Crappy action movies that you just can’t turn off

Special : DUMB BUT FUN

Fancy revisiting some lame action movies?

It could be the fact that I’ve been hard-pressed for stuff to watch lately (just doesn’t seem to be anything good out) and have been forced to go through the archives and revisit some classic series’ (been through everything from the “Indiana Jones” series to the “Die Hard” series, and just about to work my way through the back catalogue of John Carpenter – – – I think I’ll stop when it gets to say, “Ghosts of Mars” – – and Jerry Bruckheimer) or maybe CHUD’s article on great Guilty pleasures got me hard – – one thing’s for sure, I’ve been living in the past (reader : “what’s fuckin’ new Clint, say hi to Ally Sheedy for me!”) I’ve even got some absolute duds out of the dusty towers to watch…. Some of which are too embarrassing to proclaim.

But then there are some absolute gems – or rather, turds with a nice polish. The films of the forgotten action heroes.

Under Siege 2 : Dark Territory

Actually, one guys’ movies I’ve been revisiting this past week is Steven Seagal. Yeah, Seagal. I’d only watched “Under Siege 2” once before – at the theatre – so decided to start with that one. Casey Ryback is definitely one of Seagal’s better characters, if not the best, so right from the bat you know you’re going to at least get something out of it. It’s kinda like the “Die Hard” series – though I’d never compare McClane to Ryback – as long as our central character returns, you’ll watch it, and enjoy it – enough.

“Under Siege 2” is a bit of a shambles though. Granted, it’s a shambles that’s well worth watching. I assume it was based on a spec that was never initially intended to be a Seagal vehicle or the sequel to the 1992 blockbuster – but that’s how all these movies start out (including most of the “Die Hard” sequels) – because there ain’t a lot tying it to the first movie besides, well, the character’s name and some fleeting references to stuff he’s done before.

Directed by Geoff Murphy (I’m a huge fan of “Young Guns II” so Geoff’s got my love, regardless), this one had Ryback and his niece – for some reason I actually remembered it as the daughter; but no loss – boarding a train that’s the target of terrorists (of, course). In fact, the plot is scarily similar to “Live Free or Die Hard” being that it’s a bunch of computer nerds – who formerly worked for the government – that decide to take on the bushido avenger. Hmmm… wonder if Mark Bomback watched “Under Siege 2” before starting work on Die Hard 4? There are similarities aplenty – the young daughter/niece character, the villain, the lone-hero thing (not easy to escape that though) and the race to jam technology.

Unlike “Live Free” though, “Under Siege 2” isn’t a good movie. It’s actually a pretty bad movie that’s strangely endurable. As I said, I think it’s the fact that Seagal is in tip-top shape in this one… and was at the top of his game as Casey Ryback. He’s actually the best thing in the movie because the special effects, the supporting players (besides Eric Bogosian as the main villain, he’s actually rather good) and the script is as weak as last-of-the-batch Pepsi.

Roger Ebert, obviously not afraid to fess up to enjoying crap sometimes, enjoyed it even more. “It isn’t as good as the original “Under Siege,” but it moves quickly, has great stunts and special effects, and is a lot of fun.”

Compared to a lot of Seagal’s latter movies though, “Under Siege 2” is a polished and rather passable effort. I can’t help but think that it had the legs to continue… as a series… but that’s unlikely to happen. (Seagal might be interested in doing an “Under Siege 3” but Warner Bros isn’t).

Exit Wounds

Another Seagal effort that I’ve revisited in recent times is “Exit Wounds”. Now this is a good movie. Very good. This is Joel Silver giving Seagal his “Lethal Weapon”. This is Joel Silver convinced that Seagal wasn’t doing himself any justice by making the likes of “Ticker” and “Fire Down Below” and took a chance on him. It would ultimately be the last chance a big name producer and studio would take on him again. Which is sad. Because, quite frankly, Seagal was great here. This thing had it all going on.

Granted, nearly every reviewer on the planet hated it.

Variety said it was “very routine and unimaginative, with Bartkowiak scaling back from some of his more stylized gambits in “Romeo” and none of it — the shootouts or the martial arts sleight of hand — showing any special flair.”

But then, action fans/the common Joe, really enjoyed the thing. Here are a few comments from folks in the IMDB forums:

“Beyond doubt. He wasn’t superhuman in this, got roughed up here and there, and used guns instead of the usual martial arts. Also, the usually annoying [Tom] Arnold was effective here, as well as the fat black guy. The only other Seagal film I feel was as good was his first-ABOVE THE LAW-although GLIMMER MAN was watchable.” – themoviebuff2003, calling it Seagal’s ‘best film’.

“Wow, I do like the movie, I always liked seagal films, even when the[y] bite. But this one especially” – JayandBobfan9.

Most of these movies – in fact, anything in the action genre starring Van Damme, Seagal, Willis, Norris, or Stallone – aren’t made for critics, they’re made for the guys above – – the action fans. If they give it the thumbs up – and they don’t always, in fact they’ll really rip into them sometime – then it works.

Seagal parodied himself in the film and it worked a treat. Also, he looked great. He’d put on a few pounds since Casey Ryback first captured a mental image of Erika Eleniak coming out of the cake, and Silver forced him to drop them, in turn giving the action icon a new lease on… well, his career…. But his life too, I’m guessing.

Andrzej Bartkowiak is a great action director. He’s reminiscent of a Mark L.Lester (“Commando”) or, even a Dick Donner (“Lethal Weapon”). He does high-speed good-looking action pics that never let up. Scripts aside, most of his back catalogue – including “Romeo Must Die” and “Cradle 2 the Grave” – are good movies.

Now if only Bartkowiak could entice Seagal – don’t know if there’s any bad blood there, but it’s possible – into doing another Orin Boyd – the character Seagal played in “Exit Wounds” – movie. That might be good.

But yeah, Seagal does have its moments. Both “Under Siege 2” and “Exit Wounds” were probably trashed by critics, but as far as solid flashy action films go, they’re right up there – especially the latter.

Cliffhanger

It’s funny, Stallone, Van Damme and Willis, to name but a couple of the icons we associate with the genre, have actually made their share of ‘worthwhile’ guilty pleasures – and I bet you’ve never seen half of them.

Stallone’s done a few films I could easily watch again – and they’re not the usual suspects like “Rocky” or “First Blood”.

I’m talking about “Cliffhanger”, which I dare say could be Renny Harlin’s best film… and one of Sly’s best moments in the 90s. It was an amazing movie at the time. The action sequences in that were truly staggering. Laugh all you want, but you know that film delivered in spades. Sure, it was cheesy as heck, but man… what a time.

I think Stallone’s “Daylight” also has its moments – it’s clichéd to hell and the performances are are crud, but as an action film, there’s some good stuff in here. It was perfectly entertaining Saturday afternoon Matinee material.

Oh, and “Demolition Man”… now there’s a good little action movie. Again, as dumb as shit, but very easy to watch and full of skirmish. Sandy Bullock looked rather hot in it, too.

Sudden Death

Jean Claude Van Damme also has some beauties in his closet – films too. His early films are actually rather good – check out “Kickboxer” and “Bloodsport” again and tell me they’re not a hell of a lot of fun. The man is damn impressive in those, too; I’d never seen martial arts that well on film since the days of Bruce Lee. He did have it down. But there’s one film – well two, check out “Timecop” – of Van Damme’s back catalogue that critics totally savaged but I think was a rather fun film, despite being a blatant rip-off of “Die Hard”, called “Sudden Death”.

This was the one where Van Damme took on terrorists in an ice-skating rink. Yes, it’s ridiculous as it sounds but it was actually quite a polished little movie – credit mostly to the director, Peter Hyams, who knows his way around a good little action thriller having directed such films as “The Presidio”, “Narrow Margin” (another guilty pleasure of mine) and the abovementioned “Timecop”.

Striking Distance

Though everyone thinks of “Die Hard” when they think ‘action movies starring Bruce Willis’, I think there’s a couple out there that are dreadfully overlooked. Ok, maybe not dreadfully overlooked but they’re a lot better than they were made out to be.
There’s “The Last Boy Scout”, of course, which was written by the masterful Shane Black, but more so, there’s the little-seen “Striking Distance”.
This one was essentially “Die Hard on Water” – every action movie was “Die Hard on…” something at the time – and had Bruno and Sarah Jessica Parker (never been a fun of her; she seems to me like the kinda chick you bag and do from behind – but that’s another story) as water rats trying to find out whose killing all of his ex-girlfriends. There’s some excellently choreographed stunts in the thing – one in particular at the start of the film where a bunch of cop cars ‘glide’ over the San Francisco map. That was eye-popping gizz – something Paris Hilton probably knows all about – back then.

Last Action Heri

I also revisited “Last Action Hero” in recent days – a film widely regarded to be Arnold Schwarzenegger’s worst picture, and probably his least successful.

You know what? As egotistical as this movie is – its Schwarzenegger playing Schwarzenegger, the biggest movie star in the world, so he’s definitely got a big head on him – and as silly as the script is (too many missed opportunities in my opinion), it has its moments. Some of the action sequences – not to mention the sound design – rock. In a better movie, some of the car chases and free-falls might be considered classic action sequences. I’m not saying “Last Action Hero” is well worth revising again… I’m just saying it’s not “Future Cop 9”, it’s got its positives.

And…?

So what am I getting at here? I think – I’m never really sure, I go off on tangents and lose my way quite regularly – what I’m trying to say is that there’s still a place for the cheesy, flashy action movie. I’m also pointing out that some of the movies we considered to be absolute shockers back in the day – like say, “Under Siege 2” or “Timecop” – are quite a bit better than some of the pap smears released today. As dumb as many of them are/were, they still entertained – and I can’t say that for a lot of the stuff of today, which, if they’re lucky, get about 20 minutes of my time before I make contact with the stop button.

Long live the flashy fuck-up action movie. Long live the quick-quipping action hero. The brain deserves a day off occasionally.