“I Know Who Killed….” Lindsay Lohan’s career

Caffeinated Clint – 30/11/07

You know who killed you Lindsay? , Walt ‘Bloody’ Disney, that’s who. Maybe if he kept you locked up in Mickey’s magical castle for a couple more years – and with the penis-less Mickey – you wouldn’t have felt the need to get out there and shake you red and hairy bosoms all over Sunset,- nor recreate the classic car chases from “The French Connection” with unbeknownst drivers.

When Lindsay Lohan lost her baby teeth, so did she her mind.. it seems. She replaced that poster of Justin Timberlake in her locker with a map of Hollywood’s best spots to score and headed west down Olive to the big boys where she’d become the most famous Disney export since Kurt Russell…. Or Jim Varney.

Or she wouldn’t.

Truth of the matter is, Lindsay Lohan had a place and a time – kinda like Voltron. She was cool for a while, but now she’s just embarrassing. If Disney decided a “Herbie : Fully Loaded” sequel was a good idea… they’d animate a Cabbage Patch Kid, and no doubt, be just as happy with its performance as they were yours in the first films.

LL’s acting days since leaving Disney haven’t been pretty. OK, so “Mean Girls” was a terrific effort, and she might have got to work with Robert Altman (in the poorest film he’s ever done, mind you), but barking at cars as they pull out of the rehabilitation centre car park is the only way you’ll be able to fill in your time for the foreseeable future – especially now that you’ve burnt every bridge in California bar the Golden Gate, and made us sit through fuckin’ “Georgia Rule”!. If you’re lucky Linds some schmuck – no doubt someone you banged in rehab in exchange for some toothpaste – might throw you a bone from time to time and let you play a role in his ridiculously bad teen horror movie…

Oh look, here’s one now! “I Know Who Killed Me”. What the heck is this, LL? You do know that Sean Young isn’t an actress to aspire to be, right?

I sat through this thing the other night and all I can say is : “Did you do you friend A.J Cook a favour by filling in for her?” or “Was the film being caterered by Starbucks?”

I can’t imagine why, even you, felt the need to do a cheap tacky horror film. I’m sure there are better offers out there?

Or are there?

Have, in the space of twelve months, Hollywood given LL the cold shoulder?

Taking her latest film into consideration, it seems so.

Even a “Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen” sequel would’ve been better than this [should’ve gone] straight to video offering.

Sometimes you get what you deserve.

I gotta tell ya, I hate these spoilt rich princesses who think they’ve got unofficial backdoor – and in Lindsay’s case, the backdoor is a favourite apparently – keys to buzz around Hollywood like bee’s in a Jerry Seinfeld movie. They drink all our piss, they screw every boy in town until there’s no Candida medicine left for us that caught it by mistake, the only deal they’ve ever made for themselves is on a street corner with a guy named ‘Wassup!’ and they expect front-row first-class gold-standard treatment from anyone and everyone in the public service industry. Well, fuck that with a spike-rimmed bat…. Paris, Lindsay, Britney (you’re adopting two kids? Are you fucking retarded?!), Nicole,… you can all eat my sand-filled unwashed shorts. I’m with James G.Robinson when he secretly told Lindsay to “go fuck yourself you pimply talentless hanger-on!” (and if he didn’t say it, I give him permission to do so). And you know what? Your tits aren’t that good. There, I said it. They’re not. Sure, they’re bigger than Paris’s man-pecs, and you can actually see that you’ve got something there (unlike Lionel’s kid), but your bosom is overrated my dear… in fact, I’d be thinking twice before voyaging in there; it’d be like rubbing your noggin in Poison Ivy.

“She’s just another one of those Hollywood ‘I’m so fantastic’ and fucked heself over” says my wife. “She is. She was doing fine. She just fucked herself up”.

She’s right. Maybe it’s not her fault… but it’s the fact that she’s lost all respect, hasn’t learnt her lessons and made us sit through “Georgia Rule” (oh, I said that already?). I just can’t feel sorry for someone that doesn’t help themselves. You had a good thing going on there Lindsay… and you’ve just about blown [every guy in town, but also] every chance you were going to get. Maybe if you plonked on a bra; stayed home a few Saturday nights to read your lines, and sent a bunch of flowers to James G. Robinson to apologise for not giving a shit about the movie you were working on with Jane Fonda (!), you could have it all again.

You know someone has hit the skids both personally and professionally when “Jackass” alumni Steve-O tells you that he and Johnny Knoxville got high and had a threesome with Lohan the night before [the interview]. If she were any lower… she’d be doing the limbo!

So, take some of those things into consideration love…

If that doesn’t interest you, there’s a job going as erotic masseuse at the Chateau I hear… you wouldn’t have far to walk from work.