Caffeinated Clint
My most anticipated flick of 2013, the one where Justin Bieber attempts to unsuccessfully side-swipe a white pointer shark on his pink body board, hasn’t been made yet. But there’s ten other, significantly less amusing bits of eye food I’m also hungry to carve and consume come the New Year. Cynics will clearly see the absence of the names Alicia Silverstone, Ashley Greene and Julianne Hough on this list, so swallow the chortle before it begins.
1.
Star Trek Into Darkness
Sounds like some sort of transitionary film in which the crew of the Enterprise are killed half-way through the film, only to give the spider-walking roof-bound freak from ‘The Grudge’ films the stage.
It isn’t.
This , according to my illiterate, inside sources within the IMDB forums, is the “Empire Strikes Back”, “Dark Knight”, or, if you will, “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II : Secret of the Ooze”, of the “Trek” series. No word yet on whether Rachel Nichols’ hot green girl is back, but considering Spock’s ears are clearly seen sticking up in the trailer, there’s a fair chance there’s some space babes meshed in with the dark, thrilling plot of the thing.
2.
Jack Ryan
I’ve seen “The Hunt for Red October” more times in my life than I’ve spotted an ‘A’ on report cards, and I was first in-line to see the film adaptations of the subsequent Jack Ryan-headlined films (“Patriot Games”, “Clear and Present Danger”, “Sum of All Fears”), so to say I’m excited about this long-gestating reboot is an understatement. This one is blinged to the whizzle- “Star Trek” hero Chris Pine (2013, the year of Pine!?), Kevin Costner (welcome back to the forest of financial reward, Robin Hood!) and Kenneth Branagh (finally, much ado about.. something!), with a script that’s said to be as big on character as it is cool stuffs going boom, so I dare say it’ll make my Christmas. If not, I’ll rely on Santa’s foxy helper down at the local shopping center to raise my smile again by way of bend-downs and free colour-in pages.
3.
Man of Steel
I was this close to scribbling ‘You suck’! on the fake lawn of Warner Bros with blueberry mousse when they announced they’d be rebooting the ‘Superman’ series just four years (!) shy of the previous reboot (“Superman Returns”). The brass have since managed to silence me by way of a terrific teaser bribe, buzz that suggests the ultimate film for fan-boys, and killer quotes from Chris Nolan that point to “Man of Steel” being 2013’s comic book movie equivalent of “The Dark Knight Rises”. Damn you for dampening my outside-the-jeans red undies!
4.
Oblivion
in 2012, two Snow White movies went head-to-head. in 2013, two post-apocalyptic hero movies will do box-office battle.
If only because Tom Cruise rarely makes a dud, and the competing Will Smith movie has M.Night Shyamalan calling the shots, my money’s on “Oblivion” beating “After Earth” in every which way. And let’s admit it, nobody plays ’25-year-old heterosexual hero’ like the immortal Mr. Cruise.
5.
Saving Mr Banks
Tom Hanks as Walt Disney in a feature film that chronicles the making of “Mary Poppins”!? Do I sound too much like a rejected background performer from “Adventures of Priscilla” when I excitedly scream “Bring it, girlfriend!”
6.
Elysium
Neil Blomkamp bit the Johnson off the swollen science-fiction genre a couple of years ago with his terrific “District 9”, now he’s back with something that looks just as Gary Busey-special. Matt Damon, Jodie Foster and Sharlto Copley seemingly have even better taste than my daughter (the kid walks into a fish chop and orders “Blue Grenadier. Grilled. No Lemon. Crispy on the Outside.”) so that’s another testament to an impending long-lasting cinematic orgasm.
7.
Pacific Rim
While the Transformers regroup, Guillermo Del Toro brings his monstrous robots out to play. There’s a lot of talk about the visual and special effects, and how spectacular they look, but I’m fairly confident Del Toro’s not made a bimbo here – it’ll have brains and beauty.
8.
The Company You Keep
Two words : Robert. Redford. Your mum’s favourite always delivers when it comes to brick-solid dramas/thrillers, and this one looks to be no exception. Redford directs and co-stars in the film – alongside the slightly abused Shia LaBeouf – which fixes on a former Weather Underground activist who goes on the run from a journalist who has discovered his identity. Sounds like a feature-length version of the “Gossip Girl” finale, but I’m betting it’ll have us perched slightly more towards the end of our seats.
9.
Oz, The Great and Powerful
Not the “Buffy” spin-off some of us had hoped for, nevertheless a Sam Raimi-directed “Wizard of Oz” prequel featuring a bevy of beauties, a production design that looks like a rainbow vomiting, and a back-story we’ve never heard before should still be worth my hard-earned e-tag deduction.
10.
Sin City 2 : A Dame to Kill For
Been waiting for this longer than I have a return SMS from Julianne Hough (shit! I stuffed it! There goes my promise not to mention any of those afoesaid names in this whole piece!) so expectations are high for Rodriguez & Miller’s ode to the most boring colours available in Photoshop. The visual palette, combined with the green-room cool cast, and some wicked source material should result in a good, good time.
10 Runners-Up!
11. The Incredible Burt Wonderstone – Magic tricks and funnies!? Squee!
12. CBGB – Ashley Greene features in… oh fark. Damn you guys!
13. Pain & Gain – Mark Wahlberg, The Rock, Michael Bay. Screw ‘da chicks, man.
14. Iron Man 3 – Shane Black bringing the Christmas coolness back to metal man.
15. The Tomb – Sly & Arnold! How 2010! Very cool!
16. Last Vegas – a “Hangover” for old guys? Juicier than Metamucil!
17. A Good Day to Die Hard – He should be retired, alas, I’ll be watching. Smiling.
18. The To-do List – Aubrey Plaza is the bomb. That is all.
19. The Hunger Games : Catching Fire – I’m shooting straight, here.
20. Broken City – Russell Crowe and Mark Wahlberg exchange frowns. Gripping!
