Caffeinated Clint
It’s amazing how often I’m asked the same questions. In fact, I can guarantee that If I close the window I’ve currently got Microsoft Word open in, and open the Outlook button where my email lies, there’ll be at least fifty emails in there from Moviehole readers (or people that have simply stumbled upon us by chickswithchains.org) who are writing to ask something I’ve been asked a million times before. It’s frustrating… so much so that I’m now going to direct everyone that writes a tired, read-it-all-before question to me to this new Caffeinated Clint F.A.Q.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q. How much do you get paid per month to run Moviehole?
A. How much does your mother get paid per night? You answer first.
Q. I think I’d make a wonderful Superman/Conan/Batman/B.A Barcus/Bilbo – If I send you my photo, reel and resume can you make sure it gets in front of the filmmakers?
A. Um, I don’t like your chances – you look like a talent scout for a cemetery. (for the last time, I do not have any say in who gets cast in what – except, of course, for “Complacent 2 : Still Emancipatedâ€)
Q. Can I possibly get _______ email address of you?
A. If you were a hamburger at McDonalds, you’d be a McRetard! You’ve got my chance of scoring Lymphogranuloma venereum from me than a celeb’s email address.
Q. I’ve made a new movie website called ____. Come check it out. And if you don’t mind, promote it on Moviehole. Now, who would you say your best advertiser is? And also, can we get your list of contacts?
A. The cheek of some people (What am I? Flypaper for freaks?)
Q. Do you do this for a day job?
A. No, I’m a producing talent-manager with a finger in freelance journalism and bondage parlours by day. Most of that is true.
Q. I’d love to be employed by Moviehole. How much do you pay? What kind of use would you have for me?
A. Need someone to scrub the toilet. We’ll make a deal – whatever you find in the bowl, it’s yours!
Q. Hey Clint, we’d love to get some free ads up on Moviehole for our film. If I send over the banners could you see they’re placed?
A. I’d love to wax Salma Hayek… but it ain’t happening either.
Q. What kind of a film do you think Arnold Schwarzenegger will make his comeback in? (Usually a question from Ab King)
A. A Michael Moore film.
Q. Why don’t you like “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull�
A. Why don’t I ever receive this question from anyone born before 1987?
Q. Try or female/male love enhancers from our site…
A. I’ve got a bottle of Carlton Draught at home, that’s good enough. But thanks.
Q. How dare you insult [x film or actor]!!
A. Save your breath, you’ll need it to blow up your date later!
Q. Can I get your email address?
A. Um, you just emailed me on it.
Q. Are you the guy from “Weird Science�
A. Yes I am. And for $29.95 I can send you an autographed picture of myself.
Q. hey clint holden any how whats going on with evil dead 4 i heard last that sam raimi and his bother ivan raimi were working on the 9th page for evil dead 4 so i hope bruce campbell will return as ash lets hope it still happens tho of ash returning
A. Still trying to come up with an answer….
Q. Wanna meet sometime?
A. Depends…. Are you a fan of “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull†or “Dukes of Hazzard�
Q. Your producing partner Christopher Showerman is hot – can you set me up?
A. Why do I always have to be Jennifer, and he gets to be Mallory!
Q. How many years has Moviehole been going for?
A. About twelve – and I could give you the original URL, but I doubt it’d fit on this page… but I believe it started with CheapAssWebs and ended with Moviehole.
Q. Why do you produce movies and do the website? Just produce movies!
A. Now that I’m filthy, filthy rich, and blowing coke off Brett Ratner’s Mrs’ backside, I’m seriously considering it. Mum, didn’t I tell you not to write to me on the Moviehole address!
