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Clint takes a speargun to this Jaws reboot

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Caffeinated Clint
@http://www.twitter.com/clintmoviehole

Clint is the creator, editor and maintainer of Moviehole.

Wasn’t nice waking up to this one. I mean, seriously, the only new Jaws I wanna see coming when I wake up in the morning is Claudia Schiffer’s lunging, wide-open gob.

Today, regrettably (because it was cold and I did need to let go of some frustration), we awoke to news of a rather unwelcome, impending ‘Jaws’ .

Get this! Seems a casting call has gone out for the shock project over on Mandy (the website; our own Mandy Griffiths hasn’t yet decided to open up a classified section on her naked back) via Bloody Disgusting, that in turn suggests the classic screw-over is officially coming. No details on the what’s of if’s of the project, only that it’s calling itself a ‘Jaws Reboot’.

Whether it’s true or not, I dunno (no response from Universal yet), but if it is, one thing’s for sure, whoever’s behind this thing either has it out for Steven Spielberg after he dumped the “Crystal Skull” poo-truck on us a couple of years ago, or thinks the success of “Sharknado” is a sign audiences are aching for more killer shark movies. Whatever the case, fuckin’ ‘fin’ on ideas, H’Wood… or what!?

Universal, the home of “Jaws” (there’s a publicist that’s referred to by the same name there too, I hear),has toyed with the idea of remaking Steven Spielberg’s classic ’70s hit a couple of times. It never got beyond the idea stage though. Thinking it had something to do with ghostly vision of Roy Schneider rattling chains in the bedrooms of the execs, more than someone’s conscience getting the better of them. Any smart guy knows you don’t remake or reboot a classic like “Jaws”, just as you don’t remake horror classics like “A Nightmare on Elm Street”, “Evil Dead”, “Poltergeist” and “Gremlins”.

Hollywood is one big pole-straddling stripper, if there’s money to be made, it’ll loosen its G-string for you to tuck it into its ugly bits – no matter how demeaning or low the gesture.

So I wouldn’t at all put a “Jaws” reboot past them. If they’ve found a way to do it, and think there’s cash to be had in it, they’ll do it. The only feasible, audience-pleasing version of a “Jaws” reboot I see is one featuring Richard Dreyfuss’s aged Matt Hooper returning for one final showdown with the shark. But since most studios are run by teenagers these days, and not one of them would even know who Dreyfuss is (“What the hell is Stakeout!?”), let alone recognize the name ‘Hooper’, I’m guessing that’ll never happen. Nope, best case scenario here is a spear-wielding Zac Efron speedily swimming towards a giant CGI shark that’s dry-humping a community of bleeding oversexed teenagers (with everything in 3D, of course). A 12-year-old chickie just squealed in excitement at the imaginary logline.

But back to who’s to blame? I’m just gonna say it… fuck you ‘Sharknado’!

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Clint is the creator, editor and maintainer of Moviehole.

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Against the Current - the band, not adventures in dangerous swimming 101
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