Assassin’s Bullet

Caffeinated Clint

Clint is the creator, editor and maintainer of Moviehole.

Remember that shrill, detestable show-off in school that would do anything to garner the attention of his fellow students and teachers?

No, not me. That other shit.

Well, anyway, if he was a flick, he’d be “Assassins Bullet”, a cheap blockbuster wannabe that’s loud, confident and quite frankly, without much direction.

This is one whose education ends here.

Filmed and set in Eastern Europe, where the dollar gets you more and terrorists run amok (according to Blockbuster Video’s action aisle), “Assassin’s Bullet” fixes on a former FBI field agent cum teacher (Christian Slater, still not looking much over 30) who is is recruited by the U.S ambassador (Donald Sutherland in a costly cameo) to discover the identity of a Le Femme Nikita-type (Elika Portnoy) who has begun popping off high-priority terrorists.

Knowing there’s not a lot else on offer besides a couple of one-time big name stars (who these days are seemingly willing and able to appear in any substandard bit of DVD fluff) vomiting big words about international terrorism scenarios, director attempts to veil his small budget and relatively hackneyed plot with lots of visual transitions, lingering shots of skin, B-roll footage of some lavish locales and lots of close-ups of Slater and Sutherland. But like that kid in the classroom, you’re not so much as impressed as you are bewildered.. why two talented actors would consider something like this worth their time? Oh, that’s right… ‘ca ching’!

Much of the blame lies with Elika Portnoy, who not only has the lead role, but fashioned the script to suit herself. It’s a habit of hers apparently. But all the power to her. If nobody’s gonna hire you, you hire yourself.

Portnoy’s a better actress than she is of plot conception, but that’s not saying much. And when surrounded by Slater, who is decent in anything he does (even these bargain basement releases), it’s clear she’s a few acting lessons shy of a Yankee film offer.

Issac Florentine, the filmmaker best known for directing the prison-set martial arts flicks bearing the words “Undisputed”, is merely a gun for hire it seems here. The better moments in the movie are, needless to say, the action sequences – or which there are a couple of OK ones – but not even Florentine’s well-managed moments of boom and bang can do anything to scrub the boring baloney sap off the lens.

Extras : (Unpreviewed)

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About Caffeinated Clint

Clint is the creator, editor and maintainer of Moviehole.

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Against the Current - the band, not adventures in dangerous swimming 101
Zedd - If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy? (Well, answer my question!)
Arrow (Okay, Felicity from Arrow!)
Chrissy Costanza (cat eyes and buttery lyrics!)
Girls (TV) (Okay, Allison Williams!)
Movies - especially when they play in the dark.
Twin Peaks (TV)
Friends (TV) (It had me at "No way are you cool enough to pull Clint"; damn straight, Chandler!)
Traveling - preferably where water is, so I can splash someone!
Star Wars trilogy - no, the other one, fella!
Alex G - far more talented than her younger brother Alex H
Cameron Crowe movies - Say Anything..., Jerry Maguire, Almost Famous
The sign 'Free Wi-Fi'.
Reenacting dance/song scenes from "Grease" with my little girl (hey! Wait till you see my 'Summer Lovin'! - don't judge)
Die Hard - 40 stories of Sheer Adventure!
Alex Goot & Friends (his enemies aren't half as talented!)
Cooking up a nice dish and sitting in the entertainment area, on a cool night, basking in it's greatness.
Inflatable kids pools full of Vodka Lime Crush.
Acidic Email from angry, over passionate teenagers after I trash something "Twilight"-related on the site. Sparkle elsewhere.
My baby girl's big, caring heart.

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