Buffy movie officially in the works!

If Joss Whedon’s wearing tight-fitting undies today, chances are he’s going to chafe. Because there’s no way in hell this ain’t gonna get up his ass!

Fran Rubel Kuzui, director of the original “Buffy, the Vampire Slayer” film and [fortunate] rights-holder of the brand, has announced she’ll be resurrecting the slayer – only without Whedon and, we presuppose, Sarah Michelle Gellar holding her beloved Mr. Pointy. The new feature-film version won’t feature any of the beloved characters from the TV series – like Willow, Angel or Xander – but instead will essentially start with a fresh page. Whedon, the genius behind the long-running series and screenwriter of the original 1992 film, hasn’t been asked back.

Kuzui, who was hired to direct the original “Buffy” film – starring Kristy Swanson and Luke Perry – off the success of her first film, the rather visionary “Tokyo Pop” is teaming with Vertigo Entertainment, which specializes in English-language remakes of Asian films, such as “The Grudge” and “The Departed”, on the redo.

Speaking from Tokyo, Fran Kuzui told The Hollywood Reporter that she is constantly approached not only about sequels but theater, video games and foreign remakes for “Buffy.” When Vertigo’s Roy Lee contacted them, they were intrigued.

“It was Roy’s interest in taking Buffy into a new place that grabbed us,” she said. “It was based on our respect for what he does, and his particular sensitivity to Asian filmmakers, that we wanted to work with him.”

I’d heard rumblings of a Whedon-less “Buffy” film a couple of months back. Apparently the success of fellow neck-sucking saga “Twilight” had led to talks of a resurrection. But Jesus I hoped it wasn’t true. Didn’t pray enough it seems.

The parties are meeting with writers and hearing takes, and later will look for a home for the project.

I think it goes without saying that this isn’t going to be the “Buffy” we know and love – and definitely doesn’t sound like something Whedon would even want to be involved in. All he’d really need to hear is ‘Fran Rubel is on the phone and she wants to talk to you about remaking the Buffy movie’.

The 1992 movie is one Whedon longs to forget. Before it was a TV series – a fabbo TV series! – “Buffy, the Vampire Slayer” was an economically-budgeted camp-first character-second big-screen comedy from director Kuzui, of which Whedon penned the screenplay. Kristy Swanson (replacing Allysa Milano at the 11th hour) played the ditzy blonde Slayer-in-training, Donald Sutherland was her accommodating ‘Watcher’ Merrick, Rutger Hauer was Buffy’s arch-rival lothos, Paul Reuben’s was Lobos’s gothic rocker-looking sidekick, and “90210” heartthrob Luke Perry was the love interest, Pike – a shoddily-dressed damsel-in-distress for Buffy to save every time someone with a pair of plastic fangs approaches. The film was an enormous failure upon release – for numerous reasons – but has developed sort of a ‘cult’ following over the years, and not necessarily from those who adore the TV series.

The main problem of that original film – besides it being too camp – was the terribly low budget – FOX (and I’m assuming Kuzui) just didn’t seem to give two shits about this film. The vampires don’t look at all vampy, when they’re staked they don’t turn to dust like in the series – they simply drop out of frame, and the big dance sequence at the end – for example – seems to have been shot with whatever money was left in the kitty after everyone chipped in for that night’s pizza; there’s like 10 extras in that scene! Isn’t it supposed to be a highschool dance!? As for the stunts and wire-work? Laughable! So bad… they’re good. Oh, but the most noticeable gaffe arising from the low-to-no budget? They couldn’t even afford to buy Kristy Swanson a bra! Her cherries are poking out from her top in near every single scene! No wonder Donald Sutherland had a smile in his face throughout most of the movie.

So yes… we could potentially sitting through another one of those.

Would hate to be the guy sitting next to Paul Reubens at the XXX theater tonight – because he’s gonna be super excited.