What was it that “Jaws” warned us, that the ocean isn’t a safe place to be? Meanwhile, “Sharknado” has proven, 4 times over in fact that no amount of land can protect you from sharks. It’s going to prove that for a fifth time too, because apparently someone thinks there’s enough material in sharks in a tornado to make yet another movie about it.
“Sharknado 5: Global Swarming” is coming, with the hilariously original tagline of “Make America Bait Again”. A side note to this statement is, that I am fluent in sarcasm. See the image below:
Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse than a so-called comedian holding up a severed head, it’s been announced that Fabio will also have a cameo in said film. The world’s greatest lover, ironically, will be starring as The Pope. I don’t even know where to start with this nugget of information, it’s just comedy gold. I was under the impression that The Pope would be a virgin. Isn’t it a little bit crass for a man with such sexual prowess to be playing such a highly regarded religious figure?
True to its title of “Global Swarming”, the plot will see familiar faces Tara Reid (April) and Ian Ziering (Fin) chasing a tornado around the world, which has trapped their son. The tornado will travel to London, Rio, Tokyo, Rome, and Amsterdam.
My god man. Here’s a fun fact: the longest duration of a tornado has been 3 1/2 hours. I don’t think one has ever travelled internationally, either. Customs would never allow it. Not to mention having a boy, inside said tornado. Hope he has his passport on him.
Other cameos for the 5th instalment of seeing Tara Reid shitting even further on her career include Tony Hawk, Olivia Newton-John, Chloe Lattanzi, Clay Aiken, Bret Michaels, Charo, Gilbert Gottfried, Margaret Cho, Al Roker, Kathie Lee Gifford, Hoda Kotb, Greg Louganis, Tom Daley, Gus Kenworthy, Jeff Rossen, Porsha Williams, Tiffany “New York” Pollard, Chris Kattan, Cat Greenleaf, Ross Mullan and Dan Fogler. To be fair, some of these people’s careers do need a good defibrillator (looking at you, Clay Aiken), but I feel like even “Sharknado” is below some of the others.
Word is that Margaret Cho will play a “fussy bride whose honeymoon has been interrupted by sharks”. Look, if my honeymoon was overtaken by a tornado full of vicious fish, I’d be pissed too.
For those interested, “Sharknado: Global Swarming” swims (or flies) into theatres … oh what a surprise, it’s going direct to TV … I’m shocked, SHOCKED. See it August 6th if you have literally nothing else on. I for one, will be washing my hair that night.