By Clint Morris
Jean-Claude Van Damme is still trapped in the Snakes and ladders grid it seems.
And with “Dragon Eyes”, he slips back a couple of places. Again.
Just when things looked like they were looking up for the fallen action star, what with the very pleasing “Universal Soldier Regeneration” and the showy “Expendables 2″ bad guy role, along comes another cheap chop-suey bore to remind us just how long ago 1994 and Planet Hollywood opening nights was.
Don’t be fooled by the Joel Silver credit on the back cover; the producer of such action blockbusters as “Lethal Weapon” and “Matrix” was merely holding the funnel that transferred cash into this pup (and judging by the locales, film stock and stunt work, the funnel didn’t catch much money).
One of many new efforts from Silver and Courtney Solomon’s After Dark Action label, “Dragon Eyes” is – as I imagine the rest of the films coming from the shingle are or will be – just an exercise to see how much money can be made from something put together faster and cheaper than an Asian bargain store ‘transformers’ toy knock off.
A poor man’s ”Yojimbo”, “Dragon Eyes” is – luckily for Van Damme, I guess – more of a Cung Le vehicle. He’s the lone hero out to get revenge, using his quick-moving legs to bring down a town of trash. Van Damme pops up as a mentor type – its a turn that screams “you pay cash? I take it!”.
Martial arts aficionados might be interested in studying the flexibility and fastidious of Mr Le, or to admire the ageing Van Damme’s ability to still lift a leg, but nothing in here for anyone outside of the martial-arts weekly newsletter list.
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Against the Current - the band, not adventures in dangerous swimming 101
Zedd - If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy? (Well, answer my question!)
Arrow (Okay, Felicity from Arrow!)
Chrissy Costanza (cat eyes and buttery lyrics!)
Girls (TV) (Okay, Allison Williams!)
Movies - especially when they play in the dark.
Twin Peaks (TV)
Friends (TV) (It had me at "No way are you cool enough to pull Clint"; damn straight, Chandler!)
Traveling - preferably where water is, so I can splash someone!
Star Wars trilogy - no, the other one, fella!
Alex G - far more talented than her younger brother Alex H
Cameron Crowe movies - Say Anything..., Jerry Maguire, Almost Famous
The sign 'Free Wi-Fi'.
Reenacting dance/song scenes from "Grease" with my little girl (hey! Wait till you see my 'Summer Lovin'! - don't judge)
Die Hard - 40 stories of Sheer Adventure!
Alex Goot & Friends (his enemies aren't half as talented!)
Cooking up a nice dish and sitting in the entertainment area, on a cool night, basking in it's greatness.
Inflatable kids pools full of Vodka Lime Crush.
Acidic Email from angry, over passionate teenagers after I trash something "Twilight"-related on the site. Sparkle elsewhere.
My baby girl's big, caring heart.