Clint watches the Watchmen!

Hey, so Paramount here in Australia just gave me the thumbs up to run my review of “Watchmen”…. so, without further ado, how wet will you be?

Quite a bit me thinks. Bring a spare pair.

If, after “The Dark Knight”, you’ve still got a taste for the ‘dark’ comic-book movie, I’ve a whole flask of something super-sou and biffo bitter.

“Watchmen”, based on the DC comics by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons, is a superhero film like you’ve never seen before. It’s like ”The Fantastic Four” meets ”Rules of Attraction” – a disturbing portrait of an all-too-possible America, where heroes are as tainted as the villains they’re chasing, and ‘pity fucks’ are the order of their day.

If seeing Superman gutted by knifed scum in ”Superman Returns” left you rattled, seeing The Punisher’s family obliterated by the mob kept you awake at night, or you were open-jawed following the death of Batman’s girlfriend in ”The Dark Knight”, best book yourself in early to a councilor. This one is guaranteed to disturb.

Violent (there’s rape scenes, pregnant women being shot, numerous amputations), overtly sexual (heck, one of the superheros walks around with his wally hanging out for the whole movie!), and rife with political messages (it’s a big reminder of how close we’ve come to Nuclear War in the past), it’s safe to say this isn’t for the kids. And it might even be a hard sell for some adults.

Have I mentioned yet that it’s brilliant?

It is. Zach Snyder’s visually orgasmic (well, of course, this is the guy that gave us the stunning “300”) film might just be the best-written, best-performed and most meaningful superhero movie ever made. Unlike a lot of caped-crusader movies, it actually has a point to make. And though some might rather see a green-suited Jim Carrey dance around with a noxious Drew Barrymore, most audiences will appreciate that this one’s got brains.

Set in alternate 1985, where Nixon is still president, Vietnam was won by the South, and tensions between the U.S and the Soviet Union are at an all-time high (so much so that the Doomsday Clock is at set at 5-to-12), Watchmen fixes on a group of former government-Ok’ed superheroes that are seemingly been killed off one-by-one.

The movie opens with the murder of former hero, The Comedian/Eddie Blake (Jeffrey Dean Morgan), thrown from a window by an unseen assailant. Old colleague Rorschach (Jackie Earle Haley), a masked vigilante who’ll kill before questioning, is investigating the murder. He uncovers a far-ranging conspiracy involving his colleague’s past which could completely change the course of history.
Meanwhile, two of Rorschach’s former partners, Silk Spectre II (Malin Akerman) and Night Owl II (Patrick Wilson), are struggling in their ‘new lives’ as tightless humans, and are inching closer and closer to getting the show back on the road. Unlikely to be part of the reformed team though is Dr. Manhattan (Billy Crudup), who, in his new state as something other than human, disavows any interest in human affairs and rejects the validity of any notion of morality.

The visuals and storyline are obviously the real star here, but let’s not discount the amazing cast…. Of unknowns!

Jackie Earle Haley (Oscar Nominated for his role in “Little Children” a couple of years back) is a standout as the sociopath of the hero troupe, Walter Kovacs / Rorschach:. Wearing a mask of ink blots (ya know, like the ink blots shrinks show criminals just before they throw away the key on them?), he’s a deadly (he mightn’t look like he can do much damage – but he can!) detective that’s determined to find out who killed his former partner. The character is almost an anti-hero – he does so many evil things that it’s hard to know whether you’re supposed to root for him or pray someone throws him down an elevator shaft. But maybe that’s the fun of this character.

Patrick Wilson (also from “Little Children”) is the squeaky-clown Dan/Night Owl II, and he’s good too, Malik Akerman (Ben Stiller’s crazy bride from “The Heartbreak Kid”) makes for a rather stunning looking heroine, playing a second-generation (Carla Gugino plays her mother, the original) Silk Spectre, Billy Crudup (“Almost Famous”), and a mass of visual effects, combine to successfully play the ‘Silver Surfer’-esque Dr. Manhattan, and last but not least, Matthew Goode (probably best known for his role in Woody Allen’s “Match Point”) plays the token ‘celebrity’ of the troupe, hero turned billionaire, Adrian Veidt / Ozymandias. Goode does seem to weave in and out of an American accent, sometimes returning to his native British, but he’s so good in the role that most will be unlikely to notice. And though he’s barely on screen (half-a-dozen short scenes), Jeffrey Dean Morgan (best known for his role as Denny on TVs “Grey’s Anatomy”) provides a memorable performance as the cigar-chomping, take-before-asking gun-toter, The Comedian. Just a pity we don’t see more of him – it’s a great character.

Part detective story, Part Superhero adventure, and Part Portrait of the Imperfect Human, ‘’Watchmen’’ is a must-see movie. It rarely trips up, and though a little long (there’s a lot of content to bring over from the comic books though; one fellow journalist said a lot wasn’t in the movie that was in the books – an impossible task to bring everything over though), running at about two-and-a-half-hours, it’ll keep you entertained until the brilliant, didn’t-see-that-coming conclusion.