Caffeinated Clint – 21/10/08

I sat here for about half-an-hour trying to decide what to write about before I actually caressed the keys on my dusty keyboard. And even now, I’m still trying to decide what to write about.

Do I vent as usual, telling you about the courier I came to blows with yesterday? How pissed off I am that people with no kids think they know more about children than those that do have tykes? How people have become so lazy and arrogant they can’t even return an email? Or how about how used we journalists sometimes feel in this industry? (You know exactly what I mean, Ebert. Sometimes you feel as if you’re no more than a walking poster billboard – there to serve the film companies. Most of the time, you’re their slut! “Hi Mr Journalist, we need you to write a nice positive spiel about our new film and TODAY, but no, we can’t invite you to come and see it because it’s BAD! Thanks! and if I don’t respond to your emails for the next couple of weeks its because I’m playing air hockey with the copy boy!’’ ).

Do I tell you about my daughter, and how she’s walking? Man, I can’t keep up! There are finger prints now all over the plasma! There are CD sleeves everywhere! And you won’t believe the goodies you find in the loo! But most of all, newly-found legs equals more opportunity to explore… and before I’ve even turned my back my 1-year-old has opened the sliding door, is making her way down the steps, and begun to chase a cat on her pink scooter! I just know I’m going to be one of those parents who make their kids wear a dog leash, aren’t I?

Do I remind you about those not-so-good “Quantum of Solace” reviews? (Nah, too depressing. The only other sequel – the other being ‘’Dark Knight’’ – I was looking forward to this year sounds like it’s a real disappointment. Granted, not an Indiana Jones and the Cavity of Liver Spots blunder, but still a disappointment – apparently someone left half-an-hour of footage on the cutting room floor somewhere, or maybe Sony theatrical made a deal with Sony DVD that they could have the 30 mins of footage for the upcoming DVD release – which they’ll consequently market as the ‘uncut’ version?)

Do I again tell you how much respect I have for Seth Rogen not immediately jumping aboard (a film he hasn’t been offered yet anyway) ”Ghostbusters 3”? Rock on dude! He’s one of us. I know. He told me so. He reads all the movie websites. He’s even put Moviehole on his iphone (though JoBlo remains his front page – – damn you Dave Davis! Chuckles!). More so, he’s a nerd for classic cinema – like “Ghostbusters” – and he don’t dare rape our memories. Though I feel he will get the offer to join buddy Judd Apatow – rumoured to be producing it, or, donating his name to it in some other way – I believe Rogen when he sees he’ll knock back that bitch if the script sucks worse than a toothless whore. I think he will. I think he will read it…. And come to the bit where Venkman wakes up in bed with Slimer blowing him off…. And through the script out the window!

Do I remind Aussies how retarded our fuckin’ TV networks are!? Why the hell do we even bother watching anything – they yank any show that doesn’t instantly score like David Beckham at a soccer post. First it was “90210” (not that I cared much, it was pretty darn weak), now it’s “Fringe” – suddenly gone for Wednesday nights. But that’s not all – over the years we’ve had “Smallville”, “Battlestar Galactica” and (my favourite show) “Friday Night Lights” pulled from free-to-air television. If it isn’t reality television, doesn’t feature a fat foul-mouthed chef, or doesn’t include the words ‘World’s’ or ‘Model’ in its title it’s a goner. Thank god for Pay-TV! (To Channel 7’s defense, they did have the smarts to axe the U.S version of ‘Kath & Kim’ after only two episodes!)

Do I tell you about the-best-old-show-I-only-just-saw? Fuck, Do I actually confess to only just now seeing “Freaks and Geeks”? I’d seen “Undeclared” – Judd Apatow’s other short-loved sitcom – but I’d never seen the show everyone raves about [more than “Undeclared” anyway]… and again, it’s probably due to the shitty Aussie TV networks who didn’t give the show much of a go. Man, what a great show! I’m so pissed at myself for not checking it out sooner (but truth to be told, I didn’t want to cough up eighty bucks for a DVD set I just knew one of my buddies would have) – so much so I smashed a bottle of Glenfarclas over my head upon watching the first disc in the set. I love Linda Cardellini. I even thought Jason Segel was good. Did I mention Cardellini? Oh.. anyway, this is good. And if you, like the dick on the other end of the computer, didn’t catch it when you should’ve – rush out and find a friend who has the box-set now!

Do I tell you how my wife, a ballet dancer, was absolutely appalled by “Centre Stage 2”? She knows what she’s talking about – she can not only do some of the stuff, she can pronounce that shit! She was mainly offended by the fact that the film wasn’t so much a sequel to the warts-and-all ballet film of 2000 but just another “Step Up” knock-off. I think it stung even more because the original film had a special place in her heart – – because, um, she hooked up with her future husband at a screening of it way back when (and then preceded to embarrass the poor guy at the back, chewing loudly on his gum, by denouncing “all gum chewing freaks put their hand up!”. Now that I think of it, it’s pretty weird that an old gum-chewing freak was watching a ballet movie anyway…. unless it was John Michael Howson?). Speaking of, the wife is changing ballet schools/studios, so any Melbourne-based suggestions please sing out! (You just know Holden’s going to suggest ‘The Dukes’ School of Dance’). I expect you all to be at the end of year ‘Swan Lake” or “BROS : A Musical Journey”… or whatever concert her new Academy puts on.

Do I chuck a fit about horror remakes again… now that I’ve seen one of the worst!? It’s the U.S remake of [REC] called, rather unimaginatively, “Quarantine”. It has Jennifer Carpenter (of “Dexter”) playing the TV reporter who gets locked inside an old apartment building that’s overrun by zombies and she and her firemen pals have to try and get out. Do I feel bad that a friend of mine was a producer on it? Fuck no! He got paid well….he knew what he was doing… and so did Jennifer Carpenter – and I don’t blame her for trying to further her career by taking up the lead role in a horror flick that doesn’t involve her levitating and spewing piss! No, it’s whoever granted the remake rights to [REC] be sold to Screen Gems that deserves a bite on the ass from my one-year-old daughter – and she will, she has the teeth! Believe me! – a few times over. Still, next to the “Prom Night” remake, at least this was tolerable…

Do I embed the YouTube video of Mark Wahlberg’s “Saturday Night Live” appearance on the weekend? It’s kinda funny? Max Payne (and by the way, don’t ask…) dropped by the show to let Andy Samberg know he wasn’t happy with his take-off of him on the show…

Do I tell you all about our buddy Corey Feldman’s new album, Technology Analogy? Yeah, Why not! The first 50 orders will receive a limited edition [Corey’s band] Truth Movement t-shirt – and one I haven’t worn first! The Lost Boy tells us he recorded the album at the same board Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon was recorded on. “And if that’s not enough the album cover is designed by the legendary Storm Thorgerson, who has designed numerous album covers including the infamous “Dark Side Of The Moon” cover with its iconic refracting prism”, tells Feldman. ‘’Technology Analogy’s first single Green is the Colour featuring Jon Carin, is a song for the environment and can be heard as a free listen on my website. Speaking of the environment the album has been made with special 100% biodegradeable materials including recyclable paper, soy ink, and even a corn plastic disc tray. So essentially if you don’t like it you can throw it in the ocean and it will just go back to nature. SO BUY THE FREAKING ALBUM!!!!!!!’’ Due to their bust-up, Feldman and Corey Haim’s cover of “Time After Time” has been left on the cutting room floor – probably for the best. In all seriousness, go out and grab the LP (fuck I’m old – I just called it an LP!), if there’s one thing that surprised me this past ten years its that Corey Feldman can sing… and I’m not just talking ‘Wow, Russell Crowe can remember the lyrics!’ style singing, I’m talking talent. More so, passion. (And no Wil Wheaton, we won’t be playing your new album of Bing Crosby Covers!).

Hmmm… just can’t decide what to talk about… give me a few days to work myself up over something…
Clint