Caffeinated Clint
I always find it difficult putting together a ‘worst of the year’ list. I guess it’s because I have a heart, and know how much blood, sweat, and tears goes into making a movie, but also, I don’t need to be burning bridges. Not in my game. And mainly, I know how pissed daddy will be if his investment doesn’t pay off. Last thing I want is for some kid to be slapped over the head with a pair of thongs because Dad was presented with an ugly profit-and-loss statement. And secondly, as I said, I have to be careful whose heart I break by taking a hockey stick to their baby – you just never know when one of Amber Heard’s movies is going to make the list, and the last thing I need is to be scratched off her must-have list. Most of the films that made my ‘run! Quick!’ list this year are largely distended, super-expensive studio wreckage – so yes, they had it coming. There were disappointing films this year, sure (“Muppets Most Wanted”, “Labor Day”, “Endless Love” – the list goes on), but disappointing and ‘bad’ aren’t the same thing. For instance, just because 18-year-old was too drunk to get it on at the back of the party that night doesn’t mean I was ‘bad’, it just means I disappointed someone. Difference!
10. Transformers: Age of Extinction
Part way through the latest ‘’Transformers’’ movie, Mark Wahlberg’s character declares – having discovered something he cool – that he wants to “patent that shit”.
Too late, bro. Michael Bay registered the ‘bloated bots-bashing-bots blockbuster’ back in 2007, and to anyone watching ‘’Transformers : Age of Extinction’’, that’s pretty obvious – this thing’s more been there, done that than Harry Reems.
And can someone please get someone who has actually read one of William Goldman’s books to pen one of these films!? The character detail is shallower than an empty pool! And the dialogue? Tom Green and Drew Barrymore made more sense.
9. Jack Ryan : Shadow Recruit
Note to Paramount: A successful Jack Ryan adventure isn’t one that showcases stunts bigger than Chris Pine’s eyebrows. Sure, the car crashes and rooftop jumps offer good support, but without umpteen moments that require the audience to use their brains, twists that make the Grimsel Pass in Switzerland seem straight by comparison, and a complex array of characters – aside from the C.I.A hotshot lead – that spur captivation and investment, you might as well be making.. a “Bourne” movie starring Jeremy Renner. And if the memo had arrived sooner, I guess it would’ve saved the dozen or so writers that have worked on “Jack Ryan : Shadow Recruit” (terrible title!) over the years the castigation and distress of being unable to crack the libretto – so, I’m sorry, guess the email got caught up somewhere between Chris Pine’s left and right eyebrow.
8. Jersey Boys
Who loves you pretty baby,…. Not me. Apparently there’s two Clint Eastwood’s in the one – one that makes terrifically-crafted, award-worthy fare like “Unforgiven”, and another who points, shoots, collects his cheque. The latter directed this one.
7. Pompeii
Dear Mr. Anderson, while your Roger Corman impersonation worked a treat, your James Cameron leaves a lot to be desired.
Appropriately, the ambitious period-epic romance-volcano epic – from the makers of “Aliens vs. Predator” and “Mortal Kombat”, naturally – begins with a warning: Much unpleasantness is coming.
6. Sabotage
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s comeback is starting to resemble a recycled band-aid – it’s just not sticking! And it’s definitely not going to If it’s been used to cradle such puss-filled cinematic wounds like this messy testosterone-sponsored protein bar commercial.
5. Wish I Was Here
Funny that a film given birth by Kickstarter should be in dire need for such a Kickstart.
Here, writer/director/star Zach Braff (forever remembered as the chatty doc J.D on “Scrubs”) attempts to successfully reprise the effective mix of life-lessons, laughter, love and wet-eye that he perfected in his directorial debut “Garden State”. It doesn’t work. “Wish I Was Here” isn’t so much a Garden State as it is a parade of dithering Daisies.
4. Into the Woods
As any astronomer knows, just because the stars are out, it doesn’t mean a dark cloud won’t overshadow them.
If movies were made via cook books, Disney’s ”Into the Woods” would seem to have been ripped from the pages of a Jamie Oliver recipe-palooza. It has all the right ingredients – a talented cast (headlined by the likes of Meryl Streep, Emily Blunt,and Anna Kendrick), an accomplished director (Chicago helmer Rob Marshall), an ever-so-trendy ‘fairytale’ backdrop, and a popular template borrowed from Broadway. Seems someone didn’t follow the instructions closely enough though, because this latest movie musical is less Mamma Mia! and more “Mamma MIA!!!
3. Into the Storm
Don’t do it, it’s a shit storm.
2. Winter’s Tale
If frisky Ladyhawke went to town on a fertile Nicholas Sparks, ”Winter’s Tale” would be the ‘after’ picture, and Akiva Goldsman would be the one administering the mutant embryo it’s lethal dose.
Every time you take a puff, you’re warned of the dangers of smoking; before you man oeuvre your missile into mission control, you’re advised to wrap your module in latex; and to deter excessive gambling, gaming venues have rid of traditional ATMs – replacing them with machines that restrict your spending and make it harder for your fingers to relentlessly dry-hump the withdrawal button. But where’s the surgeon general of cinema? Where’s the latex sock you’re advised to wear on your head before you get screwed by an awful movie? Where’s the picture on the back of the cinema tub of what happens to your insides after you sit through “Winter’s Tale”? The Fugees aren’t the only ones killing them softly these days – Hollywood’s getting away with murder!
1. Transcendence
Well, Johnny Depp just video-Skyped that one in.
Cinematographer Wally Pfister makes his directorial debut on a reboot of twisty-reeled VHS classic “The Lawnmower Man II : Beyond Cyberspace” that’ll leave audiences wishing they too had been knee-deep in grass.
Pfister is Christopher Nolan’s – the director of such cinematic gems as “Memento”, “Inception” and “The Dark Knight” – go-to guy when it comes to making things look pretty. And, considering how lackluster his movie debut is, he won’t have to help Nolan find a replacement anytime soon.
