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How to survive a horror movie

I’m a big horror fan, and I’ll watch pretty much anything provided there’s not toooo many bones breaking. If I’m scared to go to bed that night after watching something, that’s the ideal situation. The problem is, I drive everyone nuts by over-analysing each movie. “Don’t go in there! Nooo make sure he’s really dead! Don’t purchase that doll!” If the characters followed my advice, horror movies would be non-existent.

In saying that, I’ll use that as a segue to the crux of this article: how to survive a horror movie. If similar events to you happen, here’s a handy guide from yours truly on how NOT to be on the victims log.

  1. If someone says “stay out of that room” – just stay out of it. There’s a good reason you’re being told that. Of course there’s a good chance said person is just protecting their dirty, dirty sex room, but that’s the best case scenario – surely you want to protect yourself from seeing that as well? Otherwise you’ll be forever looking for eye bleach. Shudder
    Exhibits: “Annabelle: Creation”, “The Shining”, “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”

  2. When the gigantic mansion you’re in starts creaking and you hear things going bump in the night, move the hell out.
    Exhibits: “Insidious”, “Paranormal Activity”, “Poltergeist”, “The Amityville Horror”

  3. Similarly. if something seems off, like a family member is acting odd, or the hosts of the house you’re staying at have that glazed over “dead” look in their eyes, perhaps just leave. Preferably the country.
    Exhibits: “Get Out”, “The Shining”, “The Babadook”, “The Omen”

  4. Think twice before going on a road trip in the middle of absolutely nowhere, or camping where there’s no civilisation nearby. Other civilians are your friends.
    Exhibits: “Wolf Creek”, “Wrong Turn”, “The Blair Witch Project”

  5. RUN. Oh my god people, learn to run! Get the hell out of that house, that basement, whatever – just get out damnit.
    Exhibits: “When a Stranger Calls”, “The Hitcher”, “The Nightmare on Elm Street”, “The Visit”

  6. It’s hard, but try to let the dead rest. Maybe don’t try and contact them, or ask for their spirit to be returned to you. It’s not gonna end well.
    Exhibits: “Ouija”, “Annabelle”, “The Exorcist”

  7. Shoot, shoot and shoot again. In the unlikely incidence that you end up being chased down by a serial killer, crazy chainsaw-wielding maniac, or some weirdo dressed like Ronald McDonald, one shot is never enough.
    Exhibits: “Scream”, “I Know What You Did Last Summer”, “Halloween”

  8. Keep no dolls, or clowns in your house.
    Exhibits: “Annabelle”, “Chucky”, “Child’s Play”

  9. Finally… for god’s sake NEVER choose the banana!

Keep an eye out for our “Annabelle: Creation” review, to be published next week. Some of the characters could take some advice from this article I tell ya.

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