Meet Nobby Butcher, a terminally unemployed but fun-loving football fan with nine kids who is forced to save the world.
Undertaking a complete transformation (with the help of his long-lost MI6 agent brother) from loveable fool to sophisticated secret agent, we chatted with Nobby on the phone from L.A. about the growing class division as a threat to Western democracy, psychosocial health problems and increased vulnerability of HIV/AIDS among urban men, and the social benefits of playing team sports.
We did talk about footy though.
Tell us about your travels outside of Grimsby.
Nobby: Yeah I went to the, you know, where French people are from, Paris, and you know I’ve been around, went to bloody Germany, German bastards, fuckin bastards, and I went to Holland. I can’t remember a fuckin thing from that though because I got off my tits with a lady. Well I thought she was a lady. All I know is I have terrible bruises on my knees and elbows and I had a condom stuck, falling out of my buttocks. So I don’t know. She seemed like a lady to me.
Well I’m sure she was and a very lovely lady, but what about your lady back in Grimsby?
Nobby: A lady back home in Grimbsy! Well I love her. She is Miss Grimsby. She’s actually a bit pissed off with me right now because last night she, well I brought her to Los Angeles and I took her to – there’s a pub here – and I attempted to perform a new sex act after I went to the Indian curry house called Curry Lingus, and to be honest, she was fine until I tried to mop up the last bits with the peshawari naan.
Uh excellent…that sounds…
Nobby: No it wasn’t bloody excellent! It’s disgusting! She was really pissed off, I mean thank god she was drunk, otherwise she would have been really screaming. But she loves me. You know she loves me and we have this special relationship. I can take a piss while she’s still sitting on the toilet. You know I can aim it in between her legs. A hole in one I call it. And I can get her pregnant without even waking her up.
That’s…quite a skill. You have very good aim it sounds like.
Nobby: Well thank you. I’ll take that as a compliment.
Now you love football, you love sport. Research has found that team sports really help people overcome shyness, learn important lessons about personal values, feel less isolated…
Nobby: Personal values? Learn fuckin what?
Do you think football is good for society?
Nobby: What’s society?
For a community, for your fellow Grimsby people…
Nobby: Footy? Oh yeah yeah it’s great because it shows you how to live in a community, how to respect each other and how to FUCKIN KICK PEOPLE’S HEADS IN!
These are all important life skills, it’s true.
Nobby: Yes although I don’t believe in violence. I’m a total pacifist. But, you know, if I punched someone and they retaliate by attacking me then I will SMASH THEIR HEADS IN.
Well that seems only fair. And is that a lesson you pass on to your children?
Nobby: Well you know, for me, it’s all about children. My children are the reason I get up every afternoon. And when I’m not getting up in the afternoon I drive them to their school, every morning, no matter how drunk I am. And I’m at the school gates at four o’clock. To sell their friends drugs.
Well that’s just…Grade A parenting.
Nobby: Yep. Grade A. Lovely. I actually burned down the school for my son, you know he didn’t like the school, and I said I’d do something about it and I did. I love him. And Skeletor if you’re listening to this, I love you, I miss you, Mr Potato Head if you’re listening, his little brother, I love you and miss you, Gangnam Style, our two year old, how are you? And obviously our new baby, 12 Years a Slave, fuckin love you. And he’s got a twin called ISIS.
Lovely. And you were just reunited with your brother recently, how was that?
Nobby: Yeah it’s great. You know, it was a bit of a shock you know, I’ve grown up a family man, whereas he’s become a bald loner who likes to kill people. But he’s more of a London type than me, you know, London to me is a real melting pot. I’ve met all sorts there, you know, twats, bastards, you name it. But yeah it’s great to see him. Bald. Sorry I’m drunk, what did you say?
Will you be going on anymore adventures with him anytime soon?
Nobby: Well last time he took me on an adventure he asked me to suck his nuts, so…you know. I do worry because he is from London and those London alleys, you know go down there, it’s a big city and next thing you know they expect everyone to have a little gobble on their nuts and, you know, it’s not what we do in Grimsby. [burps] Sorry. I am literally about to vomit. Please, carry on. You sound lovely.
I should let you go, I know you have a lot of drinking to do.
Nobby: Well you seem like a nice lass, but you know, I like to get on with my day. Hello to everyone in Australia! With your, you know, “barbies” [BBQs] and all that. You sound a lovely lass. Go find a nice lad and have 11 kids with him.
Grimsby is in Australian cinemas 10 March 2016.