middle and overlay it with splashing sounds.
Directed by : Renny Harlin (Ask Geena, he’s actually the one that likes to get wet)
Why? As well-known a brand-name as Dr Pepper. After a few more Emmett/Furla straight-to-DVD duds Bruce Willis is going to be dry-humping the studio’s leg to play the grizzled copper come daycare teacher. Little kid to Teacher : “Mr Kimble, why is that young man in the car park touching Mrs McClane’s legs? And why does he have so much hair on his face? Did he take it all from your head?”
Directed by : Ivan Reitman (Something to do while “Ghostbusters 3” warms up)
Weekend at Bernie’s
Why? Because, for some stupid reason Hollywood remembers the independent comedy as being some out-and-out classic piece of entertainment – only it’s forgotten that it was also one of the worst reviewed films of the year and produced a sequel so shitty it tarnished the name of the original like Zsa Zsa’s post-slap. Still, Nick Nolte needs the work and he won’t have to do much than keep the sunglasses on.
Directed by : Frank Coraci
Good Morning Vietnam
Why? Because there will come a time when Hollywood will trigger to the fact that there’s some untarnished gold in the back catalogue of Mr Robin Williams’ career. Once they remake “Cadillac Mac” with Kevin Spacey, and get that long-awaited “Dead Poet’s Society” redo up with the help of actor/director Edward Burns, Barry Levinson’s 1987 smash will undoubtedly get the remake treatment. It’ll be absolutely fabulous seeing Russell Brand play a big-time British D.J who is sent to Vietnam to entertain the boys, no? (Even better to hear Nickleback’s ‘What a Wonderful World’ over the end credits)
Directed by : Joe Cornish
Why? Unable to coax Paul Hogan back into wearing the croc-toothed hat again (they apparently left him a message on Noelene’s answering machine. “That’s good enough, right?”), Paramount greases the wheels on a much-anticipated remake of the 1986 blockbuster. Dedicated to the memory of Linda Kozlowski’s acting career, the new film’s secret weapon will be a grizzled, croc-wrestling Hugh Jackman. The action sequences in New York City will apparently be a little ambitious – Dundee scaling budies, using a makeshift rope to swing from the Brooklyn Bridge down to the fish markets below, and inadvertently helping a couple of “odd-lookin’ but nice-enough fellas” land their airplane into the window a high-rise building.
Directed by : George Miller (“Mad Max Fury Road” pushed back another two years due to an ingrown toenail on a crewmember’s foot…)
Why? Disney are on such a great wicket with Marvel superhero movies by 2013 that they decide it can’t help to pull a few of their own caped wonders out of the mothballs. Original ‘Condorman’ Michael Crawford will down talk the remake in interviews (“and that bloody computer-generated suit that lights up like a bloomin’ Christmas tree!? preposterous!”)…. not that anyone will see or hear them. Good to see Bradley Cooper finally caved in and agreed to play a superhero.
Directed by : Mark Steven Johnston (He got ousted from the Marvel clan after “Ghost Rider” but Disney are still willing to give him a shot if he’s happy to work for a take-home crate of bouncing tiggers)
Why? What was once the most-talked about movie of the year can again be. “Only get this, it’s not the woman that boils the bunny this time… it’s the man, and it’s no bunny, it’s the family poodle!”
Directed by : Paul Verhoeven
Turner & Hooch
Why? Dogs. Laughs. Tears. Marley. Eddie.
Directed by : Brett Ratner (After their flick “Tower Heist” and their collaboration on the 2012 Oscars, Ratner and Eddie Murphy decide to ditch their plans for a fourth “Beverly Hills Cop” and instead do a “can’t mother-fuckin’ lose!” remake of a Tom Hanks classic)P
Big Trouble in Little China
Why? After the success of that other John Carpenter remake (“The Thing”), someone thinks it a good idea to do a reboot/prequel to another of the filmmaker’s classics. This one, like “The Thing”, will tell of how ‘The Lords of Death’ (the gang that kidnap) formed, exploring each member’s reasons for enlisting with such an immoral outfit. Last scene of this film will lead to the first scene of the 1986 picture. The slightly-scary Kim Cattrall, who played Grace in the original, will return as a different character – Lo Pan.
Directed by : Matthijs van Heijningen
The King’s Speech
Why? Because, according to Harvey Weinstein in an upcoming edition of Variety, “Nobody over here could fucking understand what the British guy and the Aussie guy were even saying! Great movie, but we had a mound of rejection letters to write to Kevin Smith at the time and with paper as costly as it is we just couldn’t afford the subtitles that were so badly needed for King’s Speaking – – sorry? it’s called.. what!?”.
Directed by : Wes Craven (Only way the Weinstein’s could get him to do a Scream 5 was to throw him a bone – something with meat on it)
Superman : The Motion Picture
Why? With audiences demanding ‘more character and romance’ from Zack Snyder’s “Man of Steel” and as a consequence, the film taking a dive at the box office, Warner Bros decides to give it another try. This attempt, a shot-for-shot remake of the original Richard Donner film (and featuring cameos from the original cast), will conduct an extensive casting call for the role of the Man of Steel with the requirements be that the actor embody the traits of your “classic American movie idol with dashing good looks, a charming manner of speak, and the ability to effortlessly play dual roles”. Naturally, they end up with Sam Worthington.
Directed by : Louis Letterier