With these fires, floods, earthquakes, tsunami’s and Justin Bieber movies, a great majority of the earth’s people are pretty much convinced that our planet is coming to an end – just as the Mayan race predicted (though, if you’ve done your reading you’ll know that they didn’t actually predict ‘the end’ just the ‘beginning of something new’ from December 2012 – but whatever).
Terrible, isn’t it, that we’ll all be gone by January of 2013!? I can’t even fathom the thought of not being able to grab a Latte, the daily newspaper and ham sandwich at lunchtime and sit down to ponder my thoughts and munch on my multi-grain in a crowded Italian cafe. That sucks like a Dyson!
There’s a lot of things many of us we’ll never experience and, for us movie-lovers, a lot of films, originally due for release in 2013, that we’ll never see and therefore, have no idea how they turned out. That’s a shitload of wasted manhours, money and – in the case of the Marvel product – latex.
In these frightening times the last thing we want to do is dwell on the end of the world, but with such good movies on the way, it’s got to be said – couldn’t the Mayans have chosen another friggin year to guesstimate our demise!?
20 FILMS DUE FOR RELEASE AFTER THE END OF THE WORLD IN 2013
…. Sadly, we’ll never seen any of these :
20. HOBBIT 2
Hopefully most of you heading to next years first chapter in “The Hobbit” two-part movie series are FOX viewers? Won’t hurt as much if you are, after all, leaving characters and situations in the most inconclusive of cliffhangers won’t be anything much different to what you’re use to. Still, what a shame – guessing there will be quite a bit of footage in the can by the time December 2012 rolls around, pity we’ll never see it. Still, nice note for the New Zealand film industry to leave on – much better than “Separation City”.
19. IRON MAN 3
No fourth condo for Kevin Feige. I, personally, was really looking forward to this chapter in the “Iron Man” franchise, not because I’m a die-hard fan of the series or even Downey but more so because I’m a big-time fan of it’s writer/director Shane Black. I would’ve loved to have seen what Black (“Lethal Weapon”, “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”) could’ve brought to the series… sniffle… must go… on…
18. THE DARK TOWER
The first chapter in a proposed film series that would’ve encompassed umpteen films and a TV series, “The Dark Tower” is the highly-anticipated supernatural western romp with Javier Bardem “psychologically” attached to play the ‘gunslinger’. Fans of the Stephen King novel series will be straight-up pissed that they’ll never see this one. Director Ron Howard might have to seek solace an old pal who knows exactly how he feels : Henry Winkler, whose films were never seen by anybody either.
17. UNCHARTED : DRAKE’S FORTUNE
David O.Russell’s big-screen take on the computer game of the same name is set to star Mark Wahlberg and, well, I’m guessing everyone but Nathan Fillion’s legion of fans will be crushed to know that the most they’ll ever see of Wahlberg’s Nathan Frake is in a series of forthcoming set photos over at JustJared. Make sure to point out the third nipple in the pics to your friends.
16. TOMB RAIDER
This end-of-the-world thing is starting to sound Okay… No, in all seriousness, quite a few of us (three or four) were quite keen to see what Graham King’s GK Films would’ve served up as a reboot of the Angelina Jolie starrer, particularly Lindsay Lohan, who had sent in her measurements a few weeks back.
15. OZ : THE GREAT AND POWERFUL
A prequel to “The Wizard of Oz”, seen from the point of view of The Wizard (James Franco), when he first arrives in Oz. Sam Raimi will never get the monstrous blockbuster hit he’s been craving for since handing over the Spidey-reigns to Marc Webb, and we’ll never get to see how a tied-to-the-wool stoner reacts to see Munchkins for the first time. In all seriousness, I would’ve loved to have seen this – or one of the other five “Oz” related projects due for release the same year.
14. ELYSIUM
Neil Blomkamp, director of 2010 smasheroo “District 9”, will – since the world is going to close for business before the release of this opne – remain the cinematic equivalent of Chesney Hawkes.
The film would’ve told of aliens who come to Earth in an effort to make peace and live like human beings. Don’t be shocked to hear that Matt Damon, Sharlto Copley and Jodie Foster have given away their pay to some church.
13. LIBERACE
Am I the only one upset that we’ll never get to see Michael Douglas as Liberace!? (Romancing the Bone, indeed). We’ll just have to watch “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” and pretend Douglas is playing Liberace in that… I guess. Nah, I couldn’t go there again either. Maybe I’ll just watch some George Hamilton on MetaCafe. That’ll do.
12. ROBOCOP
Jose Padhila’s reboot of (one of my favourite flicks; likely, one of yours too) “RoboCop” has been a long-time coming (Darren Aronofsky had been attached for several years but bailed because of MGM’s financial troubles) so it’s a little disappointing to hear we’ll never see it. Main thing is, the “RoboCop” series as we know ended on such a high-note anyway so… oh wait, what the hell am I saying!!? Man, I’m just upsetting myself even more…
11. THE FLASH
Like so many of the films on this list, “The Flash” has been in development for many years now. It’s quite likely that, without a star and a start date, and more and more evidence supporting the end of the world in 2012, the producers will simply decide to retool the script and release it as a 15-minute short film to precede Zack Snyder’s “Superman” movie. I suppose that way, instead of sitting through another two-hour superhero movie, it’ll be over in a ‘Flash’?
10. XERXES
About 300 people will be upset to know that a spin-off of Zack Snyder’a Manpower commercial won’t ever see the light of day.
9. TOP GUN 2
The poor little rich boy financing the film, one David Ellison, wants to make this film the most of any film on his slate (he’s a die-hard fan of the original, also a pilot, so it makes sense he’d gunning to do this). We will all be as dead as Goose by the time it’s completed so David, just quit this thing like John Stockwell, and cherish those memories of the leggy lesbian letting everyone’s favourite scientist use her shower. I know I will.
8. THE CROW
We will be gone by the time “The Crow” comes out – depressing, right? Still, it was the only way we’d ever have anything in common with the totally cool Brandon Lee.
7. ENTOURAGE : THE MOVIE
Pity, I was very keen to see what happens to Vinnie Chase after he has a very public fight with the creator and co-star of his long-running sitcom “Turtle-and-a-half-man”.
6. FANTASTIC VOYAGE
A reboot of the classic shrunken-scientists-go-inside-human-body flick, from “Cheaper by the Dozen” director Shawn Levy, is going to take it’s time to piece together – – maybe they should just quit and remind those anticipating the flick that “InnerSpace” exists? Oh wait.. .I just did.
5. FLETCH WON
We’ve been waiting for it for long enough anyway… what’s another couple of lifetimes, at which time Earth will hopefully be rebuilt!? If anyone’s going to survive the apocalypse it’s Chevy Chase anyway (and the last thing Chris Farley wants is for that son-of-a-bitch to getting all the laughs up there).
4. QUENTIN TARANTINO’S SPAGHETTI WESTERN
This is what you get for taking so long writing your damn scripts, Quentin! You should’ve just put some earmuffs on to block the sounds of Alan Ball’s friggin birds! Now, thanks to your slack attitude to work, we’ll never see your awesome spaghetti western featuring the likes of Treat Williams, Franco Nero and Keith Carradine! Put “A Few Dollars More” on, close your eyes, and pretend it’s Treat Williams playing Eastwoood’s role. May work.
3. UNTITLED MICHAEL BAY/TAYLOR LAUTNER PROJECT
So… um… there’s…
2. MILLI VANILLI MOVIE
A story most of us needed to relive before we left this place…. Blame it on the Rain…. And fire… and tornados.
1. ANNIE
Willow Smith in a remake of the 1982 classic…
…fuck it! BRING ON THE END OF THE WORLD!
