Caffeinated Clint
Happy 50th birthday, Madonna! (For the 16th!)
As a gift, we’re going to buy you acting lessons – – happy with that? (I’m sure Guy will be, anyway).
No, that’s not fair. Well, it is. But it’s your birthday, so let’s be kind shall we… and after all, there’s much worse actresses out there than Madonna – – – um, who was it that starred in “Night Eyes 4†again? Hmmm…Um..Er…
Whatever! yeah, there’s indubitably people with less performance skill than Ms Ritchie. Heck, I’ll even admit to liking a couple of the Material Girl’s movies…. And I bet I own nearly every one of them on DVD! (not that that means much, I own nearly everything on DVD – “American Outlawsâ€, “Waxwork II†and “Three Men and a Little Lady†are proud members of the Morris disc collective). She has done some good stuff – even if she hasn’t been that good in them – like, for instance, 80s gem “Desperately Seeking the Susanâ€, the underrated 90s comic book adaptation of “Dick Tracy†and the exasperating but commendable “Evita†biopic. All good shows.
For what it’s worth, let’s count down Madonna’s 10 best movies.
1. Desperately Seeking Susan (1985) – I think the reason this works so well, and the reason it probably features Madonna’s best on-screen performance, is because the girl is clearly playing herself – or damn close to. This is such a fun film. I’m not even a big Rosanna Arquette fan, and I adored her in this. I’d even go so far as to say Madonna was ‘great’ in this. Maybe she shouldn’t try so hard in the future… What do I know though… my acting resume consists of a bit part as an alien in downunder horror movie and a hosting job on a TV show nobody ever watched.
2. A League of Their Own (1991) – Like “Susanâ€, Madonna isn’t trying to stretch herself here – she’s merely playing herself, a sassy chick from Brooklyn whose all about boys and bonking. Again, Maddie’s good here because she’s at home in the role. Not a bad film either. (Mads also supplied the rousing theme song).
3. Evita (1996) – Madonna is actually quite good in the film, though it’s a flick that requires a bit of patience and an enormous liking to Perrone’s music. Madonna is good when she’s playing the sexy, sassy camp ‘Evita’ but less effective as the Evita just before her death (the person for the people, the voice of reason). Again, it’s because Madonna was in her element playing Evita mid-success, because she’s been there, and for all intents and purposes, was playing an extension of herself. The woman after the curtain closes? Nope, Mads didn’t have a clue. You can’t tell by the singular expression she wears from the 110 minute mark onward.
4. Dick Tracy (1990) – Madonna channels Marilyn Monroe here, playing the mysterious femme fatale Breathless Mahoney . At the time there was more attention on Madonna’s off-screen relationship with star Warren Beatty than there was on her performance – not that anything was taken away from her, the star of this show was clear the grandiose production design.
5. Die Another Day (2002) – Like Madonna herself, this 007 outing – the last for Pierce Brosnan – is one you either love or hate. I love it. I think it’s a lot of fun – and has some great moments in it, the least of which are some imaginative nods to past Bond movie moments. Madonna only has a cameo in this one, and maybe that’s why I found her to be quite tolerable in it, but her sparring scene with Bond is a little chucklesome. I will admit that.
6. The Next Best Thing (2000) – One would expect this one – a rom-com starring real-life ‘best girlfriends’ Maddie and Rupert Everett – to be about as excruciating as humping one of Freddy Krueger’s claws. Not so. It’s actually quite sweet in parts. Forgettable, yes, but sweet.
7. Shanghai Surprise – And this is where the bad stuff starts. Oh the horror! Let me never have to watch this again!
8. Body of Evidence (1993) – Look kids, its Madonna’s titties! No better, no worse than Sharon Stone’s sexdud “Sliver†but that doesn’t mean it’s tolerable.
9. Bloodhounds of Broadway (1989) – Surely Woody Allen can get a performance out of Madonna? Nup. Didn’t happen.
10. Swept Away (2002) – Will someone please staple my head to the refrigerator? That way, if someone ever decides to pop this one into the DVD machine at my place, I won’t have to endure it with them. Once was enough. And I’m still waking at night.
