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Love Actually Sequel: Red Nose Day Actually

12 minutes of trash

Warning, if you haven’t watched the sequel to Love Actually, and don’t want it spoilt, stop reading now!

I’m the first to admit I loved Love Actually. I still love Love Actually. It’s heart-warming, festive, emotional, cutesy, heart-breaking and everything else you want in a Christmas feel-good flick. The characters are relatable, the stories are relevant and ultimately it makes us crave for a Government where the leader is actually human.

So I was excited about the prospect of a sequel, even just a mini-movie for the sake of charity.

I was…unimpressed to be honest. The jokes are tired, the script frankly sucks, and it’s even unrealistic. David (Hugh Grant) is still PM? 13 years later? I don’t know much (read: anything) about British politics, but I’m fairly sure that’s not feasible. And not only that, he’s still performing the same dance that we laughed about 13 years ago. Just pop in a more recent hit, and done. Dusted. Just make sure he falls down the stairs to hilariously poke fun at the fact that he’s now older and his body isn’t quite what it used to be. Of course they gave him an inspirational speech about love, as well, while his younger and chubbier bride (Martine McCutcheon) looks on adoringly from the crowd, after taking selfies with the press. As you do.

Remember Mark (Andrew Lincoln), the guy who was inappropriately infatuated with his best friend’s wife Juliet (Keira Knightley), and declared his love silently on oversized cards? Well, his mate is still blissfully married, seemingly unaware of the frankly abhorrent betrayal his BFF showed a decade prior. It seems Mark still has a case of the yips with Juliet, and continues to communicate through his trademark oversized cards, despite now being married to supermodel Kate Moss. ‘Cause that’s a totally believable outcome. Dude can’t even talk to his mate’s Mrs and he’s nabbed a woman who’s leagues above him and also coincidentally shares his love of gigantic cards.

Young’un Sam (Thomas Brodie-Sangster) is grown up now and is sporting some seriously weird facial hair, but I digress. Somehow he’s managed to keep his American sweetheart Joanna (Olivia Olsen) in his life, and she’s the one asking stepfather Daniel (Liam Neeson) for permission to marry Sammy. Pro tip Joanna: you’re still young, you won’t continue to feel the same about Sam once you progress through your twenties.

Mr Bean makes an appearance. He’s the same character. Same jokes etc. You know the drill by now.

Jamie (Colin Firth) is still with his Portugese lover Aurelia (Lúcia Moniz), the one he fell in love with despite not being able to understand literally one word she spoke during their 3 minutes spent together in the car each day. They’re now with 3 children and expecting a 4th, and all the gags in this scene surround the language barrier. So hilarious.

Bill Nighy is back as ageing rocker Billy Mack, but without manager/love-of-his-life Joe, who has died choking on a ham sandwich, or something along those lines.

Missing from this 12 minutes of trash is Laura Linney (whatever happened to her office love!?!!), Emma Thompson (who I shall forgive, as I too still miss Alan Rickman), Carrot Top’s brother Colin (Kris Marshall) and the porn stars – who I am personally missing because every film needs a little bit of nudie action in my opinion.

I feel a little bit bad for trashing a charity film, but seriously, you had 12 minutes and it’s the same jokes we had in the original. No one seems to really have moved forward with their lives, except for the guy who’s a step away from being a sex offender – the one who married Kate Moss. Overall, not a good sequel. But if you disagree, just forward on your hate mail. Take aim, keyboard warriors.

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