The Eye

By Ramius

In ”The Eye”, unfussy hottie Jessica Alba plays a formerly blind woman who, now complete with some funky new eyes thanks to a cornea transplant– she merely sees the outline of people or a blurred representation of someone standing in front of her – isn’t quite seeing the full picture. And shit, neither are we ! I know this because I’ve seen the full picture – it was directed by the Pang Brothers back in 2002!

Sydney Wells (Alba aka The Invisible Woman) has just received a new pair of eyes – unfortunately, they’re from a dead psychic. Now, of course, Syd’s about to inherit the dead woman’s ability to see blurry ghosts in hallways and see people who aren’t really there. Or something.

Another unnecessary remake of a superior Asian film – they make the best noodles and the best horror movies, so give it up yanks! – “The Eye” directed by David Moreau and Xavier Palud (or was it Patrick Lussier? hmmmm) is essentially what you’d expect both a troubled-production (took about a year to film the movie because the whole thing had to be shot all over again! Um, if you ain’t confident, you think we’re going to be?) and the Hollywood version of a foreign horror flick to be : Dumb, Forgettable and, well, Loud.

When did Hollywood come to the conclusion that merely turning the volume up in the scary bits – if an underpaid actress standing in a white gown moving slowly towards the camera is considered such – is what audiences demand from a horror movie? It does nothing for us… except perhaps regret not bringing ear-plugs.

What the Asian original did was actually give us a compelling story, with compelling characters and the ability to jump out of our seat – and not from a sudden turn of the audio dial but from something genuinely frightening.

Maybe I’m praising the original film too much, I don’t remember thinking it was fabulous at the time – only side-by-side with the remakes does it come out dripping with colored cum. It wasn’t quite “Ringu” (remade in the states as “The Ring”), I remember – and mainly because it was a little too hokey. But it sure-as-shit kept me more at least interested to hang in there till the end. If it weren’t for the fact that I swear I could make out Alba’s bosom through her nightie at different times throughout this version, I might’ve ditched the theater and headed to a Macca’s – one look in their kitchen and I’d have gotten a better scare, that’s for sure.

I hear it plays better in the dark.