Caffeinated Clint : 10 Old Flicks I Allow You to Remake, Hollywood!


Hollywood, I don’t think it much matters what movie you remake – unless they’re directed by New Jersey’s favourite uncle Marty, or someone else of note (let’s admit it, “The Departed” and “True Grit” were pretty damn great; I’m even gonna give Craig Brewer’s “Footloose” a pass), we’re not interested. Even those English-language remakes of Japanese horror yarns – which kicked off so well with skilful foreigner Gore Verbinski’s handling of “The Ring”- have started to suck more than an animatronic Pamela Anderson puppet with excess battery-life.

If the failure of recent remakes like “Total Recall”, “A Nightmare on Elm Street” and “Fright Night” are anything to go by, nobody’s interested in widening their mouth to gnaw on lukewarm sloppy seconds. We’d rather play leapfrog with a unicorn then have to sit through a remake of another Schwarzenegger flick , or a film barely a decade old.  We cinemagoers and film-fans aren’t all suffering from dementia, so don’t treat us like we are.  You can stand your pretties out on a street corner, have them shake their sexy behinds, and make sure they whisper sweet nothings in our directions..  and while we might like what we hear from time to time, doesn’t mean most of us still wouldn’t prefer an innocent tango dance with an untarnished virgin at the local church.

Truth is, the only people interested in seeing an unnecessary remake come to fruition are the execs –  and direct relatives –  whose holiday plans and production roster relies on the release schedule padding.

Still, I don’t think reasoning is going to get us anywhere here, Hollywood’s still going to keep punching these things out. Why? Because they’re easy to do – less trouble, less effort, and far less risk.  Think of a “Halloween” remake as arriving to a date already wearing the condom under your trousers, and an original piece like “Insidious” coming rock-hard but unprotected…

So here’s me helping.

If you must continue to abuse the brands of our youth…

Leave “Ghost”, “Back to the Future”, “Romancing the Stone” and anything else considered a classic (that includes “The Crow” – have some respect for the late Brandon Lee), that you’re considering ‘doing over’, and just remake one of these ten films – most of us don’t hold a special place in our hearts for any of these, but yet we’re familiar with them. So go to it!  Knock yourself out! Go chafe your arse cheeks on these abuse-ready bitches from years ago!

10. Joysticks (1982)

What the f*ck is that?

One of those early ’80s sex comedies little Johnny got busted watching at Aunty Susie’s house when his cousins accidentally left the VHS tape sitting in the warm machine.  Told of a video-game arcade, where attendees spent more time playing with their fleshy-joysticks than plastic-ones, who are on the brink of being sold.  Jon Gries (of “Napoleon Dynamite”) fame played a punk in it. A glow surrounds the title on his resume, I bet.

Throw us a name? There’s a moment in the movie where the arcade owner plays ‘Strip Video’ with a couple of big-breasted floozies.   Reverse the gender of the shop owner and have Charlize Theron playing the ‘strip’ game with those red-headed twins from “Terminator 2” – they got big-enough jugs, right?  Ca-Ching!

9. Great Balls of Fire! (1989)

What the f*ck is that?

It’s the Jerry Lee Lewis story, with Dennis Quaid (and a box of freshly-cooked ‘rooms) playing the legendary rocker,  but people stayed away in droves believing it to be something about sexually transmitted diseases.  Let us keep “La Bamba”, you guys can have this one.

Throw us a name? James Franco.  Unlike Quaid, who needed it ordered in, he’d probably even supply the weed – budget-saving! Booyah!

8. Cool World (1992)

What the f*ck is that?

Better known as ‘that shitty cartoon movie Brad Pitt made before he got famous’, “Cool World” was essentially “Roger Rabbit”-for adults, and told of a cartoon vixen who seeks to seduce her creator. Can’t tell you much more than that about it, because I pulled out the scissors (and ma’s good scissors, too! the one’s I’m not supposed to touch!) and made an incision in the tape, that saw that reel spit out from the cassette like white goo from a tube. I made more money busking on an accordion in Year 2 than “Cool World” did in its entire run.

Throw us a name? Stan Lee. Those cartoon beeyatches owe him a good one.

7. The Man With One Red Shoe (1985)

What the f*ck is that?

Tom Hanks did this…. seemingly before he learned to read. Script had a seemingly normal common Joe being picked out of a crowd for surveillance by the C.I.A.  A cavalcade of, erm, stars supported Hanks in the flick – Carrie Fisher, Dabney Coleman, James Belushi,  Charles Durning… the grandpa from ‘Gilmore Girls’.

Throw us a name?  Tom Cruise. After Katie’s finished with him, he’ll be able to relate to the character, being only able to afford the one shoe and all.  

6. Hot to Trot (1988)

What the f*ck is that?

Bobcat Goldthwait inherits a horse – not just any horse, one that talks and has good knowledge of the stock-market.  The film’s three fans recently kicked-off a petition to get John Candy a posthumous Oscar nod for his performance as the horse.

Throw us a name?  Chris Noth.  Did some of his best work with a horse in recent years.   

6. Lambada : The Forbidden Dance (1990)

What the f*ck is that?

One of two films at the time based around the boppy sport of Lambada, this one played a bit like the Salvation Army version of “Dirty Dancing” – complete with its highly-affordable cast, and script so tainted and antediluvian it smelt of ratty moth balls.  Some claim the film was largely responsible for the all-so memorable Lambada dance craze of… oh wait, the craze is still coming. They say.

Throw us a name?  Mr…. 3D.   Bitch, you belong a bus-shelter!

5. Hercules in New York (1969)

What the f*ck is that?

If you have to remake an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, guys, make it one of the lesser-known ones – the one we all use to dodge at the video-store.  This one, big Arnie’s debut, had him playing a legendary god sent to Earth who ends up becoming a body-builder.

This was a joke of a bio. If the dickheads wanted to do godly Arnie’s true story, they should’ve spliced in a few quick-cuts of a hand groping the odd bosom. Missed opportunity and then some.

Throw us a name?  Chris Hemsworth (with Arnold supplying his voice; Aussies are hard to understand sometimes)

5. The Ice Pirates (1984)

What the f*ck is that?

“Star Wars”, “Star Trek”, “Battlestar Galactica”… unyielding suppliers of ongoing financial return.  Time to relaunch the “Ice Pirates” franchise (a movie that would later spawn headaches and video library refunds), the story of two pirates – on the hunt for water, a valuable commodity – who are kidnapped by a Princess. Ron Perlman, who played ‘Zeno’ in the film, reportedly gets a lot of questions about this one… in fact, I might ask him one now, “Dude! What the fuck!?”

Throw us a name?  Ridley Scott. This thing really needs more back-story; we need some flashbacks and biblical explanation to fill-in the questions left noticeably absent in the original film (like, for instance,  why the Pirates just don’t stay off food for a few hours, take a leak in a bottle, and try and flog that off as H20?).

5. Johnny Be Good (1988)

What the f*ck is that?

Anthony Michael Hall plays America’s hottest young football prospect, Johnny Walker… in a movie that led many to drink (including co-star Robert Downey Jr, funnily enough).

Throw us a name?  Peter Berg. Dude can direct football like no other. OK..If you insist, have some aliens enter the picture half-way through and take a couple of chunks out of the arena.  In terms of a star, there’s no going past Taylor Kitsch – in fact, many are already claiming, what after the performance of “John Carter”, “Battleship” and “The Savages”, that he’s a film or two away from an Anthony Michael Hall vehicle.  God, I can ‘hear’ the trailer already… exciting!

4. The Ewok Adventure : Caravan of Courage (1984)

What the f*ck is that?

A “Return of the Jedi” spin-off, showing theatrically outside of the states, in which the Ewoks help a couple of shipwrecked kids help find their parents.  George Lucas was robbed at Oscar time for his writing efforts on this one.

Throw us a name?  Lucas, of course! He needs to stop playing with his MacGuffin, or whatever he calls that proton pack of his (use jelly, pal), and 3D this bitch into the darkest, dullest, most ear-annoyingly aggravating re-issue possible!

4. High Road to China (1983)

What the f*ck is that?

Yeah, I know, sounds like an old Cheech & Chong flick, was actually a Tom Selleck-vehicle about a biplane pilot who teams with an industrialist’s daughter in a mission to find her father.  Had much in common with “Raiders of the Lost Ark”, including the fact it was shot on film, featured a male in the lead role, and featured a ramshackle airplane. It’s no wonder Harry Ford was shitting himself there for a while.

Throw us a name?  Cheech & Chong. Just forget everything I told you, the storyline and so on, and pinch the title for a stoner comedy. Wouldn’t be the first time.

3. Superdad (1973)

What the f*ck is that?

It’s a wonder, what with Hollywood’s crush on superheroes right now, that one of the more infamous crime-fighters hasn’t experienced a rebirth. Bob ‘Hogan’s Heroes’ Crane played the hero of the title, a normal, everyday Dad who… plots a scheme that’ll see his daughter enrol in a different college than the one she wants to. Stunts ensue. Production designers are already putting in their tenders to work on Superdad’s costume-of-choice – that tan shirt and jeans ensemble!

Throw us a name?  If you’re feeling brave Hollywood,  why not “TRON Legacy” this one – have Kurt Russell, who played Crane’s on-screen son in the movie, return to take over where his father left-off and in a film that could serve as part remake, part sequel!  Could be amazing.

2. Fraternity Vacation (1985)

What the f*ck is that?

Apparently part of the reason Susan Sarandon divorced Tim Robbins. That’s the rumour, anyway. Robbins, Stephen Geoffries and Cameron Dye made sweet love with a beautiful-looking 1:85:1 presented uncultured, hipply-hilarious comedy about two guys who make buddies with their frat brothers by letting them use their parents condo for a week. Includes a scene often replayed on the big screens at Award ceremonies where two women scare our heroes into thinking they’ve got STDs – just before the big deed’s due to go down. Timeless stuff – at least according to the 13-year-old who found the tape amongst Dad’s stash many years ago.

Throw us a name?  Jason Segel and Paul Rudd…. with ‘McLovin’ as ‘Wendell’! Bam!

2. Bird on a Wire (1990)

What the f*ck is that?

Early ’90s action/comedy with Mel Gibson and Goldie Hawn.  He’s an FBI informant whose ex-girlfriend recognizes him, blowing his secret identity of the past fifteen years. Now the bad guys – led by the doctor of cinematic evil, Stephen Tobolowsky – know too. Cue the ‘shoot out in the zoo’!

Throw us a name?  Tom Hardy – with a pony tail.  What’s that? You got 5 hearts in a row on your slot machine!? Bling, Bling, Bling, Bling, Bling, Bling! Jackpot! Thank me later, H’Wood. And don’t worry about the purists who’ll complain that “Mel Gibson is always going to be the one and only Rick Jarmin’. Hardly will do just fine!  He’ll bring something really exceptional and new to the legendary character.

I want a ‘Special Thanks’ in the credits.