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Caffeinated Clint vs. The Oscars

If Gene Kelly and Peter Allen were still the biggest draws in Hollywood – as opposed to the starryville lawn cemetery – then tonight’s Oscars telecast would’ve brought the house down. Gay squeals, streamers and all. But there’s only so much song-and-dance numbers one can take, especially those who’ve Hot Tub Time Machined themselves to 2015 – a time when retweeting no longer means getting to hear Michael Winslow impersonate a budgie twice in the same day. These days, viewers are keener to see a TMZ video of Justin Bieber rimjobbing a traffic light than Doogie Houser dressing in top hats and capes, and moon-walking to Singing in the Rain. And if a Cabaret recital weren’t already a tip off, then Patricia Arquette’s speech definitely reminded us just how out of touch Hollywood still is. Seems Hall & Oates songs are still serving as the putty for the bricks, with Best Supporting actress Arquette having to ask why Tinseltown still treats women like saloon sluts on ‘Deadwood’.

As for tonight’s winners, some were well deserved. The aforesaid Arquette deserved her yellow lad; any person that spends twelve years filming a movie deserves a little something, right!?. JK Simmons finally got the recognition he’s been due since bringing J.Jonah Jameson to life a few years back. Julianne Moore was shoot-myself-good in “Still Alice”, so that was a win that was coming to her.And good to see “Big Hero 6” walk away from Best Animated film (“The Lego Movie” wasn’t nominated). Favourite moment though was seeing “Birdman” win Best Film; I think that almost guarantees we’ll see a “Birdman Returns” now, right?

But some of the others could be mistaken as being selected by the ghost of an inebriated Jack Palance! Where to begin!? One stout oversight was Best Actor : Michael Keaton’s turn in “Birdman” – much like Travolta’s turn in “Pulp Fiction”, Burt Reynolds’ return to fame in “Boogie Nights”, and Eddie Murphy’s return-to-dignity claim with “Dreamgirls” – was a comeback that deserved more than.. an offer to star in a bloody King Kong prequel. Keaton deserved that award. No, not just because he left the comfort of his couch to volunteer a performance that didn’t involve cue cards and a phone (admit it Mike, you’d been doing that for a few years!?), but because the guy gave the best performance of the year and, I think it goes without saying (sorry “Dream Team” fans!) the best performance of his career. Again, “Lego Movie” wasn’t nominated, otherwise he’d have had stronger competition. I can’t help but think Hollywood hates a comeback. They play a game with these guys.. like they’re dangling a Whopper in front of a homeless man!
There’s a pattern there : They’ll gladly nominate the ‘comeback’ kid for an award, but then they’ll get their hopes up and set them up for a fall – LIVE on ABC!
Sure, Eddie Redmayne was great in that movie (“Jupiter Ascending”, right?) but the award belonged to Keaton. Where’s bloody Kanye when you need him, I ask!? Any other time he’ll walk on stage and protest an award, but tonight? Nope, too busy sniffing glue off a tailpipe to crash the stage, pinch the gold from Ed, and handball the award over to Beetlejuice?
Okay, I’m also just plain disappointed.. because I wanted to see Keaton walk on stage, look down at the microphone, take pause, and then say “I’m Batman” before walking off stage.

Here are the winners (I don’t like that word because today, you’re all winners – well, maybe not you Dakota Johnson, your movie just dipped something like 71% this weekend!) of the ‘Have they been going for that long!?’ Annual Academy Awards!

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