Caffeinated Clint
“Oh my god, its the-guy-from-MTV who does the movie reviews!!! A real celebrity!”
“I saw Rob Thomas at the airport! I’m positive it was him! An encounter with a superstar!!”
“You actually went to dinner with the comedian? Oh.My.God.!”
“Your life is so glamorous! You get to party with stars and ask them stuff!”
“I know a girl whose friends with a girl who used to go to school with the girl who was the girl who was the hairdresser on Big Brother! Isn’t that sooo cool!”
Friend : Who has it been exciting to meet – – who did you love meeting?
Clint : Um, Er, Eastwood. Tarantino. Nicolas Cage. Harrison Ford. Sam Jackson.
Friend : What? Huh? What about Rove or Sally from ‘Home and Away’?
Clint : You’re kidding me, right?
If you haven’t seen How to Lose Friends and Alienate People – and looking at those B.O returns, most of you seemingly haven’t – you’re missing out on an education. The film examines the desperate relationship entertainment journalists have with celebrity (but more so, their publicists and minders – the people whose invisible you have to crack to actually get to the celebrity) as they help feed starved-for-gossip Americans their daily fix.
But it isn’t just America, it’s Australia too (and obviously the U.K – I mean, you’ll likely find a picture of Guy Ritchie on the cover of the Mirror over Tony Blair any day!) that are fascinated with the ‘famous’ – so this is a movie for us all.
Thing is, no longer does ‘famous’ or ‘celebrity’ only refer to those deserving of the title, say your Tom Cruise, Madonna, Nicole Kidman or Matthew McConaughey’s. Nowadays, anyone that’s appeared on TV in any form whatsoever, say a contestant on “Big Brother” or the ‘Weather Guy’ on the morning show, is considered a ‘celeb’. And yes, the kids will scream for them too – – maybe even more so than they would say, Robert DeNiro or Goldie Hawn, if they spotted them in the street.
And it’s exasperatingly annoying. To see a bunch of fourteen-year-old girls stop in the middle of a moving intersection, and scream in the other direction, because they’ve just spotted (!) some dimwitted slut from a reality show? Man, that’s fucked! Don’t they know this woman is likely talentless; likely undeserving of their screams, and more so, about to get their mum’s job at the gossip magazine because, she’s, um, ‘Blonde#2 from Big Brother’ or ‘Pete from ‘World’s Fattest Assholes”? (Yes, this is slightly personal – a reality show contestant once got my job. Not because he could do the job better, but because he was ‘someone’ now). What’s funny is this person they’re screaming for probably thinks it’s hilarious – they know they’re getting a free-ride on the celeb train… and they’re going to milk it right up until the minute they get the call from their accountant that they’re broke and required to return to their old job at Target.
I sound like I’m attacking those who get giddy of seeing, or meeting, a star. I’m not. I’m just saying ‘save your screams’ for those that deserve it – or even better, don’t scream at all, just walk up to the actor, shake their hand, and say ‘fine job, sir’.
I get to meet these so-called stars on a daily basis – and also, those more deserving of the title. And I seem to be the envy of a lot of my friends – always have been. Yet, I don’t understand it and probably never will. They just about pass-out when they see photos of me partying with a bunch of actors at an after-party or hear that I attended a film premiere or Christmas party ‘with’ a familiar face (And what’s funny is, it means much more to some of them that I’ve shared a beer an ex-Price is Right host, than that I’ve waxed lyrical with Harrison Ford. Go figure!). Thing is, a lot of these people are my friends – I’ve likely known them before they become so-called ‘famous’, likely because we worked together on radio all those years ago (and the only reason they’re considered famous, and I’m not, is because you see their face on TV) or possibly we’re collaborating on a movie together (as is the case at the moment, with Eric Stoltz – and believe me, some still faint for Eric!).
I’m also a talent manager, as many know, and my star client is Chris Showerman (also my producing partner) best known for his role as George in ‘’George of the Jungle 2”. Chris is just as amused by the whole celebrity thing as anyone. Ya see, his movie was released over 5 years ago and yet he is still being invited to appear as a ‘celebrity’ at charity events! He’s bowled over by it. I’ve been to some of these events with him – and I tell ya, it’s astonishing! They really see him as a ‘star’! Something he would never consider himself. He is treated like royalty (the last charity event we attended, for an AIDS foundation, we rode around in stretch limousines and feasted on some of the finest foods on earth!) and as Chris will gladly tell you, he’s just a guy who got lucky with a role in a Disney movie… and has been trying to snag a role just as good ever since. My wife’s friend is head-over-heels in love with ‘’Christopher Showerman’ – she has kids, so they own a copy of “George” on DVD – and when she ooohs and aaahs over him, we just laugh. We don’t get it. He doesn’t get it. He loves it, sure, but it doesn’t go to his head. If he’d been a contestant on “Survivor” though – actually, Chris was a contestant on Fear Factor years ago! – that’d be a different story.
But seriously, it seems anyone can be a celebrity these days – – the film company will roll out the red carpet for anyone whose been on the tube for a few minutes at a premiere, and a nightclub will pay you – and your publicist – a hefty amount just to make a five minute appearance. I still remember as a youngster, going to the disco back home in Shepparton, and having some two-bit celebrity make a ‘grand’ special appearance on stage. They’d been paid like $500 to appear in stage, say hello to the drunk kids, and then drive back to Melbourne. And I tell ya, these were the most minor of celebrities – a guy with his hand up an ALF doll’s ass would’ve made more of an impression. Yet, the kids would scream their pimply asses off!
We were at the Logies this year and bumped into a couple of my wife’s relatives. They were trying to calm themselves down because they’d just seen some two-bit soap star (can’t even remember who it was) and a radio announcer (!). It was quite the sight. And even funnier, that we were actually with an ‘actual’ actor at the time when they approached us heading into the hotel. They weren’t so interested in him, but “did we mention we saw d.j dudester from xxxFM!!!?”
What the fuck?!
I’m probably passionate about this for good reason. What disgusts me about all these newly-crowned celebs is that a lot of them aren’t great role models for the kids. I mean, what, seriously, has a Big Brother contestant taught the youngsters of today? What, how to bang all the women in your house before you’re evicted? How to scrub yourself solidly in the shower? How to ride a tricycle drunk? Are kids really wowed by these people?
Cosmos Magazine said, “Each season, Big Brother, Australian Idol and Survivor take a batch of relative unknowns and transform them into overnight stars, often for doing very little other than being watched. Graeme Turner, professor of cultural studies at the University of Queensland in Brisbane and author of Understanding Celebrity, says that reality TV provides a new kind of revenue stream for the industry, because instead of having to pay for established stars and their agents, producers can develop their own stars from scratch. “The only thing that’s weak about the business plan is that you can’t run repeats.” Which is why there’ll be a new crop of disposable stars every season.”
Yep, last year you were all screaming for the girl-with-the-funky-hair as she attended the premiere of some crappy Sandra Bullock movie. This year it’ll be someone different (and the girl with the funky hair won’t even be invited this year).
I guess those publicists – one brilliantly played by Gillian Anderson in “How to Lose Friends” – deserve a lot of the blame…. They’re the ones making these people into stars. In fact, as soon as someone signs up to be a contestant on Big Brother they’ve automatically been signed to a talent agency – to exploit after the series. Guest-spots on TV shows, nightclub openings, celebrity fun-days…. It’s all organized from the get-go. And again, they want your screams girls!
Nicole Kidman and Kate Hudson mightn’t be deserving of their hefty price-tags, and for what it’s worth, neither make great movies, but one can respect them a lot more than the guy from Big Brother who showers with a sock over his cock. Actresses like Kidman or Hudson show girls how to dress, how to act and be polite, and most of all, show them – even if it be through photos in a magazine – that their families come first and foremost before anything else . Not all actresses can do this, but most do. That, I don’t mind my daughter admiring.
The Celebs Crash website says, “‘’In an era of reality television “stars” and a media fixation with celebrities, a majority of teachers sd ceailebrity culture negatively impacted the aspirations of their pupils. Many bemoaned students who “wanted to be famous for being famous”. Almost half of the 300 teachers polled said pupils tried to look like and/or behave like celebrities they most admired, fuelling fears that girls particularly dressed in “unsuitable”, or provocative styles. “We are not surprised about infiltration of celebrity culture in schools – it reflects the current media obsession with celebrity and the effect of celebrity culture on society as a whole,” Association of Teachers and Lecturers general secretary Mary Bousted said in a statement. “Celebrities can have a positive effect on pupils. They can raise pupils’ aspirations and ambitions for the future. However … celebrity culture can perpetuate the notion that celebrity status is the greatest achievement and reinforces the belief that other career options are not valuable.””
Times have really changed. When I was a kid I wouldn’t have gotten excited over seeing a radio announcer, or some soap star, out in public. But yes, I would’ve went nuts over spotting a big-time actor or actress somewhere (I still remember my young friend going away with his parents for the Summer and discovering Mel Gibson was camped in the tent next to them. True story, too. That’s worth talking about, don’t you agree?).
Of course now, actors/celebs don’t mean so much to me. Not after ten years of entertainment journalism. Maybe when I first met Quentin Tarantino, or even John Travolta, did I get a bit giddy (actually, meeting Clint Eastwood was pretty damn special!) – but even then, not as excited as I thought I’d be. I think I’ve learnt over time that these are just people – like you and me. And some – who’ll remain unnamed – have somehow managed to become someone who makes millions a movie. I think what’s also helped me realize that these people are just normal folks is the fact that as an interviewer you get to see a different side of them… if only for a second. It’s fairly easy to work out, within the first few minutes before or after an interview, who is an absolute asshole, whose a great guy and who is high on crack (and yes, they’ve been a couple).
Still, nobody wants to know that so-and-so is an absolute asshole and doesn’t deserve their applause – no, not when they’re “soooo fucking sexy and sooo cool!”.
Look, what I’m trying to say is, I can understand the fascination with celebrity – but if you youngsters are going to go gaga for an actor, let it be someone deserving of your discarded drool (like Eastwood or Travolta or Tarantino or even, Hilary Swank)…. Not the prick from Big Brother whose talent is making shapes out of his penis, or the sidekick on the afternoon radio show who likes to hang up on callers, or the guy who played Harold’s gay flat-mate on “Neighbours” for a week (before returning to the unemployment line). That’s just stupid. They have to work for their tag, and many of those guys haven’t yet. Come tell me about them again when they’ve won an Emmy or been chosen to play young Abe Lincoln in an biopic from Oliver Stone. The people on ”Big Brother” don’t really have any goals – not realistic ones anyway – and the reason they’re on that show is because they’re laughable stereotypes, but more so, they were sitting on their ass doing nothing so were ‘available’ to spend three months doing the same thing – only televised to all – in the BB house.
Worst of all, things aren’t getting better. At the time of writing, it’d been announced that a Reality Television School was opening in New York. This venture gives tips on make-up, preparing outfits and alerting cameras to what you plan to do so they do not miss it.
There’s a movie idea in here somewhere for Romero.
